Consumed | ATEEZ Park Seonghwa (Revising)

2:16- I Love You

"Mhm." A weak smile grew on my lips, tainted with fear and sprinkled with determination.

"I'll be off then, take care." He let go, he stood up and walked off.

Silence.

Not awkward, but a bit disturbing. Frightening and terrifying perhaps. He stood, I flinched even though his movements were graceful, I watched him as he neared me.

What was he hiding behind those eyes. I thought as I read them, examining the pools of black-brown. I could only find one thing, a glimmer that would swirl around with every move. My heart was in my throat, I could feel the pulsing in my temples.

"Hey, how do you feel? In pain?" He didn't touch me, he didn't hold my hand or smile. Was that a red flag, or just me overthinking? Did he really hear? Does he really know, that I lost my purity? My gut contracted, the painful cramping sensation was hard to hide. I wanted to cry, it was sad how much I had cried those past few days.

"I can deal. It's weird how familiar this has been getting, it's kind of sad how often I've been bed ridden this past month." I prayed he couldn't tell my smile was fake.

He looked down, and he bit on his bottom lip. He does that when he doesn't know what to say. A moment passed, the tension between us grew.

"I overheard your argument with Alyss." My heart dropped, all my muscles tensed at once. "Did you really lose your purity?" He spoke gently, his eyes softened.

My hands shook, almost violently. My head hung down, I was unable to look him in the eye.

"Yes I did." My chest swelled in anger when my voice wavered, I sounded quiet. Weak, and emotional. "You hate me, don't you?!" I bursted out, my voice slick with fear. I shut my eyes closed, my hands grabbed at my chest. I couldn't breathe.

I sobbed, I felt frustrated and confused. How could I try to protect him when I was so weak? I cried and sobbed hysterically, unable to reign myself back into sanity. I let him know my worst secret, something so undesirable that I felt disgusting just to exist. My elders would beat it into me, I heard stories from people. I was brainwashed into thinking losing my purity made me worthless. I was a fake, if it got out that this happened to me I'd lose my position completely. I could handle that, but could I handle losing him?

"I didn't want it to happen. I understand that you'll hate me now, but at least understand this. It hurts, and it's not my fault." I cried out, trying to talk as fluently as I good. It hit me in waves, my body crumbled to pieces. I held myself tight, my hands still latched to my chest. I lost him to something out of my control. It felt so unfair, yet I knew deep inside that I brought it upon myself.

Next thing you know, I'm nestled deep in his arms, my chin right above his collarbone. I sucked in a deep breath, I held onto him tightly. His hands trembled against my spine, his face hidden in my neck. "Please don't say that, please calm down." I tensed again and my hands grasped his sweater, I whined and cried into his embrace.

"I don't hate you," I sniffled, my eyes squeezed, "you're right, it's not your fault. You went through a lot, so cry as much as you need."

He went silent, I breathed in his scent and melted into his arms, my body still shook, however. "Can you talk, please? Your voice is so deep.. it's comforting, to uhm, listen to." I cleared my throat, my system was full of mucus.

"Yeah, sure. Uh, well, I do have a lot to say, I just stopped talking in case you wanted to talk more. First of all, I don't hate you. I can't hate you. I adore you, and you're so affectionate, I like that." He moved closer into my touch, his chin rested on my shoulder. Why did I feel so relieved? I felt as though I had been saved, as we clung to each other. I didn't feel alone, as he held on to me with just as much fervency as I did. I adored him, I couldn't respect him more. I couldn't crave his soul more than I did in that moment, I couldn't believe it. "You should've told me sooner, I wouldn't have been so touchy with you if I knew you were hurt like that."

"No, I like it. It feels good when you touch me, don't hold back, please." I quickly interjected. I then sighed, I felt calmer. "This is why I was so anxious about you finding out, I didn't want you to see me as 'untouchable'. Am I unpleasant to you now?" I started to back away, I'd rather him not touch me if he felt that way.

He held me in place, I couldn't move any further. "Of course not, you're still the same. I just feel even more worried about you now, if that's even possible."

"You were worried?" He chuckled, his chest rumbled against mine. I could feel his throat on my shoulder, his adams apple and it's vibrations.

"Of course!" He exclaimed, I was surprised at the sudden change in energy. I leaned back to look at his face. He smiled, his nose scrunched up and his eyes still poured. I held my breath, my heartbeat was so loud and erratic. All over the place, unpredictable. "You're going through so much, over all this time I've become very concerned about you. I know you're strong, stronger than me, so it's okay."

"You know exactly what to say, it's a little scary sometimes." I chuckled, my voice nasally. Suddenly, he could tell I changed, I became serious. "So you're really fine with this? I lost my purity, forcefully, and you're completely okay with that? Do you feel uncomfortable or disgusted?"

"No, I don't feel any of that." He replied in a way that made him seem baffled that I'd even ask such a question. "Do you feel uncomfortable, guilty, or disgusting?" By now we fully separated, only our knees touched as we sat across from each other. My injured leg hung lifelessly from the edge of the bed.

"I did, but I'm not sure anymore. You make me feel better." He smiled. I glanced away, a big goofy smile was on my face when I looked back. Tear stains decorated both of our cheeks.

I inherited his laugh slowly but surely, and his sleeping schedule. He copied my music taste, and food preferences. I was willing to give myself up, and it was a miracle that he was the same way too. Being insecure and stubborn is a deadly pair for one person to possess, and even worse when a couple is that way. That's why the world is the way it is. It's a sticky mess of insecure, stubborn people.

He's like an antidote, and now I'm neither.

"I'm glad, now, I should make you food."

"Yes please! Can you make those chorizo burrito's I showed you how to make?"

"Again? Alright, my serenity." He bowed dramatically before walking out, instead of laughing, I just stared at him in awe. Out of every blessing and any curse, his existance was beyond. Anything seemed irrelevant when put next to him. There's no competition, he fits and that's that.

He's helped me grow, I wondered if I had ever helped him. Suddenly, I felt worry surge through my body. What about him? Is he alright?

From then on, I promised myself I'd work hard for him, to return the favor. I would become someone worthy of his vulnerability, then the rest would be up to him.