Beloved

nine

"Oh, stop." I noticed Maura glancing at us a little too long and I wondered if Emmett was okay all alone.

"In all seriousness, I am thinking about selling the house." I didn't say anything at first, looking at the ground. "Its just kind of a big empty house now... you know?" My heart sank. Of course it didn't feel much like our house anymore. It hadn't for a long time. But it was still ours. Together. At least for a little while it had been.

"I know the feeling." I said snidely, kind of proud of my retort. He didn't react.

"I would of course split whatever it sells for with you-" I cut him off.

"Its not about the money." I said softly. 

"I know its not." I had the urge to walk away. 

Taking another sip of wine I spoke again, "We can talk about all of this... adult stuff another time. Once we get the papers or something." He nodded, trying to be nonchalant. 

It was tough with him here. 

I was socializing, smiling, Emmett's arm wrapped loosely around my hip. But the room felt hot, sticky, no matter where I went. He was here, and like he always had, Mason had a power over me. The power to draw me to him no matter what. I wasn't used to it anymore, able to push it away so easily. 

And I knew it was wrong. We had split up for a reason. He cheated on me. We tried, and tried, and tried to fix things, but it never worked. We spent too many long nights screaming, or too many long nights crying. Extremely occasionally, we would have a good night. Usually when we went out to dinner or drinks with friends. We always came home happy, but there was always a pang in the back of my throat. 

Eventually it had to be done. He had agreed. Everyone agreed.

Now, I had Emmett. He was kind, and strong, and funny. He had a good head on his shoulders and he loved his parents. He was everything I had ever wanted. We had talked about the future a little bit, and he didn't seem to have a major plan. He had nonchalantly said something about children and a house with a pool. It hit a little too close to home so I had changed the topic quickly.

One night he asked me if I would marry him. Not right then and there, but eventually. I really did love him, just in a different way than I had loved Mason. I was still differentiating the two.

I let myself out the front door to breathe, standing under the porch roof and letting the rainy wind cool me down. I only had a few seconds to myself before Emmett opened the door.

"Hey." I heard the door shut slowly behind him, "Everything okay?" A reassuring nod and a deep breath were released before I spoke.

"Yeah. Just needed a minute to breathe." He stayed quiet and stood next to me just close enough for our arms to touch. "Do you ever think about life so much it kind of makes you dizzy? Like you want to throw up?" The wine was getting to me again, god I need to stop drinking. What a stupid thing to say. 

He laughed, "only sometimes." His shoulder bumped my lightly in an attempt to cheer me up. I didn't react. "Oh, honey. What's wrong? Tell me what you're thinking about." I shrugged blankly, looking at the cloudy sky which made the Earth look very cold and sad.

"Nothing specific. Its all just kind of scary, don't you think?" Neither of us looked at each other, we both just stared out at the lawn, the neighborhood. My old neighborhood. I wondered if he knew that.

"He calls you Jessie..." Emmett suddenly stated. I finally turned my neck to look at him confused. "It never seemed so real to me before. I guess I never really let it sink in that somebody else loves you just the way I do." 

"Loved." I corrected, not exactly sure where this was going. His eyebrows pinched together.

"He sends you money every month, and you're not even actually divorced, babe." His hands covered mine soothingly. His voice wasn't accusing, it was soft. I realized this hurt him. 

"He brought up the papers tonight. And he's selling the house." I told him, shutting down whatever ideas were flowing in his head. 

"I'm sorry, Jessica." He paused for a few seconds taking in a few deep breaths before he spoke again, "What was he like?" I thought it was a odd question.

"He's right inside, go talk to him if you want to know about him so bad." My words stung and I regretted saying them. His hands moved from mine.

"I know that he is what you're upset about. I was just trying to help." My fingers tapped anxiously on the railing. Aggressively.

"By talking about it more?" He placed a kiss on my forehead.

"I'll be inside, okay? Find me when you're ready."