perfectly imperfect ;

she was often labelled as attention-seeking, bratty or a pick-me-girl. she was called lazy, stupid, undeserving when she made one small mistake. one slip-up and her career could be over. all it took was one mistake. one article. one video. one rumour. and it could be the end of it all. sometimes, it wasn't easy to go to sleep with thoughts like that roaming around her head, stress was the worst part of being an idol. her fans were sweet but they didn't understand the k-pop industry, you had to be pitch-perfect. not one single mistake. her beauty should be absolutely perfect, no pimples, no scarring, no loopy eyes, no bad hair days. it had to be set in place, it had to be flawless. everyone would impose these terrible beauty standards on her which made her feel so insecure about her body.

her personality couldn't be too loud or too quiet. not too badass but not too cute. just in the middle. just perfect. she was a fake, really. she wished she could be how she really was with her fans. what her fans saw was somebody her company created - a robot. they didn't like a person, they liked a fake. a fake version of sooyoung. it made her feel guilty at times - she was lying to her fans, wasn't she? she was letting them believe she was someone who she wasn't. she wasn't so outgoing, she wasn't so talented, she wasn't so beautiful, she wasn't so cute - she was a little bit on the quiet side, she didn't always feel like opening up, she would only talk to her friends in a hyper way. she was talented, yes, but her vocals would be edited so much that it would make her feel like an outcast. she had pimples too, she had bad hair days too. but her company would never allow her to showcase her flaws - because she was an idol. an idol is another word for a role model and to be a role model, you can't make mistakes, you need to be flawless.

so, sooyoung tried her best to never let her facade slip. she wanted to be a good role model for her fans. she never once let them down - and while she wasn't being completely open with her fans, she did try to be as normal as she could, she would let her real personality shine at times. her fans loved it. her fans loved her being her, her fans loved it when she would talk about herself openly and slowly she began to accept herself more. at some point, she stopped caring about what others thought. she began to really live as her and that only gained her more fans. they adored her, it wasn't just because she was absolutely beautiful. it was because of her aura - she was sweet, warm, kind and had a beautiful voice. she would sing on vlive a lot, she was confident in her voice now, she had a unique sort of vocal colour that everyone loved. sooyoung was one of the most loved k-pop idols now.

their 4th anniversary vlive went by quickly, the members played traditional games, laughed together, cried together, talked about their trainee days, all of them except chaewon were fluent in english - chaewon was learning very quickly so the other members encouraged her to interact with international fans. the girls really were like sisters.

after the vlive was over, the girls sighed, the managers looked satisfied with the content in the vlive. midnight absolutely cherished vlives because they could connect with their fans, but it was still work. it was still stressful. they needed to be very careful in their lives, they couldn't make any errors. so at the back of their mind, they were anxious - because a small error from any member could ruin all of them. that was the true life of idols. it wasn't just performing, singing, rapping - to be an idol, you have to attain perfection and the public will only view your perfect side. imperfections were not fancied in the industry, or anywhere at all. when sooyoung was younger, she thought being an idol would be a dream come true. singing, rapping, dancing, performing, it was everything she was fond of. she didn't know that most parts of being an idol was just hell.

your face had to be perfect, your voice had to be perfect, everything you said had to be perfect, no negotiations were allowed. if an idol is over, they're over for good. they're not going to be able to come back from ruthless rumours. midnight weren't insecure and they'd all recovered from their mental health problems, but that didn't mean they weren't scared or anxious. because they had risked everything for the idol life. they'd spent an average of 5 years training and for it to all go to waste because of one mistake? that would be hell.