To Be Human

Chapter 18 - A talk

We need to talk -

The Tardis Trio decided to take a few days off in which Martha decided to explore the Tardis a little. The Oracle had gone back to the library as soon as they'd left 1913. Every time he tried to approach her she was reading a book and when he spoke up her expression would harden and he would deem it better not to say anything yet.

Soon enough he grew frustrated and went back into the library to find his wife with deep under-eye circles and about thirty books surrounding her. Her hair and clothing were a mess and the blanket she had was knotted around her in some fashion that certainly wasn't warming her.

"Can we talk now?", he asked.

She looked up, shrugged and put the book aside. She rearranged the blanket so it was covering her crossed legs. "Go ahead", her voice was raspy.

"I love you."

"Good start", she rolled her eyes exasperated.

"I just wanted to make sure you knew that before I went on", he scratched the back of his head, "But I did like it. The fob watch showed me a life I could have had with Joan."

The Oracle shrunk into herself and tears were collecting in her eyes. He saw that, sat down next to her and pulled her close. She was too exhausted to protest.

"I liked the idea. Marriage, children, domesticity."

"We are married. We had children. You hate domesticity", she whispered.

"But just imagine it. All that pain to be replaced by a child's laughter. I didn't want Joan, I wanted that life. And I thought I'd have it with her. Or John Smith did. John Smith hung onto her, so I offered her to come along."

"To marry her, have children with her and be domestic with her? Are you kidding me?", she moved to the corner of the couch to put space between them.

"No, because John Smith made me believe it was tied to her. But it's not. It's tied to you. You're my wife, the love of my life. I've imagined that life with you since we were eight years old."

"But we had that life, it's over", she sobbed, tears flowing freely.

"But you said, you wanted to pretend to be fifty again. We started our family when we were fifty. Why can't we start over there?", he got up.

She shook her head violently, "How can you say that?"

"What do you mean?"

"You want to just replace our children. Pretend they never existed."

"No, that's not how it happens. Many people have multiple children, even after the others are grown", he ran a hand through his hair, "And besides you suggested it."

"But our children aren't just grown-ups who went their own ways, they're dead!"

She bit her tongue the instant she had said it out loud.

"I can't- I can't have that. They left a hole, and it was filled with pain, and if we had more children, now", she swallowed and wiped her nose with her sleeve, "I'd be seeing that every day. I would be feeling that pain, even when I could normally distract myself."

"But what if they'd replace a little bit of pain with a little bit of joy? What if they helped us heal?", he stepped closer to her.

He kneeled down in front of her and wiped her tears. She looked him in the eyes and leaned her forehead against his.

"I'm not ready for that. Not yet. I'm sorry. We waited thirty years to have children after we got married. And we only found each other three months ago, two of which we spent apart, nearly one of which you spent with someone else. Give me time, please."

He closed his eyes and a teardrop rolled out. Then he looked at her.

"Okay", he got up and kissed her forehead, "Please come to bed, though. You could use some sleep."

She gave him the slightest smile before she took his hand and let him lead her to the bedroom. When she laid down, he turned to leave.

"Will you stay with me, please? I think that would be nice."

He smiled and stripped down to his pants before he laid down on his side and pulled her close. Here was where they would start healing.