My Pastel Fantasy

My Pastel Fantasy: Chapter One- Meeting Mari

It couldn't be real. I began to swoon- slowly, and then all at once, hurtling towards the earth, plummeting in all my mortal disgrace. It was pure, unadulterated, irrevocable euphoria- and I despised them for it. For here, at the Tokyo Dome, dreams came true. And I was living mine.

"Mari- Mari, what the hell are you doing?"

Dear god. What had I done? I had been playing Kai's solo debut for hours- and this time, Sasha just might kill me for it. I had a job to do, I couldn't be slacking off like this. I mean, if I was ever going to make it as a trainee, much less idol, and much, much less worthy of meeting all nine members of EXO- I had serious work to do. And if I was ever going to make it as a trainee, well then- I had to get through this shift.

"Coming!!!!" I was flustered, strands of my follicles latching onto my skin in protest as I frantically began washing the last of the day's dishes. I had daydreamed for so long of this day, this welcome departure from my slow burning world that never quite seemed to be anything but sparks. I had two minutes, and damn it, I was going to make it count. Sasha would be furious, of course, but after today- it wouldn't matter a bit. She smiled at me from a kitchen window, every flawless feature a testament to the modern miracles plastic surgeons perform everyday. God is real, people, and it looks like Sasha Desireé Wilkes. I should know. She's my best friend. We met in kindergarten, two girls so in love with the magical world of My Little Pony and what we could fathom of fashion design. I wanted to be a fashion designer and she wanted to be a painter. I don't think that's changed. Ever since, we have been truly, and utterly devoted to one another. I was there when they accused Sasha of stealing her roommate's computer only for it to be her roommate's ex girlfriend, I was there when she lost her internship because her married "boss" was sexually harassing her, and I was there when her little sister died last year of leukemia, so to say that we're close is an understatement. Sasha, EXO, and my boyfriend are the loves of my life. And hopefully they always will be.

"Marisol Aracelí Taína Taína Miranda-Leoń- -Leonso help me god, if you don't finish your dishes we'll never be done! And I literally cannot wait to get ourselves to the airport, my bags were packed three months ago and yours better be. You know we've been waiting for this all our lives. This, and meeting SEVENTEEN, but I know EXO and SHINee are your true loves." Sasha's so musical when she speaks. It's as if I can imagine her already, humming along in a sound booth and then- the chorus- and she belts that high note, and it's pure and it's clear, and those are my lyrics, but when she sings them- it means more than I think she'll ever know. Sasha is a coloratura soprano, but I think she could sing spinto if she really applied herself. She's already so dedicated to her craft, but opera's never been her thing. It's really quite a waste. She belts those words as if they're straight from some jeweled labyrinth far, far away. And all I want for her is to make it- no matter where, I just need people to hear that voice.

I'm a lyricist. I always have been, always will be. It began by scrawling couplets onto the pastel rose walls of my childhood bedroom, by humming out little ditties with my mother while we waited for my dad to come home from work, and he'd be tired, and he wouldn't want to hear any music, just silence. My house was so silent. And that's why I can't stand it. I will never, ever, allow myself to be alone like that again. If I didn't have my mother, God bless her soul- I'm not sure where I'd be. My pen is the only weapon I have, because when I speak, it's never quite right, but when I sing it, when I sing my poetry- I am the woman I've always wanted to be, and everything makes sense. Everything is clearer when I sing, and it's the same for Sasha. I believe all creatives have some sort of hole, some strange emptiness that exists within us to be so invested in the melancholia of creating and bringing forth art, mothering these pieces and giving characters and stories lives of their own. Fundamentally, all living creatures need and deserve to be heard. It is a human right, and it is taken away from so many. I pray that I never drown out anyone, but so long as I am heard, I am content. I am settled.

Sasha is so eager, so brimming with hope and with the fluttering butterflies that come with being a true EXO-L. We're called EXO-L's because from the beginning, the group was split into EXO-K and EXO-M. K sings in Korean, naturally, and M sings in Mandarin. And what's between K and M? L. It's almost as if we, the fans, are the third set. And truly, we are. I've never seen people so devoted and so full of life as K-Pop
fans. Of course there are people so cynically hell-bent on tearing down other fans and groups- that's to be expected, there will be with any subculture and with any culture at all, but you have your gems, and most souls are gems if you crack the geode just enough, if you venture just a little bit farther into the Cave of Wonders. Is K-Pop a cult? Duh bitches, why do you think we're here? We're fully aware we're a cult and we don't fucking care, this is our life and we love living it to the fullest. EXO, SHINee, and many other groups besides bring me joy and give me something and someone to believe in, and that is worth everything. I have had my dark moments, the shadows that threaten everything you are and everything you will be, that have attempted to dim my light. But Sasha and our love of this thing were there. So dammit, I love k-pop and no one is taking it away from us!

We've been planning this trip for ages. Funded exclusively by her and by moi, we've saved and scraped for years. Neither Sasha nor I come from wealth, so a voyage like this- it's once in a lifetime.

I grew up in Chicago, though I ran to Monterrey as fast as I could, here in California. My mami y papa are from Puerto Rico. My dad's Taíno, old blood. My mother is Afro-Puerto Rican. When they came to this country, they had nothing. They built their lives from the ground up, no safety net like with so many of these WASPs who claim to be self-made and expect everyone else to do the same. I received an excellent education thanks to them, and a beautiful childhood. But we weren't middle class. The beauty of living in America is that almost every child grows up believing that they're middle class, and when they grow up, they either actually are or they know better. I grew up living in homes we rented, and with landlords and ladies who... weren't the kindest to mixed Latino families. And to young girls.

I have a half-sister, Flor. Her name is Florencia but we call her Flor because Florencia sounds like a rich girl from Santo Domingo's name, and her parents are totally gringos but they try to hide it and say, "Spanish Dominicans are still Dominicans, chica." Florencia Altagracia was my father's mother. She was mostly Taíno like my grandfather. And she had the most beautiful eyes- dark and almond shaped like mine. My mother's mother was from Barbados. Her name was Gisele, and they say I look a lot like her. I hope I do. They say I sing like her too. She used to say when I was a child, "I sing, therefore I can be free." Secretly, I always knew she was paraphrasing Audre Lorde, but I never minded. She taught me to read, you know. That's why I can write down my lyrics, get out everything that's in my head. And in that, I am free.

Waitressing, writing jobs when I can get them, and Sasha's modeling have all contributed to the voyage of a lifetime: our two-stop visit to the Tokyo Dome in Japan, and then- sweet, glorious South Korea, blessed be thy holy name, you are the true capital of all that is good and righteous. We'll go to Seoul, of course, but you can drive across the entire country in five hours, so we'll definitely be seeing some other assorted cities and towns. Maybe Suncheon, if we're lucky. It's Kai's birthplace, and I just need to see it before I die, okay? The silly fangirl within me hath decreed it. I am wholly and utterly in love with that man, and I'm not afraid to say it.

When I was thirteen, I fell hard for EXO. My parents were in the midst of a semi-tumultuous divorce, though they tried to keep everything from falling apart. But I did, and EXO helped put me back together again. My understanding of what I loved evolved to fit this world of K-Pop and EXOPLANET. It evolved to welcome those beautiful men's faces. And I am forever in their debt for it. Forever an EXO-L, forever Kai's. His dancing is the purest form of light in my world, other than Sasha and my boyfriend André. They're my everything, and I won't be shy about it.

"Et voila!" And so, I was finished. Sometimes it helps to be lost in my own world when I'm working. If it doesn't distract me, that is. I find it's easier to cope with everyday mundanity if you daydream.

"Finally, girl! Now, let's bounce!"

And so, we were off. Off to love, off to light, off to Tokyo, where my pastel fantasy would finally be fulfilled.