Fighting For What's Missing

53.

I grab the doorknob, but it won't turn. Agnes has never ever locked her door before. I'm not sure if it was me or if it was the text that upset her-I hope it was the text-but she's never been like this before.

"Agnes?" I try to say softly through my clenched teeth. I'm fucking pissed. Agnes should not be acting like this. "Agnes?" I try again, knocking lightly on the door as best as I can.

One second I'm boiling with rage, then, through the thin door, I hear a smothered sob, and I'm completely weak. "Agnes?" I try the doorknob again, "please, Agnes, open the door."

The muffled crying and sniffing grow louder as Agnes crosses the room, moving closer to the door. Then she opens it, and I'm frozen, looking at my daughter struggling to fight a breakdown. "W-w-wh-what hap-happened?" I stutter over my words.

"My period! That's what happened!" She snaps. "The kids in my class found out about it-about what happened and now-" she stops herself then, very loudly, groans, "agh," in frustration.

"Agnes, it's normal-"

"You don't get it!" She yells then stomps to her bed and collapses onto it, lying on her stomach.

"Tell me what I don't get," I demand to know. My body has snapped out of the whole frozen state, and I'm standing by Agnes' bed, towering over her, before I know it. I stare at her for a moment, trying to attempt the fact that Agnes, my baby girl might've outgrown our communication pack.

It's going it hurt and it might take a while, but I think I can.

"Agnes..." slowly, I take a seat on the edge of the bed. "Do you remember when I first told you that I loved you?" Agnes leans up and nods, grabbing a pillow, then hugs it and peers up at me through the corner of her eye. "Do you remember what else I said to you?"

It takes a few seconds then shakes her head and sits up. "What did you say?"

"I told you that I want to be there for you, but-"

"Only if I want you there," she finishes.

I smile. I'm glad she remembers and to see her in a lighter mood. "I can understand if you don't want to talk to me, but-" she gets up, crossing her legs, and tucks her hair behind her ears "-you have to talk to someone."

"Daddy, I'm embarrassed-"

"You shouldn't be. But-" I quickly add. "If you are then...then write about it, find a way to get it out, please don't bottle it in. And if you have questions then you can google it or-if you're comfortable enough-talk to a doctor."

"Daddy, that's not what I'm embarrassed about. I know I can talk to you, and I'm sorry it makes you uncomfortable-" I shake my head, she shouldn't be apologizing "-but you try, and I'm grateful for it." Her cheeks turn bright red. "I'm embarrassed because...I like someone-or at least I think I do...either way, I don't want them looking at me differently."

First her period now she has a crush. My daughter is really growing up.

I shudder, realizing I wasn't breathing, then take a few deep breaths. "Agnes, honestly, people don't think about those types of things like that. Two or three days and everyone will forget."

"Boys, you mean boys don't think about things like that." The color drains from her face.

"Um-well, yeah, I guess." I'm struggling to see the point of the wheels turning in her head.

Then I get a glimpse...

"We're not talking about a boy, are we?" I ask.

Agnes nods. "Her name's Gilly."

"Why do you think she would look at you differently?" Her eyes widen, and she looks at me utterly shocked. Fuck, did I say the wrong thing? "Agnes, I'm-"

"You...don't care?" She asks hesitantly.

"Care that you like girls? No, I don't care, but not the way you think. I'm...proud that you know who you are, and I can't wait to meet Gilly. She must be marvelous if you like her."

Tears pour out of her eyes while a grin spreads across her face. "When I realized that I liked Gilly, I YouTubes kids coming out to their parents-" she frowns "-it wasn't pretty...I didn't know how to tell you."

I reach out and catch a few of her tears with my thumb. "So you weren't scared of telling me?"

"No, of course not."

Sighing in relief and smiling hard, I drop my hand from her face. "Agnes, I promise you Gilly's not going to care about you having your period. I mean, would you care if it was the other way around?"

"No, but what if she doesn't like me the same way. I'm not even sure if I like girls. I just like being around Gilly. I like the way I am around her and how much she makes me happy."

"How are you around her?" I ask curiously.

Agnes smiles, her cheeks turning bright red again, bows her head, and picks at her nails. "I'm...care-free, I guess. I always forget that we're in school because it's just...us."

I lean over and plant a kiss on her head. "It sounds like you have nothing to worry about it or be embarrassed about."

She lifts her head and stares deeply into my eyes. "What if she doesn't feel the same? I know I'm young, but I can't change how I feel."

"You're right." I place my hand over hers and squeeze her hand tightly. "You can't change the way you feel, but there are things you're just gonna have to learn to accept." We're quiet for a few beats of silence, I'm hoping Agnes is thinking about what I just said, then she yawns. "You're tired."

"What if my feelings for her only grow?" She asks, completely ignoring my statement. "What do I do then?"

"You tell her the truth...but what she might say, how she might responds...I'm sorry, baby girl, but it might not be what you want to hear and it will probably hurt."

"I know," she nods then leans forward, pulling my arm over her head, and hugs my torso.

I welcome her into my embrace. "Thank you for telling me...talking to me."

"You're stupid for thanking me," she says playfully.

"You're stupid for apologizing. You can talk to me about anything."

We returned to the living room and continued with the movie. It took me nearly thirty minutes to realize that Agnes had fallen asleep somewhere along the way. Once I realized that I changed the channel and went to bed.