Fractured from the Fall

The Charade

It was a cold Thursday afternoon when Lily saw Ford for the first time in what felt like forever. She was walking down the hall with Grant, his arm wrapped around her shoulder. She looked up and saw Ford approaching and for the first time since the accident, his eyes were on Lily. He watched the two of them with that dark intensity, that she had once mistaken for hate. Did he hate her now? Was he angry because she had stayed with Grant, but how could he have expected anything else? She didn't have much of a choice.

Seeing Ford watch her with Grant, crushed Lily. Her heart sank. She wished he would brush up against her and try to slip a note in her hand like he had all those months ago, but instead, he passed by without a single word, giving Grant the obligatory "what up" male head nod.

Lily could feel herself cracking. The tears were welling up in her eyes. She couldn't hold it together much longer. It was all too much and she was disgusted that she felt so bad for herself after everything Grant had endured. The guilt was causing her so much anxiety. It felt like there was a weight on her chest and she couldn't breathe. She didn't go to Grant's house that day after school to study. She told him she wasn't feeling well, kissed him on the cheek, and rushed off before he could ask too many questions.

Lily ignored her father's greeting when she walked into the house and instead went straight to her room and shut the door. Luckily, her dad always waited a while before approaching his girls when they were upset, so she knew she could be alone a while which was all she really wanted. She laid down on her bed and sobbed into the pillow, so that her father wouldn't hear. She had no idea what to do anymore. She had no idea who she was anymore, and she wanted out of this town more than ever. She wanted to runaway and be free of all the pain she was causing and all the pain she felt.

Just then the door opened slightly. Thinking it was her father, Lily sat up quickly and tried to dry her tears, but it was Violet who stood in the doorway. She quietly shut the door behind her and sat on her bed across from Lily.

"What's wrong?" she asked sincerely. She could tell her sister was seriously not doing well. She'd never seen her this distraught. Well at least not for a very long time. It actually made her feel bad for her.

"Why do you care?" Lily snapped, not believing that her sister actually cared that she was hurting. "I'm sure you're enjoying this. I got what I deserve, right? I was sneaking around behind Grant's back and now he's injured and Ford hates me." Tears rolled down her cheeks and she wiped the back of her nose with her hand. She hated being this vulnerable in front of Violet, in front of anyone really.

"I may have been a little hard on you," Violet admitted.

Her sister's empathy made her pause. She wasn't expecting Violet to be kind to her, and she wouldn't blame her if she wasn't. She knew she didn't deserve for her sister to understand or be sympathetic to what she was going through.

"Sorry," Lily sniffled. "I'm not mad at you." She felt bad for snapping at her sister. Her anger was misplaced. "This has all just been..." she shook her head, unable to find the words to accurately describe how she was feeling. "I just feel so guilty for what I did to Grant and I feel guilty for feeling bad for myself when he's suffering so much and I feel like Ford..." she stopped and shook her head again. "It's all such a mess."

"Lily, you know what happened to Grant isn't your fault, right?"

Lily shrugged and in that moment Violet realized that Lily had been carrying around the weight of his accident on her shoulders. Violet knew what she was feeling. They had both felt it after their mother had killed herself: that somehow it was their fault, that somehow they were responsible. Why didn't they see the signs? If they had just stayed with her instead of going to look for seashells. If they had just told their mother that they loved her before they ran off hand-in-hand, maybe then she wouldn't have...

The "what ifs" could drive a person insane and the guilt of carrying around someone else's tragedy on your shoulders, was a heavy burden to bear, especially when there was nothing that you could have done that would have changed the outcome.

"Lily, what happened to Grant didn't happen because you and Ford were hooking up. People fall in and out of love, they mess up and make mistakes, freak accidents change plans. Shit happens." 

Lily's head lifted hearing her sister swear and she couldn't help but crack a smile. It was hard to believe that her little sister was the one comforting her. She was the last person that Lily thought would understand.

"You know none of this would have happened if you hadn't told me that Ford teasing me meant he had feelings for me," she joked, sniffing back snot.

"It would have happened," Violet replied. "You and Ford have a connection. It's always been there. You've just been too stupid to notice." 

Thanks," Lily said sarcastically and both girls smiled.

"I'm sorry you don't have a mom here to give you advice."

"It's fine," Lily said, shoving down years of pain and anger. Pretending she was okay with what had happened was something she had a lot of practice at. It's what she had to do to stay strong for Violet. 

"She wasn't much of a mom anyway," Lily continued, trying to downplay the loss.

Violet sat quiet for a moment.

"I don't think how you handled this was fair to Grant, but he'll be okay," she finally said, trying to fill the mother role she knew Lily needed. It was the role that Lily had filled for Violet for most of their life. 

"No offense, but you're not that amazing," Violet joked, waving her hands in the air to indicate that her sister was kind of a big deal, which made Lily smile.

Maybe Violet was right. Maybe she'd been giving herself too much credit. Maybe it would be a good thing for Grant if they weren't together, but that wouldn't change the fact that Ford wanted nothing to do with her.

"So what do you think I should do?" Lily asked, and she honestly wanted to know her sister's opinion. It was the first time she'd ever asked for it.

Violet took a deep breath.

"If Ford is who you want to be with, then you should be with him. Don't make yourself miserable for Grant. That doesn't benefit him or you in any way. If there's one thing I learned from what happened with mom, it's that life is short and happiness isn't guaranteed, it's fleeting, so you should grab ahold of it while you can."

Lily nodded, appreciating her sister's advice, but unsure how to respond.

"I'll leave you alone for a while," Violet said, standing up and heading towards the door. "I'm gonna go help dad make dinner."

"You mean you're going to make dinner?" Lily joked.

"Yeah," Violet chuckled, and shut the door behind her as she left.

Lily curled up on the bed and hugged her pillow. Despite her sister's attempt at trying to make her feel better, she still had a pit in her stomach. Telling herself that it wasn't her fault that Grant got injured was one thing, but truly believing it was another. And even if she was able to convince herself that she wasn't to blame, she couldn't imagine breaking up with him now. There was no point in kicking him while he was down, especially since the boy she would be breaking up with him for, no longer wanted her.

Her eyelids felt heavy and she closed her eyes to try and get a little rest before dinner. Sleep was something she hadn't gotten a lot of in the last month.

Right as she was about to drift off to sleep, she was awoken by the sound of something lightly tapping her window. She rubbed her eyes and climbed out of bed. She pulled up the window and to her surprise, Ford was standing outside, somber and crestfallen. His eyes were dark and sad, and for a minute she thought maybe she was dreaming.