Debauchery [ h.s ]

1

I wonder how long this will continue—waking up early, working all day in a place that doesn't use any of the skills I have learned in school - the same routine, every day. At the end, this is the life of many people on this earth. But the non-existence of a social life and the impossibility of creating one had left me with no choice; I am forced to live this way. And my brother, who is increasingly absent nowadays, was the only one who took me out of this suffocating reality. I feel like I can never be myself, never live the way I want to, never express my emotions the way I feel. Even at home, I am constantly wearing a mask. And the girl I was hiding isn't going to last much longer in this cramped place. I feel like I am slowly dying from the inside.

"Hi Mark." I hear in the distance when I was lost in my thoughts.

I instantly open my eyes as I recognise the deep voice, and turn towards the corridor leading to the kitchen. I perceive his nonchalant footsteps on the floor getting closer to me, and then a pair of tired, blue eyes appear in the doorway. His brown hair is messy, dark circles are under his eyes, and I can tell he is barely awake.

Has he even slept ? His room had been empty the rest of the night, and I had barely slept a wink. What does he do every night ? Where does he find the time to sleep for weeks ? I don't even know if he has seen our parents again, or if he is ever going to come home. Where had my brother gone ? Who has taken him from me ? Why has our closeness suddenly disappeared ? I miss him, and life without him will soon drive me crazy.

"Hello ?" I say, sarcastically.

I cross my arms over my chest and give him an annoyed look. He rolls his eyes and passes beside me, sweeping the air with his perfume, to get behind the counter. His scent is mixed with cigarette smoke which is not uncommon these days. I follow him with my eyes and I feel like my nerves are about to explode. His attitude was arrogant even though, I am the one who should be pissed off.

"Where were you last night ?" I throw out, unable to hold back my words.

He looks at me with a blank stare and then ignores me. I clench my fists; he is getting so defiant. I feel like a ghost, but also like a mother who is going to blame her son. I hate having this role because it makes me think I am being rude to him. I don't want to do what our parents did with us, even though Louis is the more mature one of us. A forced smile suddenly plays on his lips as a few customers enter the diner.

"None of your business," he mutters.

His voice sounds almost unfamiliar. It has been so long since we have last spoken and now it sounds deeper as well as raspier since a few days.

"Hello !" I say as they come closer.

They nod and take their seats at a table.

"Are you serious !?" I continue in a lower voice, even though the diner's music almost drowns out our voices. "I've been covering for you for a couple of weeks, and I don't even know why you're never at home !"

I can't hold back my anger as he has pushed me to my limits. My voice gets higher every time I'm angry.

"Oh, would you like me to thank you ?" He replies.

I clench my jaw and take a deep breath, trying to calm my burning nerves. I clasp my hands together as they begin to shake; Louis is able to defy the effect of my medication.

"I'm taking risks for you, Louis, and I'm not sure that the reason you're never at home is even legal."

"Louis, orders !" Mark shouts from across the kitchen.

Louis exhales and then walks away from me, heading towards the customers sitting at the end of the restaurant. I can never get ahold of him, for him to confess and instead, the truth always escapes me. I worry about what he might be doing at night; my concern for him is going to lose me. I grab his wrist and as I pull him towards me, I see that his arm is covered in tattoos. Our eyes meet and he quickly pulls his wrist away from my grasp.