Metalocalypse: Impending Doom

Chapter Five: Charles

"They'll figure it out. And my band will be there, too. They're not the smartest sometimes, but..." Abigail hesitated. "Besides Tobias, he's pretty level-headed. They all mean well, and they know at least how to survive. Plus once they're together is when the prophecy really begins, which is really out of all our hands at that point, including their own for a little while. But only a little."

"I know." Charles frowned lightly as he looked down at his drink, his head pounding but not from the alcohol. "I just..."

"You care about them." It was a statement, a fact, not a question, and Charles nodded his head quietly, knowing he couldn't deny it. "Granted you're not the most lovable person to be around, you've said so yourself, but you still have feelings. You're still human." She patted his shoulder gently, and he hummed softly in response. "Then there's Nathan..."

Charles winced and if he still had a beating heart, it probably would've skipped into his throat. "I told you that in confidence, that doesn't mean you have the right to speak on it every chance you get."

"Sorry, personally I'm just kinda psyched about it." Charles raised an eyebrow and she smiled. "You two look really good together." Then her face turned serious again. "I know you're scared for him."

Charles stood abruptly, the booze sloshing everywhere as he walked to the opposite end of the room, placing his forehead against the wall. The room was silent as he struggled to figure out how he was going to word this. "I... I'm being selfish about this. I'm not just worried about leaving him behind, I'm worried about him moving on. I'm worried about being just a memory to him. A temporary, secret lust between two men. A 'what if' scenario that I've been a part of for too long because I haven't taken this seriously. I want him to admit his total, unrequited love for me even beyond death when I can't even hardly express myself to him currently and seriously."

Looking back at Abigail, Charles studied her stunned expression. "He's only told me he loves me a handful of times, maybe not even, and I've answered back even fewer times. And yet, I expect him to be more open about his feelings and be devoted to my soul when I'm no longer here?" Charles laughed in sudden coldness.

"I feel as though I'm only further constipating both of our feelings in the long-run because my brain doesn't work normally. I can feel emotions, they're just too far away for me to grasp sometimes, then they hit me all at once..." He gripped at his suit around the chest area and shuddered. "I've seen the way Toki looks at him. And I think sometimes Toki feels too much and is too naive for his own good, but I also think that sometimes, that's what Nathan needs. Nathan is at his best, his most vulnerable, his most kindest, when he's with Toki. He allows himself to feel even more than he does with me, and enjoys things. I mean, he seems happy with me too, but there will always be a barrier because I can't encourage those feelings to the best of my ability, I just help him bottle it all up a lot of the time by leading by example."

Charles took a deep breath to steady himself. "This makes me even more selfish, because I want Nathan all to myself, I want things the way they are now even though it's confusing how to express emotions, and I can't stand Toki's clinginess even if it actually helps Nathan realize that expressing emotion is okay. Sometimes Toki encourages Nathan and Nathan even gives me credit for it just because we're dating, and I feel both bad but proud..." He gritted his teeth as he remembered looking back at some of his cameras about a year ago and seeing Toki enter his office before running away from the sight that fell over his eyes.

It didn't even bother him that Toki found out, because he knew the young band member would never mention it (at least not with ill intent), what bothered him was the idea that Toki proceeded to become even more unbearably close to Nathan after seeing the brute and the manager together.