Still Inside

Insecurities

I've developed a lot of insecurities while growing up; as I'm sure a lot of people have.

The earliest memory I can recall where I started to develop an insecurity was when I was in second grade. I was just walking to my class when this older guy said that I should "stop walking like a girl." I remember being so confused because I never gave much thought into how I walked.

I still remember practicing my walk in front of a mirror to walk more like a normal boy. I even asked my parents and neighbors if I walked weird and when they said I did, that's when I started to always think about each and every step before I took them. I was 7 when this was happening, and it sucks that I started to feel so uncomfortable with myself at such a young age.

From the moment I started talking, my voice was pretty high for a boy's. I was always told I sounded like a girl, and I hated when people recorded me because when I would hear my voice, I wouldn't even recognize myself. I never knew my voice to be high before, and I never believed anyone until I heard it for myself and that instantly made me feel like I was annoying whenever I talked to someone. Of course, I didn't think that when I was in elementary school, but it was a different story in middle school.

Everyone was starting to hit puberty, and I was a sorta late bloomer, so as all the other guys' voices got deeper, I still had a high pitched voice and I started to stand out more whenever I was talking with other guys. This is one reason why I never talked to anyone whenever I played with people online. I vividly remember playing with my cousin and his friends from his school. We were in an online party and one of his friends said "bro your cousin sounds like a girl". Everyone else stood up for me and told him his voice wasn't much different, and while I did appreciate that, it still didn't lessen the hurt I felt. I never did talk to anyone online anymore. My voice has gotten much deeper now, so much so that it surprises people because my voice doesn't match my personality. I still have trouble while speaking on the phone or whenever I'm playing a game with some people I know, but I'm somewhat growing out of that insecurity.

Another insecurity I have had while growing up, and still have, is my weight. I know for a fact that I was chubby all throughout middle-high school. Nobody ever called me out on it, but I did notice it whenever I looked in the mirror and saw how fat I was. I struggled with my weight for a long time and I never felt like I looked good enough in pictures. I barely have any pictures of me during high school because I avoided them so much. I hated how my body looked, and I think that being gay made it worse.

There's a heavy stigma/stereotype where all gay men are ripped with muscles or look like models. I have yet to see any representation where the characters in a lgbt book or movie look.... normal? I guess you would say.

I always felt like I would never be enough, and that I would forever be alone because I wasn't as hot as that celebrity who came out, or that guy in the show who slept around with other guys. It's hard to see how gay people are almost always portrayed as Gods, and that anything but is considered not good enough. It makes me wonder if I'll ever be good enough?

The way I walked, the way I talked, the way I acted was always brought up in multiple conversations through out the years, and that's basically almost everything about me?

I'm nothing special. I don't play sports. I don't have any talents. I can't sing. I'm average, at best.

I have gotten better at looking at myself in a different light. Since my voice has gotten deeper, I feel more comfortable, and after many years of getting used to having my changed voice, I rarely think about how I talk.

I still think about how I walk every time I go from one place to another. I've been told I walk very stiffly, and that I have no bounce in my step. I guess that's because I'm always focused on not swaying my hips too much like a girl. I don't even remember how that boy in elementary looks, but his words are still stuck to me. I guess he kind of helped me out. If he hadn't pointed out how I walked, someone else might've later on down the line. And that would've drawn more attention than it did back then when I was just a little boy walking to math class.

Also, I officially have lost 28 pounds! It's so crazy to me that my stomach is relatively gone, and that even my thighs are bigger than my abdomen. This is one of my proudest accomplishments. I still don't show my body to anyone, but I'm glad that I can enjoy it for myself whenever I look in the mirror and see that I did that. I still have a little love handles on my sides, but I'm sure that they'll go way soon if I keep on pushing.

I was borderline overweight for many years, just hovering under 150. This pandemic gave me a lot of time to think, and over the span of 7 months, I reached 120 pounds and became better than ever before. Some people actually thought I did drugs to lose weight! I honestly didn't see much of a difference until 2 or 3 months ago. I still see my chubby self sometimes, but I no longer feel any resentment towards my body whenever I look at myself. I'm still not happy with it, but I'm content with how it is now.

Wow, I actually haven't really thought about my insecurities up until now. There are more, but I think that I wrote down enough for my brain to relax. Plus, I don't think I need to write about the insecurities I have on the stretch marks on my a-