Joel Hokka / Blind Channel - ENEMIES WITH BENEFITS (English)

19 - doesn't it scare you?

I was startled by the sound of someone's footsteps and opened my eyes. Apparently Joonas and I had been falling asleep only in a matter of minutes, comfortably snuggled up to each other. The arm of the man with the tousled, fluffy hair was still resting on my shoulders. I could feel his calm, frequent breath soothingly hit my skin from time to time.

I could make out Joel's silhouette in the darkness that was enveloping us. "I think Joonas is sleeping." I whispered into the dark. Joonas looked so peaceful, I didn't want Joel to wake him. Joel sat down on the sofa, as far away from us as he could. The blonde one didn't make a sound, he didn't say anything. I thought that was very odd, the older one had always been loud and vocal but now the distance between us was filled with silence.

"Joel?" I whispered into the darkness. Paying attention that I would't wake up the sleepy band member, I carefully removed Joonas' arm from my shoulders. "What?" I heard the blonde one hiss back at me once I slowly lifted my body from the soft piece of furniture.

Joonas was asleep which meant Joel and I were basically alone. I didn't want to ruin anything but I had to ask Joel what he thought this thing between us was.

"I need to talk to you... but not here I don't want to wake up Joonas." After the conversation I had with Joonas not having any clarity threw me into a deep hole of confusing emotions. I feared only Joel's words could drag me out of it, or if I was out of luck, he would let me sink more and more into that deep hole. "Fine." Joel answered briefly and got up from the sofa, leading the way into the kitchen of Joonas' apartment.

If I was completely honest I didn't even know what words I wanted to hear from the older one "Joel what are we doing?" I posed the question without hesitation, so consuming were the confusing thoughts that teared me apart. "I think right now we're standing in Joonas' kitchen." Joel smiled at me mischievously. This man never took anything serious. By god he drove me completely insane.

"No, I mean what exactly is that between you and me? Because I really can't make any sense of it. One moment we hate each other and the next moment everything feels to good to be true... It's just- It's killing me." I was halfway whispering, halfway yelling at him. On the one hand I wanted to show Joel how conflicted my mind was about the whole situation but on the other hand I still remembered that Joonas was sleeping so peacefully in the room next to us.

"Oh come on, don't be so upset. We're both just looking for a little distraction, a little fun. You didn't think that this is something serious, did you?" He laughed and pointed back and forth between me and him. I should have expected his answer, honestly I should have known. And as much as I wanted to agree with his answer, I couldn't. I still hated the older one, or at least I really believed I did, but at the same time I had to admit to myself that one part of me was falling for him.

I should have known. I should have known from the first time I looked into his deadly cold eyes, the first time I felt his touch on me, the first time our lips connected that it wasn't meant to be.

"So that's what I am to you. A distraction. Your toy that you use whenever you feel like playing and then just throw away when you're done. Why am I not surprised?" I didn't know if I was more angry at him for saying those words or at myself because I had been foolish enough to let him get this close to me, to the point where he was actually able to hurt me. One way or another this situation developed in a direction I really didn't like.

"Oh stop acting like you didn't know what you were getting yourself into. Like you wouldn't fucking enjoy it. Besides isn't that exactly what you did to Aleksi? You used him and then threw him away." Joel's words hit me out of nowhere. Why exactly did he have to bring that up?

"Doesn't it scare you? You're just like me, the only difference is that I don't pretend to be a sweet, innocent person like you always claim to be. But we both know that you're none of those things. You're so pathetic it's unbelievable. And to think that my intentions with you would be even remotely close to being serious? Is fucking delusional." Joel's cold, rough voice gave me the chills. I couldn't remember the last time his voice had been filled with so much pure hate, it almost caused me pain when I looked at him.

Was I really such a bad person? Was that what connected us to each other? Or did he just try to get into my head with his words again? Was I really that delusional? I mean I almost never saw one single spark of emotion in that eyes consumed by emptiness. But that I didn't seem to mean anything to him, not the tiniest smallest bit, somehow created a big wound.

"If I mean nothing to you then why don't you go out and find someone else to fuck around with? Why do you always keep making me do those things?" The whole world spun around me, making me completly dizzy. Maybe the effects of the alcohol also contributed to that but it most definitely were Joel's words that made me feel things I tried to surpress.

"Because that look in your eyes everytime I touch you and you realize that you want to feel me so badly although you promised yourself to hate me is priceless. You're feeding my ego everytime I make you give in, everytime you suddenly turn desperate for me because I can make you do anything I want. You have no idea how much that turns me on."

Joel's eyes were reflecting pure lust and his voice was dangerously low again. Just for a moment I was tempted to throw it all away and kiss him, completely letting his lust consume me. But the urge to not give him what he wanted was much stronger. Every single time he had been able to wrap me around his finger, but not this time. Not after he threw his words just so brutally at me.

"Well that's too bad because I am no longer giving in. That's it, whatever this is, it's over, we're done." I simply said but Joel just laughed at my attempt of sounding careless and cold-hearted. It made me go insane that my words didn't seem to bother him at all, he even seemed amused.

"Yeah, right. Go on then, pretend you are a self-determined woman that isn't secretly seeking being controlled and used. We both know it will only be a matter of time until you come crawiling back to me once your desperation consumes you again." His ego was so big it was unbelievable. It was a mystery to me how I fell for that arrogant asshole, even if it was only a small, tiny part of me. I hated myself.

"Good night Joel." I walked past him without looking back once. "You're really going through with this? Come on we both no you have absolutely no ounce of self-control." It took every bit of strength I had in me not to answer when I walked out of that room.

I distantly heard how the front door was shut, Joel seemed to be gone. I took a deep breath of relief.

I just wished that my words somehow affected him, or even that they hurt him. This whole situation was so fucked up and I only now realized what I had gotten myself into.

Joel and I were both full of shit, we were so toxic and so bad for each other. But as much as I hated it it made me feel alive, he made me feel so alive. I couldn't really put it into words but sometimes I wondered if my mentally ill brain really seeked something like this. If that was the case then all hope was lost. Joel would ultimately break my heart and I let him.

Joonas was absolutely right we really were enemies with benefits. The worst kind of relationship that could exist between two people. The only purpose of our relationship was to cause each other pain to see who could hurt the other one more, who was able to ruin the other one completely.

At this point I wasn't even sure if I could ever break away from Joel again. For now I had been able to do that but who knew how long I was able to keep him on distance. Everyone knew that I wasn't particularly good at that.

Author's note:
And we're back with the drama of course we are. 😌
Naomi really said: fuck you Joel
But then again we all know she's totally weak for that man like girl "I am no longer giving in" I don't believe you, and I am the one who created you.

I hope you had fun reading, I think in the next chapter Naomi has to face Aleksi again but I haven't really made up my mind how that's going to end yet but we'll see.

Also thank you for 10k reads what the hell