Breathe

Chapter 6

I was a junior in high school. I had no idea what I wanted to be but I knew that I didn't want to stay here. I knew and believed that there was something else out there for me. It was summer. I could take classes over the summer and graduate early but I decided not to because I honestly just needed a break from myself. You'd think it'd be easy. Loving yourself. It's really not. It's like everything about you is wrong and not what they want. Every day that I wake up I just want to die. Therapy isn't helping. It never will. But I tell my parents that it does just so they don't worry. They don't trust me anymore though. With anything. I started throwing up daily because of my bizarre diet. I wouldn't eat for a few days but then I would eat normally again and it got to the point where I just accepted that I was useless to the world. I kept a rope in my drawer. Just in case I wanted to leave. Just in case it got too hard. Just in case I wanted to give up. One day I was taking out the trash. That was literally the one day I went outside. Some new people were moving into the house next to us. That house had been empty for years and when I was younger I hid knives and blades in the house so my parents wouldn't find out about my cutting. I never got them back. I think they're still in the same closet and I hope the new neighbors didnt think it was a murder house of some sort. But who cares? They'll probably think I'm a dark freaky person anyway. Everyone does. Even me. As I put the huge shiny black plastic trash bag info the trash can I noticed a boy who was watching me. I acted as if I didn't see him but I knew he was staring at me. After a full 5 minutes of him watching me take out the trash he finally said,
"Hi."
"Hello," I replied quietly.
"What's your name?," he asked walking over to me. He had black hair and dark brown eyes. He wore khaki shorts,sperrys,and a polo. Rich kid much? He seemed nice but I didn't fully trust him. I didn't trust anybody. Especially my so called friends.
"Spencer," I finally replied. Pushing my long brown hair behind my ear quickly making sure he didn't see my cuts.
"I'm Austin," he replied. I was becoming very shy and uncomfortable with the situation but I knew I had to say something so I wouldn't seem rude.
"Where are you from?," I asked.
"Colorado," he replied,"My mom and dad's company got moved so we moved to North Carolina." I nodded in understanding.
"Where do you go to school?," he asked.
"Uhm, I'm homeschooled," I simply replied.
"Oh cool," he replied. The conversation was going nowhere. He was sweet but I knew I couldn't let him get attached to me. I was toxic. I couldn't let a perfect life like his get ruined because of me. That wasn't fair. I don't deserve love. From anyone. After saying goodbye to Austin I walked into the house. My parents were at work so during the summer it was just me. I walked up to my room, closed the door, and grabbed my phone. Even though I didn't go to public school anymore I still managed to keep social media. As I clicked the home button I had a new ask.fm notification. I opened the app and the caption read: "You're ugly. Go kill yourself." This was it. This is the final push for me to leave. Every day is a battle and it was time to give up now. It's for real this time. This time I was done. I quit. I quit with everything. I walked to my mirror with tears down my face yelling things about myself that I hated. Everything that just became too much for me. I yelled it. Loud. I completely hated myself. For real. I started cutting. Blood was such a familiar sight and scent to me that I didn't care anymore. Blood stained my clothes, my arm, and my life. I knew this was for real. I grabbed a bottle of pills out of the bathroom. Who really cares what kind they were. I quickly started taking as many as I could and I knew eventually when I left that things wouldn't be hard anymore. I cried so hard. Each pill slide down my throat and I remembered small things about myself and small memories. I hear the front door open and a familiar voice saying,"Spencer? We got some of your mail," it was Austin. Austin was going to see me die. "Spencer? Where are.....," he walked into my room seeing the bottle in my hand and all the extra ones that were on the floor. He saw all of the blood run from my fingertips onto the floor.
"OH MY...SPENCER HOW MANY OF THESE DID YOU TAKE?! SPENCER?!" He immediately called 911 and carried me downstairs. There am ambulance arrived at my house. Austin was crying. I just wanted to die. Tears blurred my vision and I knew Austin now knew my secret. I didn't even have a chance to know him and he already knew everything he needs to know about me. I guess that's what happens when you hate yourself. You don't get a normal life.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Hey guys. Sorry this chapter was a little much. Hope you're enjoying.