Words Left Unsaid (nadani fanfiction)

Words left unsaid

Hiya, you've reached Kian Madani's mobile. I'm busy right now, or probably just asleep. leave a message and I'll call you back - maybe. If it's about work, just page me. Here comes the bleep...

"Kian, it's Jac. I know it's been a while, but there's something I need to talk to you about. Could we grab a coffee some time? Call me back, or, you know, don't."

Hiya, you've reached Kian Madani's mobile. I'm busy right now, or probably just asleep. leave a message and I'll call you back - maybe. If it's about work, just page me. Here comes the bleep...

"Madani, I know you've been ignoring my calls, but I guess I might be doing the same thing, if I were you. But, look, I'm moving back to Holby, to Darwin. I was going to check with you first, but I can't get in contact, but I presume you're just blanking me. We're going to have to work together, be mature about this. Perhaps we can sort some stuff out, deal with our... history. Call me back, and if you don't, I'll see you on Monday."

Hiya, you've reached Kian Madani's mobile. I'm busy right now, or probably just asleep. leave a message and I'll call you back - maybe. If it's about work, just page me. Here comes the bleep...

"It's Jac. I know now that you can't hear me. You're being eaten by worms, or you were ground up and then ground into tiny pieces. Not you exactly - the real you was your personality, existing just in your brain, but that's gone too. Still, I need to talk to someone, but I can't tell anybody. I just have to get it out, or I may go mad. I mean, I did that already, but, you know.

I don't know what I expected when I got back to work today, but I know it wasn't this. I thought you might hate me, or have moved away. But, it never crossed my mind that you might be dead, gone. I mean, why would it? you were always so alive. 

But, I'd been hoping this might have been different. That was what I'd been wanting to talk to you about. I missed our friendship, the playful sniping, easy camaraderie. I loved having somebody I could really trust, a colleague who always had my back. I thought that we could start again, get that back. If I'm being honest, I miss Us, more that everything, the way that you knew me better than I knew myself, the way I felt when we were together. We had something good. I really hoped, almost believed, that you'd want to try again, that it'd work out this time. But now we'll never know. I think that's why it hurts so much. I should never have got my hopes up, I should have learnt that years ago. All hope ever causes is hurt. Believing things could be different is only a weakness. As soon as you forget, even for a second, the way the world works, it leaves room for reality to crush you. But the world only hurts if you let it in, so I try not to. I believe in self-preservation above all else.

I told you some of this once, a long time ago. Back at med school. Somebody had found out about my mum, and written a letter, pretending to be her. I really thought it was real, that she'd come back for me. When I found out, I got upset. I was only 21, so I dealt with it the worst possible way, by getting drunk. Even though you were irritating, you were the only one I trusted, I knew you'd never use it against me, like the others.

The next day, I became a whole new me. I bought my first motorbike, re-invented myself. You were the first person I showed it to. Do you remember?

Give me a minute,  we have a wild Emma approaching."

"Mummy, is Kian here? I want to show him how good I've got at swing ball."

"Emma, sweetie, Kian isn't here any more. He... moved back to Canada."

"When is he coming back? Can I call him? Pleassseeee."

"He changed his number, and he won't be coming back. I'm sorry."

"I'm gonna miss him. Can I have a hug?"

"Of course. I miss him too." 

"I know you do. You always looked happy when he was there."

"Yeah, I really was."

"Mummy, why are you crying?

"I'm not crying. Oh, yeah, I guess I am. Don't worry, it's just mummy being silly. Why don't you go find Uncle Sacha?

I couldn't tell her Kian, I just couldn't. She's just a kid, she doesn't need to know. Besides, nobody here talks about you any more. It's like you never existed. You know, she was asking about you on the car journey down, couldn't wait to see you again. 

She's living with me full time now, isn't that amazing? I was in Edinburgh for a while, spent time with Emma, got on better terms with Jonny. We're friends... almost. But, Stacey pregnant with triplets, so we all decided that she would be better off with me, since I have more time, more space. 

I had some articles published in prestigious medical journals, I'm sure you'll have come across one. You know that   theory I had at university, to reduce the risk of stroke in aortic dissection, well I finally managed to prove it. I'm Darwin's clinical lead again too, and I love my job. Nicky's back, although she doesn't seem to get much work done when louis is around. There's no way that they're just colleges. My friend Mo might be coming back too. We're going to put Darwin back on the map, Hansen's even going to fund a new unit.

In fact, my life's pretty much perfect right now, everything I ever dreamed of. I know these are the best decisions I could have made,  but why doesn't it feel like that? I can't help but think that if I'd stayed, you might still be alive. I could have been there for you, been what you needed. Enough of a reason for you to keep going, to recover. People would say that I couldn't have known, couldn't have changed anything. But here's the thing - I could. All it would have taken was a word, you said so yourself. I just had to tell you to stop, and you would've. But I knew it would happen again, and I couldn't do it. I still loved you, but that isn't enough sometimes. That's why I put the walls up Madani, because as soon as you trust somebody, rely on them, you lose control, give them the power to hurt you. And you hurt me, more than you realise. It had been a long time since I'd trusted somebody so much.

But, honestly, you weren't the only reason I left. If Kian Madani was just an old friend I hadn't seen in years, I still would have gone in a heartbeat. But, you see, you could have been the reason I stayed. But it doesn't matter now. All the words I should have said are just sat on a voicemail. In 20 minutes, I'll be sewing up hearts like mine isn't breaking. 

Goodbye Kian. I loved you, I really did.