An Average Girl

Playing with the Past (Unedited)

Flicking on the television I laid on my back staring up at the white ceiling, wondering how in the hell I got here, how I ended up mauled and scarred behind repair. I was probably a really shitty person in my last life that was the only explanation. My mouth tasted of salt and gingerly I touched my cheek feeling the moisture on my fingertips. Great I was crying again.

My black phone beeps signalling a new text but I ignore it, too lazy to move to check. It was probably Lucy trying to reach out to me again. A part of me was touched that she cared about our friendship this much when we weren’t even that close before the whole falling out, but another part of me just wanted her to leave me the hell alone. Why did no one understand that I just wanted to be left alone?

A commercial for Burger King comes on, and I remember that I have not eaten anything all day. Picking myself up off the couch I walk to the kitchen and stare blankly inside of my fridge. There is nothing but a rotten apple and a block of cheese. Dialling from the home phone I order a small cheese pizza and wait.

The doorbell rings and I pay the man for my food giving him a three dollar tip. The smell of melted cheese and pizza dough infiltrates my nostrils and my stomach grumbles in anticipation. Biting into my first slice, I manage to eat half of it before a wave of nausea hits me and I’m tempted to throw up again. Disappointed at my lack of appetite I put the rest in my fridge, hoping I’d get hungry later tonight. Then again hope is for fools.

Flopping back onto the couch I check my phone out of sheer lack of having anything better to do. The television still blares in the background but I am unsure of what show is even playing currently. They all seem trivial to me at this point. My blood runs cold as I see a new message from Christian. I wished that he didn't have the foresight to obtain it last time he has here; his intelligence was something to be afraid of.

I’m messaging you just as promised. See you soon <3

A ghost of a smile touches my lips for the first time this week. It was like he thought we were having a love affair and I was tempted to give into his delusion and play along. It would ease the pain he would inflict if I was complacent, the anxiousness of when he would come for me would disappear. Maybe I could even love him. Why not? He has seen me at my worst and yet he still cares. He would never betray me as long as I never left him again. Maybe this was meant to be my happily ever after. I want to finally have my happily ever after. 

A laugh reverberates through my body and I shake my head dismissively. I could never love him.

But running from him at this point will only make it worse and my only other option would be to stay with a friend, at least for a couple weeks till I could change the locks and the alarm code. But even if I wanted to, I didn't have anyone left to turn to. I chose to isolate myself from Iris and Lucy and everyone. I did this. Me. And now there was nowhere left to hide, nowhere to go. All I can do is wait and I am so sick of waiting. 

I open a new message to reply, but what do you say to the man who has torn you limb from limb and broken you so thoroughly that no one would ever want you but him. The idea of inviting him over comes to mind and I mull it over chewing on my bottom lip. It would be quicker this way, gentler even, a kind mercy only I could give myself.

Is it okay if I come visit you this time? In two weeks? – Sara

Oh god, what the hell was I doing, I was asking for trouble quite literally but I hit the send button none the less and waited for his response. Whether or not I would actually go was another question that toyed with the possibility of me having already lost my sanity but at the very least it would ensure that I would not have to see him for two weeks. I now had fourteen days to decide what needed to be done and figure out how this was all going to play out.