What The Heart Wants (bwwm)

One

Angel

I stared up at the ceiling as I waited for the alarm clock to go off. Today was the first day of school and honestly I was not ready to go. I was what some would call a nerd, a dork, or a geek. Nobody really liked me and I didn't really make an effort to be liked. Outcast seemed to be my middle name and I was definitely not proving that notion wrong. I stayed in my lane hoping it would take me to my destination, graduation, but even that was proving to be a difficult feat.

When I first started high school I did try to make friends, but now that it's my senior year I have completely given up. I was too shy and never really had the courage to just talk to anyone. On top of that, no one really wanted to be my friend so any effort I would put forth was completely pointless. It was like they put up a gigantic wall between them and me and expected me to work hard to climb over it, but how was I supposed to do that with no athlete ability and no idea where to even begin climbing. Every time I'd get a good footing the walls would get slick and boom I'd be back where I'd started.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so shy because then I could at least have friends or maybe even a boyfriend. Wait, no, not a boyfriend...no boy in a million years would date me. I'm not much of a looker. On a scale of one to ten, I'm probably a five.. pushing a six maybe. I'd probably be more attractive if I didn't wear these big dorky glasses or if I dressed better. Kaden Barnes, the most popular boy in school once told me that I dressed like I just got out of prison, right before his little side chick, Donna Brook, pushed me into the locker, then stomped on my glasses last year. My mom almost had a heart attack when I told her what happened.

"What in the hell happened to your glasses Angel?" she had said when I came home and asked her for a new pair. I avoided looking at her and raced for the stairs.

"Nothing mama," I mumbled as I tried to slip past her.

"Angelina Renee Marks you better tell me the truth!" she boomed as she blocked my hasty exit. I immediately told her after that. My mom only calls me by my full name when she's super pissed and to be honest here...he angry voice scared me more than Donna and her flunkies. Besides, I mean I would be mad too, those glasses cost a lot and there was a long process of doctor's appointments and fittings...it was time consuming.

"Why would anyone bully you sweetheart?" she asked as her face fell sadly. I could see the anger seeping into her eyes as she thought about how any of her kids could be bullied or the fact that bullies still existed. Some parents like to act ignorant to things like bullying and yet they'll all claim to have gone through the same things ya teens do now. What a load of bull. "Why would anyone bully a beautiful girl like you?"

All I could do was scoff. I was far from beautiful and not even my mother's praises could make me feel better. Being at this school has emotionally beaten me until all I could see in the mirror was a ugly dark brown, empty shell of a girl. It had beat me so bad until even I couldn't see the beauty in myself. I was plain, broken, and abused and no matter what anyone had to say, I was never going to be any different. I was forever going to be the poor little black girl who no one wanted to be around.

My mother tried to go to the principal after that, but I begged her not to by telling her that I would handle it on my own. In reality I wasn't going to do anything except avoid the in school. Bravery and I just weren't that close. Anyway, I got my new glasses this summer and I insisted on getting contacts just in case. I definitely didn't want the same thing to happen again. My mother would probable go ballistic and blow up the whole school and I didn't need to have anymore reasons for the people that I hate to torture me anymore.

I rolled out of bed and threw my long wild curly hair in a high ponytail, then threw on some black tights, a over-sized white shirt, and my copper brown colored combat boots. I quickly brushed my teeth while looking in the mirror and shrugged sadly. At least my clothes were clean. I grabbed my messenger bag that matched my boots, my phone, keys and lastly my glasses then headed down the stairs.

My mom was in the kitchen fixing my five year old sister Daija breakfast when I made it down. I grabbed a chewy granola bar from the cabinet, kissed my sister on her forehead then headed for the door. Not before my mom yelled after me, "Remember Angel if those lil'kids get outta line, just call me. I'll set their asses straight."

I shook my head and laughed at her then headed for my car. I was hoping and praying that today was going to be different. Hell I was praying that this year was going to be different, but deep down inside I knew it wasn't. So I just stood by the mailbox and waited for the raggedy school to come along and take me to the devil's den.

As the broke down bus a reached to a halt in front of the prison where I'd spent the last three years of my life I just sat in my seat staring out the window. Was it normal to feel this scared of school?

'Hell no," my conscious said. 'What we need to do is slap the taste out they mouth!'

I sighed. I wish I were that brave. If I were I swear I would walk in that building pimp slapping these lil' bi-otches like there was no tomorrow, but it's not that easy. Or maybe it is and I'm just weak. Anyway time to pull on my big girl panties and get this ish over with. With that being said I stepped out of my  my seat and nervously walked down the aisle to get off the bus. The driver looked at me and gave me a sad sympathetic smile as I passed her. I walked up the old steps of the school and stood in the entrance way all I could think was...This is it.

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