The Thoughts of the Lost Mindreaders: Rambling Criminal Minds One Shots

Missing Them Pt. 2

It's long after when I should reasonably be asleep, but I guess I have the excuse of not having a case tomorrow. It's Friday night, well Saturday morning I suppose, and I have done very little since leaving the office.

This is the third day in a row that this migraine has been wreaking havoc around my skull. I'm sure if my brain were comparable to a house, (the least likely part of that being that my brain could be considered habitable by any stretch of the imagination) any decorations would be thrown and smashed onto the ground and any furniture would be upside down with stuffing peeking out through long gashes. I'm sure you can tell that I haven't been doing much other than thinking about how much this hurts.

From the second I closed and locked the door of my apartment, I placed my messenger bag beside the couch, kicked off my shoes, and got into bed. My eyes burned from the simple existence of sunlight, and even after closing them with a relieved sigh at how the pain eased even a little, I didn't sleep.

I haven't slept in a while, actually. Not sure how you could with both a migraine and the knowledge that your best friend was unrelentingly stabbed to death. I can tell that my general health is deteriorating, but I'm just... tired, far too tired to fix any of it.

With this, I noticed I've been losing track of my face and body. My eye bags are growing darker and deeper while my ribs are more visible than I can ever remember them being. My diet wasn't exactly great before, but most days I simply don't find it important enough to consume anything more than enough sugary coffee to give my brain its only buzz and some miscellaneous snack from the vending machine. There are a lot of times too where the migraines are enough to make my stomach turn at even the thought of coffee. No sustenance is a guarantee, and I could really care less about that. Emily used to care about that.

I wonder if the team has noticed my behavior. I've told Morgan, and I'm sure Hotch has his suspicions, but the others... I don't know about the other three. God, there's only six of us.

Five of us are trying to keep our minds together and move on and remember Emily and JJ all at once. It doesn't work quite right with any method.

The sixth is sympathetic but entirely naive. Seaver doesn't know what it's like to lose a teammate you've worked more than about ten cases together on, and I hope she never has to learn.

It's one hell of a thing to wish for, and I'm sure it won't be granted. You can't stay together forever, but I sometimes wonder if it's childish for wanting us to.

I've been coming to realize how childish I am. I wish for things I know won't happen, and when the world pummels me like it has a tendency to do, my skin never toughens; I crumble under its weight the same way I did when I first got beaten down.

I've been struck with equal portions of luck and misfortune at every point in my life, and I've never gotten used to it. On one hand, I was gifted with the first and closest friends I'll ever have, but on the other, I've endured so much trauma by their side that I don't know how I could ever not need them.

I've never fallen for someone, but now I've fallen for every person that's joined the team and probably everyone that will. The fall was more like a dive from the atmosphere, and having them leave hurts more than I could ever convey to you and more than I could even comprehend.

Thinking about Hotch or Garcia or Morgan or Rossi, maybe even Seaver leaving me behind makes my head hurt more than it already does.

I know that I am childish and weak and so many other things, but I don't want friends to leave me behind. My worst fears keep coming true over and over again. How do you make it stop? I just... I want people I love to stop leaving.