Only If I Had The Courage To Tell You

again?

Okay so i woke up today and got to know that 3 people read it i mean it's not even a book and i wasn't expecting someone to come to my train wreck of this diary entry

But if you read it I'll continue i guess

So here you go
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Let me clear this out first
Why am i writing this?

Well i overthink alot which mainly results in me having some thoughts that i can possibly not share with anyone bcz as i said earlier it's not like i don't have anyone it's just that i don't have "the one"

Which honestly saying I've been too desperate to find
And because my heart was starving it started feeding on people's lies of how much they loved me but then each one of them left deepening this hole in my heart that grew deeper everytime

And now all that is left is this hollow body which begs for love so loud but the voices outside being higher shut it down

Because i don't have the energy anymore to trust myself enough to be able to make people stay you know what they say

A heartbreak will not kill you but too many will
Because all i ever wanted was a happily ever after and that's the only thing i never got cuz i waited and waited and now i just can't see myself breaking again

Because you know what his smile still haunts me i still dream about him saying sorry and me going back to him going back to being hurt and broken again because even though I'll never say it out loud in my head to listen  but this heart here still belongs to him

Cuz that's how i think love works
And i don't want that to happen anymore i want them to know my value i want to tell him to fuck off and i want to drag myself to therapy because no matter ho much i convince myself that no I'm just a kind person so i forgave him but i do somewhere know that if he would have even thought of doing any of this to my friends i would have adviced them to cut him off

Soo therapy it is
But like i can't possibly tell my parents about it and now i can lie here and tell you that this is bcz they don't understand how mental illness work  bcs they really do and will never hesitate one bit to get me some help but one thing that is stopping me rn is that i don't even know if i want it or I'm doing it for attention also I'm very stable and happy for now and this topic of getting professional help for me rn will scare the shit out of my parents bcz not gonna lie it's still scary for me  plus it is gonna be expensive and even though my parents will happily pay for it I'm just not comfortable in spending my money on something i don't actually need like what if it's all in my head and i just like being alone

okay i might not know what I'm saying rn but you do get the point right

I'll go for it someday with you i hope you stay till then