it starts and ends with the jordan's

Chapter 17

3 weeks later

[Josephine's POV]

It's been exactly three weeks since my world was shattered. I had begun a knew habit that was slowly killing me with each burn, pushing away everyone who gave a shit about me. Hero and me haven't spoken since that night I threw him out. I know how bad I hurt him, but right now I can only focus on one kind of pain and that selfishly has to be my own.

All he wanted to do was help me. He wanted to grab my wrists and pull me from the dark hole I was harshly thrown into. Unfortunately this is not something Hero's cuddles and kisses can fix. This is something I fear no one can fix.

Anna has set me up with a therapist but I refuse to talk. This lady sitting here upon me is subtly judging me and I'm not here for it. I'm here so that I can have a baby sitter watch me while everyone films so I won't kill myself. Oh sorry I mean 'injure myself' this jackass of a therapist says the harsh phrase should be avoiding and to thing happy thoughts. Happy thoughts my ass!

The truth is I don't wanna be here anymore. I don't wanna be here being a burden on everyone around me. I don't want this man haunting my dreams and now my conscious thoughts. I want silence peace and quiet which is not something that should be considered so selfish. If I wanna end it why shouldn't I? it's my life truthfully and I get to choose how I spend it and if this is how it ends I should be the one to the side that not everyone else.

"But people care about you Jo" bullshit if people actually gave a fuck they would've let me do it in the first place. They're just keeping me here to make them feel better about themselves!

I'm snapped out of my head when my therapist finally speaks for the first time in an hour.

"How's things been with Hero after the incident?"

"Incident? Oh you mean when I tried to kill myself and he ultimately smashed my one coping source? Oh everything's been perfectly fine considering the fact I haven't spoken to him since." I reply with pure attitude and sarcasm.

"Josephine let me ask you this... Why are you pushing away the one person who's ever loved you?"

"Did you ever think that I don't wanna be loved? I want to be forgotten and I want to be able to just be in peace with myself, I don't care about anyone else. I don't even wanna be here!" I am being a little to harsh on her but she's getting paid a good fucking amount of money that she can take me rude comebacks for the day.

"What could you do to change that mindset?"

"Hmm let me think about this question real quick... Maybe not going into a club washroom by myself and practically getting raped that would've helped a lot. Don't you think?"

"OK Josephine let me say this from one woman to another. I may not have ever experienced what you had to go through and I am so very sorry because no one deserves that... But don't you think this man has taken enough from you don't you just want to live with what you have?"

"I don't have anything anymore what do you not understand about this!?"

"You have lots which you have pushed away and buried. You need to let people in Jo that's the only way one can survive."

I don't want to survive I want to live.

"Exactly I've pushed everything away far out of grasp. It's like I'm stranded on an island and everything I've ever fucking cared about is meters away from adrift in the ocean."

"Swim Jo. If you want them back you gotta use everything in you to swim!"

"Jo, it's time to fight for what you deserve. You deserve every good thing you can get, your friendship with Hero included."

Friendship right... i forgot we haven't told anyone that we're beyond the friendship state.

"How do I even fix what happened between us?"

"Reach out. Swim to him."

"If you use that metaphor one more time I will explode." I chuckle. How did I hate her 6 minutes ago but now she's making me laugh talking about swimming.

"It's the best metaphor I've got. It's like when Dory says in finding Nemo... 'just keep swimming.' I think it really does relate to your situation as corny as it is."

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I don't know what happened in these 13 minutes. One minute I was giggling over her stupid Nemo metaphor and next I am smashing her lamps and sobbing. Everything is a blur. All I remember is me threatening to cut myself if she mentioned Hero one more time. Thinking about Hero hurts me so bad. I miss him. I want him here to hold me and wipe away my tears, but he's not here.

One minute I'm kneeling on the floor sobbing and the next two security guards are carrying me into a car. Where am I going?

30 minutes later

We pull up outside the hospital and I panic. Did I actually hurt myself? I look down frantically at my body but there's nothing new.

I try to speak but nothing comes out. I just want to be aware of what's happening to me but it's silent. This is not what I meant when I said I wanted silence. 

Two doctors come out with a wheel chair. I am helped out of a car and into the chair. Where I am brought into a hospital room.

Finally my mouth cooperates with my head. "What am I doing here?"