Everything You Never Had

Make-believe

You're standing on the balcony of the hotel you and Noah are staying at. The first week in Thailand has passed, and you've already seen wondrous sights. With camera in hand, you and your assistent have ventured across the country, discovering gorgeous landscapes and beautiful scenery. Next week you'll already be in Indonesia, and next month the journey is set to New Zealand.

You're trying to savor the time that you have on your own, like now, pondering about all sorts of things. Thinking about Cate, mainly, for she has a hard time leaving your mind. The heartache, still so recent, and still so heavily felt.

As gentle droplets begin to fall from the sky, you tip your head back. You feel the drip of rain on your cheeks, and you're remembered of the night of the exhibition, the downpour that caught you breathless when you reached the street. You feel so different from the Y/N who stood there on the streets, or perhaps you're not that far at all. But what you would give to go back. God, what you would give for just another day, with her.

The rain intensifies, but you have no intention to move. So you stay put, letting the rainfall soak you through, the way it did when you were caught up in passion.

The sun is gone now, the light going thin, and you will never see her again, and the fear crashes into you, sudden and traitorous.

When you head back inside, you end the night with a glass of wine, before making your way to bed. In those moments of stillness, before sleep falls over you, your thoughts about her are most powerful.

You don't want to let go. You're trying not to let go. You lie in bed, and close your eyes, and try to conjure her face. The exact curve of her mouth, the specific shade of her hair, the way the bedside lamp lit against her left cheekbone, her temple, her chin. The sound of her laughter late at night, her voice when she was at the edge of sleep. Knowing these details aren't as important to anyone else, but you still can't bear to lose them yet.

You twist and fumble the silver piece of jewelry that's been wrapped around your finger all this time, until you fall asleep.
__________

The weeks pass by in a blur, and in between moments of exploration and photography, there are moments of grief, and sorrow. All caused by your mind, storing up memories that can never be forgotten. Moments of bliss, and love, and the thought that it's over, and you will be forever apart.

Although those memories cause you pain, you're not ready for them to be forgotten. And sometimes, in your darkest moments, a feeling of regret comes to the surface. What if you had stayed. What if you weren't halfway across the world from her. What if... But those moments are seldom, for you know all too well, your relationship has never been right. It did feel so, immensely, but it was just a celestial illusion.

During the time you spend with Noah, you stay silent about it, unable to speak out the war that's inside your mind, day in, day out. And then one day, he does start about it, wondering how you've been able to keep this calm and collected since you've left home.

"How do you bear it?" He asks cautiously.

You look at him in disbelief, and your guard comes crashing down. "I don't, Noah! Obviously, I don't. I drag myself out of nightmares each morning and find there's no relief in waking." You look at your fidgity hands. "The more I can distract myself, the better." You swallow hard and open your lips to say something else and - that's when you start crying.

It's impossible for you to keep this up. Pretending you haven't just lost the person you've loved the most. And it's under the weight of this realisation that you truly begin to break. You reach out for Noah and he's there, holding you and patting your back.