Toxic

C7: The Lesbian Test

“I'm sorry.” I said again, not knowing what to say.

She got up and walked over to the opposite wall. She gently pulled a picture from its place on the wall. “Now you know why I freaked so much at the drugstore.”

“You don't have to worry about me.” I said, running a hand through my hair.

She looked back at me. “I care about you, Lydia. Really.” She walked back and handed over the photo. “That's my mom while she was in the hospital.”

The woman in the picture, Ava's mother, looked frail and weak. She smiled but it seemed very forced. Her arms were bony and her cheekbones stuck out on her face. It was sad to see her, or anyone, look like that.

“How long was this...”

“About a month. She stopped eating and couldn't hold down the food the doctor gave her with the feeding tube. By then, she couldn't really do anything.” Ava sat back down beside me, a sad look on her face. “It was kind of a release when she passed away. She didn't have to suffer anymore.”

“Hey.” I reached out and touched her arm. “Would it help if I said I wouldn't smoke around you?”

She shook her head. “You can't do it. I mean, if you got sick...”

“What?” I laughed. “Ava we just met a few hours ago.”

“I know but...”

My eyebrows drew together. “But what?”

She leaned in and kissed me, her lips meeting mine before I could protest But after they did... did I really want to say no? She obviously knew how to kiss girls and there was no exception with me. Her lips were careful with mine, testing to see how far she could go. When I didn't protest and actually kissed her back, a smile curved her lips. She cupped my cheek in her hand and deepened the kiss, her tongue brushing along my lower lip.

I pushed away from her, biting my lip. Surprising to me, I didn't want to pull away from her. I wanted to keep kissing her, as crazy as that sounded. But I couldn't. Not when I had a boyfriend I loved back home.

“What? Did I do something wrong?” She asked, looking at me with a puzzled expression.

“I-No.” She really hadn't. “This is wrong. This whole thing.”

“Lydia, there's nothing wrong with kissing a girl-”

“I don't mean that.” Though it did freak me out. “I have a boyfriend. It wouldn't be fair to cheat on him.”

“Oh.”

I got to my feet and walked over to one of the walls, distracting myself with the pictures.

“Lydia, can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, go ahead.”

“Did you... Would the questions be any different now?”

The thought scared me. Could I be gay? Was there any possible way it were true? I'd always grown up thinking it was wrong. Maybe that's why I never knew, never questioned my sexuality. Now that I was with dad and Larry and Ava was gay, would that change my outlook? Would it change me?

“Maybe.” I said, too afraid to really think about it, to know that maybe some of them would change. That I would be gay.

She got up and walked over to me. “Lydia, you don't have to hide anything. I'm not going to judge you. Just... say what you feel.”

“I don't know what to tell you, Ava.” I said, feeling myself getting worked up. “Maybe I liked the kiss and maybe I didn't think it was weird and maybe... maybe I want to do it again. But I can't. We can't...”

I knew she wanted to say something, anything, but she stayed silent, just watched me pace around her room. She'd probably gone through the same thing when she found out that she liked kissing girls...

I sat down on the floor and stared at my hands, avoiding her eyes. “What if I really am gay? My mom will disown me and she'll never speak to me again.”

“Your mom wouldn't do that to you.”

“You don't know her like I do.” I mumbled. “She wouldn't talk to my dad for months after he came out.”

“Yes, but he left her for another man. I'm sure that would make anyone upset.”

“My mom just... she's not as accepting. I mean, if she sees a gay couple out, she makes a snotty comment to me.”

Ava sat down beside me. “Do you want to please your mom or do you want to be happy?”

It was tempting, really. To just spend all my time with Ava, with someone who made me happy and who was good for me. But I wasn't sure if being gay was the right thing for me. I had a great boyfriend back home and my mom sort of loved me. Maybe if I turned my life around a little, I wouldn't have to be gay and everything would sort itself out.

But would that make me happy?

“Do you have a phone I could borrow?”