Hazelnut - Ryeji

20

A week has passed.

I spent 7 days inside my room. I was unable to eat properly because of the painful feeling in my chest. I didn't go to school for an entire week, but my mom explained everything to my teacher.

She told them that I am very close with Yeji and she's the first good friend I have ever had so my teacher let me take a break for a week.

While sitting down on the corner of my room, I looked at the window with a blank expression on my face.

It was raining.

I almost spent the entire afternoon crying and thinking about Yeji. I still can't believe she's gone.

Yeji broke a promise of telling me when she would die. I broke a promise because I didn't protect her.

I was so sad that I didn't have the guts to attend her funeral because I believe that Yeji got killed because of me.

I hugged my knees as I picked up my broken phone on the wooden floor. I turned it on and I started looking at the messages that my two best friends sent to me.

Heejin sent me a picture of Yeji's funeral. The entire class attended her funeral. She also sent me a video of Yeji's two best friends, Lia and Chaeryeong. They were breaking down in tears in front of the entire class while hugging a picture of Yeji.

Hyunjin, on the other hand, kept on sending me messages. She kept on asking how I was and if I already ate.

They were worried about me because the rumour that I cut myself started to spread.

It was all true.

I looked at my right wrist and I furrowed my eyebrows as I compressed my trembling lips. I was on the verge of breaking down while looking at my wrist that is filled with cuts.

This experience taught me that people are only worried about you when you're already doing something to yourself.

I wanted to kill myself to end my misery, but I thought that Yeji will get mad at me. I wanted to jump on a pool and drown myself. I wanted to stand on the middle of the highway and wait for a car to hit me. "I don't deserve to live." I said in a weak voice.

While scrolling through my phone, I let out a small smile and a teardrop fell from my tired eyes.

I saw pictures of us in Gwangju. The smile on Yeji's face on the picture I was looking at made my smile grew as big as the blue skies.

I miss her.

I inhaled and exhaled sharply as I turned off my phone. I placed my phone in my pocket and I carefully stood up from the ground.

I finally faced reality.

I slowly accepted that Yeji is gone and there is nothing I can do to bring her back to me.

I thought that not giving Yeji a visit is very disrespectful and she might get mad at me. "I'll visit you today, Yeji." I said while smiling.

--

"Unnie, are you going to visit your friend today?" Yuna asked while looking at me and holding something behind her back.

I inhaled and exhaled sharply through my nose while standing by the door and holding an umbrella. "Yes." I placed my hand on the metal doorknob and I gently opened the door.

I let out a small smile while looking outside. The street was drenched in rain and it was cold. There were kids running and playing under the rain.