Not Expendable

Chapter 1

"Hi," Eddie whispered, basking in the warmth of Buck's embrace.

"Hi."

They came inside, Buck dropping his bags and coat on the sofa before he and Eddie settled down next to them. There was some small talk about the goings-on at the firehouse and the obscene lack of legroom on planes for a man Buck's size, Eddie making a brief trip to the kitchen to get Buck a glass of water in the meantime, before they fell silent. Eddie reached out to caress Buck's cheek, shooting him a look that was equal parts love and concern.

"I know this visit wasn't the easiest thing for you," he said tentatively, wanting to let Buck set the pace of the conversation and not push him too hard. "If you want to talk, I'm here."

Buck nodded, his eyes downcast. It took a few seconds before he spoke.

"Uh... most of it was okay, actually. Just awkward, but it's not like I expected anything else. That's just the way it is with my parents. The thing is, I just had this, uh, this bad dream on the first night. It's kind of been on my mind ever since."

Eddie's hand slid from Buck's cheek down to his hand to entwine their fingers. "What kind of dream?" Eddie asked gently.

Buck sighed. He still wasn't making continuous eye contact with Eddie, only briefly glancing at him here and there. "I think being in that house again kind of got to me, you know. This is the first time I've been there since I found out about Daniel, about everything that happened... and in a way, it felt like he was haunting the place. It's weird, because he never actually lived there. But I guess when we moved in, we brought his ghost with us."

Eddie's grip on Buck's hand became stronger, but he didn't say anything. He didn't have any idea what to say.

"Anyway..." Buck wearily rubbed his forehead with the palm that wasn't being held by Eddie's. "I'm pretty sure that is why I had the dream. I dreamt that my parents, Maddie and I were sitting down for dinner, and it was really tense. Yeah, I know, not exactly unusual for us. But my parents weren't talking to either one of us, just to each other. And my mom said something like, 'I can't keep doing this, Phillip. You know it's not supposed to be like this. Daniel is supposed to be here.' She was crying."

Eddie's face got a little paler. He was pretty sure where this was going, although he hoped beyond hope that he was wrong.

"And he tried to calm her down, saying it's okay, but she wouldn't listen... 'It's not okay, Phillip... he's not supposed to be here. Daniel is.'"

A knife pierced Eddie's heart, cruel and unforgiving. "Buck..." he breathed and tried to gather his boyfriend into his arms again, but Buck held up a hand, wordlessly asking Eddie not to. Eddie settled back into his seat, feeling utterly defeated.

"Then," Buck continued, and Eddie realized his voice had taken on that lifeless quality from their phone call the morning after Buck had this dream, "All of a sudden, Daniel walked in. I mean, I have no idea what he would've looked like as an adult, but I guess because he and I looked so much alike when we were kids, based on that picture I found, my mind imagined him as an older version of me. That's what he looked like. So he sat down at the table by my parents, and my mom kissed him on the cheek and my dad patted him on the back. They started talking, and they were smiling and laughing and... I'm not sure I've ever seen my mom and dad act like that in real life. They were just happy. I tried talking to them, I don't know what I said, you know how it is with dreams, there's all this stuff you don't remember. But they didn't hear a word I said, or maybe they just ignored me, I don't know. The only one who looked at me was Maddie, and she had this sad look in her eyes, but she didn't say anything. And then both of us were just staring at them, with Daniel."