white eyes, blank souls (broken heart-strings sequel)

seventeen

"Emily, dear... if you're starting to change your mind as we walk, Fan can lead you back down the trails to the manor..."

N-

No. No matter how horrifying the road looks as we go down it, this is my duty too! To be by their side is all I can do now, so I will help with all their tasks and come to take them partially as my own. 

Fan prods at my right hand, prying my fingers open to hold onto my hand easily. He doesn't say anything at all, only holds on comfortably. Waiting for a response? If he knows me at all, he knows I would never turn back now. 

"Bi'An... why did you and Wujiu stay in one body for all that time? You never used to, but something changed one season... and why would you... come back?" I try to ask. The male to my right grips my hand harder, while the one to my left puts his hand up to his mouth. 

"Please, Emily, just call us Xie and Fan like all the others in the manor... that's how it's always been. It's embarrassing for you to say otherwise," Xie sputters quickly, grabbing my left hand with his, connecting the three of us together. 

"Sorry..."

Fan hums slightly, the first noise he's made on this trip, before speaking up in a much lighter voice than the other, "I didn't feel well. Because of our ability to do so, it was simple to just stay part of Bi'An and let him do everything for us as a whole. He was easing up pain for me, so I could come back stronger..." 

The way he mumbles makes me feel bad. It's been weighing on me for so long, so I shouldn't feel so awful for asking, right? What does justifying it to myself do? I'm still going to feel shitty either way. 

"Don't worry about it, doll. Relax," Fan starts.

"We're almost there," his counterpart finishes for him. 

I thought this trail ended so much sooner than it does. Every single time I've walked to a match with other survivors, they were so close together, all leading down different ways a bit down this trail. I never considered what would happen if you just kept going straight, never to turn down a small road to the certain map you signed up for. 

It's horrifying that somewhere near us, people have had access to us. That we have ways of communicating with the outside from this... place? What is this? 

Wait-

What the fuck is this? Where are we, anyways? An island? No- It can't be. None of us have ever gone very far. Hell, I'm going the farthest a survivor ever has. What do the hunters know that we don't? Or is it just Wu Chang? What's so special about them? I don't understand. 

I don't think I'll ever understand. 

Fan grips my hand harder, as if to tell me to calm down without having to actually say it again. He's never been a fan of repeating himself. 

As we get closer, the trees start the thin, soon opening up to a small clearing. All that's there is a crate. A singular fucking crate. Something small enough for just one of them to carry. He wasn't kidding, if I wanted to go back earlier, it really wouldn't have been a problem.

Where's... the rest of the rations? Do they come over the course of a few days or...?

"That's it, Emily. That's what I make work for every hunter and survivor over a weeks worth of time. I'm sure you are aware of what takes up most of that space, as well, hmm?"

Oh, sweet God, what have been doing this whole time? Taking what I got for granted. 

Wasting it. 

Not ever using it all. 

Keeping it shoved in boxes in my closet, never to be seen again. 

"All the medical supplies we get... it's taking up space in that crate, too?" I ask, but I don't have to. The way Xie lets go of my hand to go pick it up tells me everything. 

Why? 

Why do they supply us in such a horrible way. 

...

I can't stand this. I can't stand the silence as we start to all walk back through the woods. I shouldn't have come. I never should've seen this. I didn't want to. I didn't want to see what it's actually like. 

"The games are supposed to be bloody and dangerous. Survivors are supposed to get messed up so badly that they pass out for days at a time and can't even get back up to eat before then. That's why we get so much medical supplies and so little food. There's really only enough in there for maybe ten people. We're feeding so many times more than that," fumbles Fan, still gripping my hand tightly.

I can see the manor now. I know there will be people on the porch, waiting. Watching for us to come back. They'll silently wonder where we went and what the box contains. I always did, but now I'm one of the ones getting it. 

As we enter, Fan basically drags me into the pantry, Xie close behind. As soon as we all get in, he closes the door and rips the box open. 

What?

...

Two jars of peanut butter, a box of crackers, two loaves of bread, two pounds of beef jerky that's vacuum sealed in plastic to fit in this tight box, a bag of powdered milk, and a small crate of apples. Under it is where all the metal, plastic, rubber bullshit begins, but that can't be it right. 

The two take out all the food, check over it, and right things down as they do so, taking their time, but making it quicker than I can comprehend. As they move it all, it becomes more and more apparent that no more food is in the box. 

"No. You're kidding, right? You're fucking kidding. Not all of that is medical supplies, right?" I ask, trying not to sound too frantic. 

I mean, it can't be. There's no way. The crate isn't small. It's just not. It looked heavy to carry, and I don't remember getting delivered half that much every week. 

"Of course not. We get things like cloth, thread, and needles to patch and make clothes. We also get other stuff that wears down, knife sharpeners, items to repair and restore rocket chairs, all of that fun stuff. Cipher cranks, too, so we can reset them quickly, before matches. They wear down super quick so we get one new one each week..." 

This feels fake. 

All this time, I've just been living in this world, like it was a game. I've been acting like it was a game, and everyone else I know was too, except Naib and Eli... and Xie and Fan. They've been managing all of this by themselves and I can't even understand how it's real. 

I want to...

no I need to cry...

"Emily..." Xie starts, but Fan beats him to it, wrapping his arms tightly around me in the cramped room. 

"I get it. It's a lot, huh? It would be for me to hear at this point, too..."