To have and to loathe

• 𝐂hapter 21

You wouldn't blame me now, would you?

He was practically making eye contact with me half of the time with those hot lobes, and then he was touching me appropriately but it felt inappropriate to my insides.

I didn't know but maybe one more healthy, satisfying sex would quiet my hormones. Maybe if I slept with him just once, this wanting would go away.

Maybe it would also complicate things more than they already were. I groaned to myself. If I slept with him, things would turn for me. But who cares anyway?

I squirmed a little, desperate and horny and the throb in my clit was intense.

When I shut my eyes and heaved out another breath, I could still see flashes of my memories circling my head in slow motion and I felt my body burn with need.

I remembered everything, every single detail; the way my inner walls squeezed around his perfect cock, the way he peppered my skin with open-mouthed kisses while fucking me like he would die if he didn't, his dirty whispers of nothing that pushed me over the edge.

I ran a hand down my breast and pressed my lip shut as I tried to keep my breathing steady.

I really wanted to get over him. This wasn't healthy for me. I mean it was a one-night stand and it'd been two months. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't supposed to fantasize about him, I wasn't supposed to want him anymore, but no matter how I tried to push past it, the burning ache between my thighs didn't kindle.

I wanted him so badly that I trembled, and I hadn't realized where my hand was resting until my fingertips brushed against my throbbing clit.

I inhaled sharply.

Oh, fuck, what was I doing?

My heart raced. This was out of control. I was a mess of emotions.

I didn't want to masturbate while thinking about him. The idea was completely shameless but it seemed my body disagreed because, as much as I wanted to pull my hand away, it just kept sliding lower.

This was not something I usually did, much less in a bathtub, and I was well aware that I was crossing a line between what was real and what wasn't but maybe just a little. Maybe if I touched myself down there just a little I'd feel at ease and go to sleep without creaming the bed.

With that soothing thought in mind, I parted my legs, feeling my clit throb violently as I tentatively rubbed it.

A shaky breath stuttered across my lips. I felt dirty, but oddly that turned me on even more. I squeezed my eyes shut even tighter and stroked two fingers between the folds of my sex. My hips lifted. I couldn't believe I was doing this. My other hand brushed against my pebbled nipple just about when I pictured Killian taking a nipple into his mouth, sucking it, nibbling, biting.

It was like I could almost feel him here with me, digging his fingers into my thighs and pushing my legs open wider as he stretched his tongue farther inside me.

"Killian..." My fingertips circled my clit, hips rolling ever so slightly against the water. "Yes..."

I bucked my hips, feeling my body heat up as I imagined his mouth taking every bit of pleasure out of me, leaving me completely shaken up.

"I'm cumming..." I ground against the tub. "I'm so so close."

At this point, I wasn't aware of my surrounding. I wasn't aware of the wind blowing in through my open window or the shallow opening creak of my door. Everything that didn't matter disappeared before my mind as I continued to pleasure myself, circling faster and faster until my breath was hitching, and my body was shaking, going rigid with satisfaction