Nightingale

forty-four

I push my back off of the concrete floor of the bedroom, lightheadedness taking over my sense from intoxication. I squeeze my eyes shut to try and overcome the feeling before standing up but end up falling back down on my ass.

"Mother fucker." I groan as quietly as possible. I just need to hold her for a second. I thought she was dead, I thought I would never get to hold her in my arms again. She wants space though, and space I will give her. For now I will continue my selfish ways one last time just to relish in the feeling of her bdy next to mine.

I stagger my way towards the bedroom door and step out into the hallway. I close my eyes at the intrusion of the dim hallway lighting, complete contrast to the almost pitch black bedroom I was just in. I walk over to stand in front of the guest room door, pausing for a moment to consider the damage my actions are about to cause. She can't hate more than she already does, right? I just can't handle the distance. She's so close yet so far and I've missed her so much. I miss her and she's right behind this door. I slowly push the handle of the door and open it, trying my hardest not to make a single sound. I drunkenly step into the room and close the door behind me, the chill of the cold air flowing through the room making goosebumps rise on the exposed skin of my chest and arms. It's so dark in here that I can barely see anything.

I keep my steps soft and slow as I walk blind into the room until I feel the side of the bed bump my legs. I sit down on the bed for a brief moment, my eyes finally adjusting to the darkness. Parker is laying on her right side facing the wall and window, most likely asleep. I place a hand on her back and feel her body slightly pull back and tense up, but then it suddenly relaxes to my touch. She's still awake. I pull my hand back but continue to sit on the bed.

"I know you want space, and I will give you space but I have one request." I slur a bit as I softly speak my words.

"What's your request?" she whispers after releasing a huff of air.

"Can I lay down with you? I won't sleep in here, that I can promise you. I just thought I would never see you again and would really like to just hold you for a second. It's okay if you don't want me to, I'll leave and you can have as much space as you want."

I wait a few seconds for her response but when I don't receive one I take that as an answer and move to get off the bed. I'm almost completely off the bed but I'm stopped when her hand reaches back to grab my wrist.

"You can stay. Please stay." She whispers again, pain laced within her tone.

"I'll always stay." I whisper back before I climb back onto the bed, tucking my body behind her and wrapping an arm around her naked body, her skin freezing cold. I hold her close but not too close that we are fully touching. The feeling of her this close to me is enough to make me want to cry, god I missed this. I missed having her, all of her.

The distance between us is still present though. You don't know what distance truly is until you've shared a bed with somebody who's falling out of love with you. As her hand laces with mine, resting her head on top of it, maybe she does still have love for me.

"Do you love me?" I pathetically ask, knowing the answer has the potential to hurt more than when she first told me that she loved me, past tense.

"I can't answer that Harry, it hurts."

"Because you mean it or because you don't?"

"I would never say it if I didn't mean it. You know that."

"So did you mean it when you said you loved me, like you didn't love me anymore?"

"I don't know what to say to you except that it tore my heart out of my body, leaving you was the worst pain I've ever felt and I've felt more pain than one person should in a lifetime. The hardest thing I have ever done was walking away still madly in love with you. I always believed we would find our way back to each other each time we left, but this time it felt final. Like I would never see you again, or that when I did, it would be different- there would be a mountain between us. I could just feel it. You were something I had to learn to live without because I thought I would never see you again." She says while flipping around to face me, though the darkness prevents us from being able to see each other's faces I know her face looks sad.