Born of starlight and shadows

~Part twenty one~

Blue.

And then, green.

Green was her color.

Jade's.

I asked what her name meant once. I thought it fit perfectly when she explained it to me.

There was a time, in the beginning, when she had two colors. Gold and green.

But then, her hair was cut short short short. It was another reminder of their control control control. It didn't seem like her anymore, she said. It felt like the version of her they wanted her to be.

I told her that was all right. She still had green eyes, after all.

So, green.

That was her only color after that.

I only ever had one, though.

Because black wasn't really a color. It was what happened if all the color was sucked out of something.

So, blue.

That was me.

Blue and green and green and blue-that was us.

Until I saw the light leave those beautiful green eyes, and I was alone again.

I didn't even realize I had counted the days we had until the end, and the scores of scratch marks were engraved in my mind, all at once.

It wasn't enough time.

It could never be.

How could it?

Jade, who had come into my life at a time when I was about to give up.

Who saw something worth saving.

Who was so strong, so brave, through it all.

After all, I wasn't the only one who would wake up, hysterical and crying, after reliving something from my past.

She had a hard life, even before I met her.

She felt that compared to me, she had nothing to-she always said "complain" about.

And I did lose count of the number of times she had to take me into her arms, and hold me the way I could still remember dreaming someone, somewhere, doing. It was fragmented, and possibly just a product of my always-alone self, but it was still there.

But of course, how many times had I held her the same way, trying to reassure her that, if nothing else, I was still there?

Loving Jade-it never felt like a conscious choice. Because if I didn't help her out, and she didn't help me, then no one would.

Even though Jade and I were only ever together in-I have to close my eyes and try to force the images, the memories, of the years I spent there-in that place, we managed to find solace with each other.

The memories I have of her aren't exactly sweet, because the trust we grew to have with each other, and the closeness-that only came through pain.

Still, I often find myself wish that just once, I would dream of one of those bittersweet moments I had with her instead of the last time I ever saw her.

My life had been one pain-filled moment after the other. And yet, nothing had come close to affecting me as strongly as watching her crumple to the ground, lifeless.

Needless to say the thing I had tried so hard to suppress, knowing fully well it was the only reason I had been locked away in the first place, could not be contained for a moment longer.