bitter basil, (hozier)

october 12, 1969 - morning

"andy?" suddenly, judy was next to him, looking up at him with concerned eyes. "what's on your mind, baby?"

andy sighed again, feeling her hand on his arm. "i'm afraid i'm gonna have to cut our day off short. mack wants me to play a last-minute gig at the grizzly," he said, trying to rip the band-aid off as quickly as possible. inwardly, he braced himself for the backlash.

judy, however, was seemingly unfazed. "well, that's a shame isn't it?" she asked with a small pout. andy nodded silently. "doesn't matter. we have all the sunday's in the world." she reached up and kissed andy's cheek. "i'm gonna go smoke on the fire escape," she then said.

when she was gone, andy leaned against the wall, trying to process what just happened. he then picked the phone back up, dialing another number.

after a few rings, he heard a click. "this is eddie."

"eddie, hi, it's andy. i, er, need your advice on something?"

"what's the problem?" eddie asked.

"that's just it... there's no problem," andy said worriedly.

"... i'm confused."

"well, today's sunday so i was gonna spend the day with judy but then i got a call from this venue that i play at. they wanted me to come in today. last minute. but when i told judy about it, she was like... okay? with it?" andy twirled his finger around the telephone cord.

"and that's an issue because...?"

"well... you know, not to compare them, but my ex would just... explode. she would've accused me of not prioritizing our relationship or thrown a shoe at me or something. i don't know, i'm just a little thrown off, i suppose."

the line was silent except for the sound of shuffling from the other end. "andy, it sounds like your ex girlfriend was abusive," said eddie truthfully.

for a moment, eddie's words didn't quite register. andy laughed. "what? no, not at all. she never hit me," he said.

"it doesn't have to be physical to be abuse, andy," eddie said. "man, if i were you, i'd talk to judy about it."

"she won't judge me?" andy asked.

"it's judy, brother. she wouldn't judge you if you had watermelons for hands."

andy laughed dryly. "you're right."

"listen, i gotta go. but you think about what i said, alright? and talk to judy. be honest with her."

"will do," andy said. a click, and then the line went completely silent.

it doesn't have to be physical to be abuse.

andy thought long and hard about what eddie said. it doesn't have to be physical to be abuse.

every time he thought about his ex, it was as if a dark cloud would suddenly descend upon his mind, making everything a little bit darker. that's what she did to him. every word that pierced through his chest like a knife; everything she said had the same purpose: to bring him down lower and lower. she was one of the reasons why he left ireland in the first place. she couldn't get to him here (at least, not without struggle) and that gave him a sense of comfort. it made him feel safe.

and how horrific is it, andy thought, that the only way he could feel safe from that woman was to move across the atlantic? how hurtful can one person be?

andy ran his fingers through his hair, racking his brain for answers he already had. he walked to the bedroom and sat on the edge of their queen-sized bed. on andy's nightstand was a framed photo of him and judy, taken by bea - it must've been somewhere in bethel, though andy can't recall. they were facing each other instead of the camera - it was as if the camera didn't exist.

andy didn't always like keeping photos of himself. there was always a hair out of place, or a facial expression that he deemed to be too awkward. but, as vain as it may sound, he could look at that photo of him and judy forever. it was the happiest andy had ever seen himself.

he never wanted to compare judy to his ex girlfriend, but now he realized that they were completely incomparable.

so he got out his guitar and started writing.

-

judy didn't come back inside for another 45 minutes. andy had taken a break from his songwriting process when judy returned to the bedroom, smelling of jasmine and marijuana.

"there you are, love," said andy, smiling as she walked through the door. "what took you so long?"

"i heard you writing, and i didn't want to interrupt your creative burst," judy replied. her thoughtfulness made andy's heart melt.

andy let out a sigh of relief as he felt the bed dip next to him, arms coming around his torso. "i think i'm gonna skip the grizzly tonight," he confessed.

a slight pause. "any reason in particular?" judy asked.

eddie's voice came back into andy's head. talk to judy. be honest with her.

but being honest is scary. "no, no reason."

judy's ever-knowing hands came up to his shoulders, turning him around to look at her. she gave him an intense gaze, as if to say i know you're lying. "are you sure?" she pressed. andy's lips parted, but nothing came out. "andy, please. talk to me."

"...my ex," andy started, his voice hoarse and his eyes welling with tears. "i think she abused me."

the confession made judy's hands tighten around his shoulders. "okay," she said carefully. "would you be able to tell me how you came to that conclusion?"

andy swallowed. "you," he replied. "when i told you about the grizzly, you were barely fazed. that's something she," he shuddered, "would've exploded about." he reached down and began to play with the fabric of judy's shirt. "you just... treat me so much better. i don't know. it made me realize that i didn't deserve what she did to me."

he scanned judy's facial expressions, waiting for something, anything.

she bowed her head down to his shoulder, kissing it gently. she then moved to his neck. his breath hitched as her lips met his skin slowly and carefully. she moved on to his cheek, pressing a loving kiss while holding his other cheek in the palm of her small hand.

"thank you for being honest with me. i know it wasn't easy," she whispered. andy let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "and you're right. you didn't deserve her, or what she did to you. i'm glad you know that now," she continued.

"i wouldn't've, had it not been for you."

judy smiled slightly. instead of responding to that, she captured andy's lips in a full, ardent kiss. when he pulled away after what felt like hours, judy was there, smiling and devoted.

and it was all andy could ever ask for.

-

a/n:
been a while since i made y'all cry like that😏😏