Numb L.S.

chapter 4

//Louis POV time skip to the hospital//

I can't believe this is all my fault! I pushed him this far! He could be dead and it would be all my fault!

We arrived at the hospital 2 hours ago. None of the doctors have spoken to us on Harry's condition. This is all my fault.

"Styles? Is there anyone here for Styles?" The boys and I look up immediately. I am the first to jump up and say "Where is he? Is he okay? What is going on?" The doctor smiles.

"He will be just fine, Mr. Tomlinson, relax. Mr. Styles will be kept over night, just to be sure that he has all of the drugs out of his system, and that he will be okay. We have stitched the cuts up on his arms, but we do reccomend that you get him a councilor or send him to a group home. For Mr. Styles to get better, You must get him to talk to one of you. Someone he will trust. Apart from all of that, he will need to take these pills two times a day for one week, just to ensure that he is healing properly"

We all nod, and she hands us the pills. "Also, these are anti-depressants, and he should take these once a day, until they run out, then you should refill it until he starts to feel better. Any questions?" The doctor says. "Nope. Thank you so much!" Liam says.

"Alright. Well, you should be able to see him when he wakes up, which should be soon. I'll let you know." She says and then she walks off. We all go back to our previous postions of sitting down. I put my elbows on my knees and hands on my eyes and just think.

This really is all my fault. I did this to him. I made him want to kill himself. I shouldn't have done that. I can't do this anymore. This would be better without me. Harry would be happy if I left. The boys all hate me, they probably know I pushed him into this.

I Didnt even realize I was crying.

I can't do this anymore.

Aparently I said that out loud because Zayn says "Can't do what anymore, Louis?" He looks concerned. "Oh, nothing. I need to go, I'm sorry" I say as I run out the door to the bus. I walk inside and go to the bunkers and look for a sharp object. I can't find one. Wait! there is one still in the bathroom from when Harry tried to...I think as I run to the bathroom. I shut and lock the door, And then I look down. It's perfectly clean, no trace of Harry's blood anywhere. Someone must've cleaned up. Probably Paul.

Shit, it's gone! Go look in the trash you dumbarse. Wow. I'm starting to talk to myself in my mind. That cannot be normal. I look in the trash can and see the blade that Harry used, and i wash it off. I've never cut myself before...I don't know if it will work.

It does. I drag the blade across my wrist, and hiss in pain. But the pain feels good. I feel like weight was lifted off my shoulders. I slit my wrists six more times. I know what i'm doing. I know the risks i'm taking. Fans could find out, the lads, anyone. But I don't care. Maybe if i hurt myself, I can feel the pain that Harry was in. I deserve this. It is my fault after all. The blood is dripping down onto the floor.

I slit my wrist three more times, a total of 10 cuts on my left arm, before I hear someone calling my name. It's Zayn. "Louis? You okay mate? You've been in here for half and hour, and Harry is awake" He says when he knocks on the door. "Yeah, I'll be out in a minute!" I say, voice shaky. I clean up my arms and the floor.

I hear foot steps leaving, and a door shut. I unlock the door and walk into the bunker room, grabbing a hoodie, that just so happeneds to be Harry's. It smells like him. I walk outside and go into the hospital to see Zayn standing there waiting for me, and without a word he starts walking to Harry's room.

We walk in and my breath hitches at the sight. Harry is as pale as a ghost and he looks dead and weak. He looks my way with his eyes that were once a beautiful green, but are now lifeless. "Hey Louis" He whispers. "Boys can I talk to Louis alone please?" Harry asks, the boys nod and walk out. Tears start to stream down my face before I can stop them. "How can you even be talking to me right now? I did this to you! I made you feel like this! This is my fault Harry! It's my fault you tried to kill yourself!" I say, knees giving out and i start sobbing on the floor.

"Louis, it isn't your fault. Please come here" He says, and I get up and walk over to him. "Show my your arm" What? NO! "Why?" I show him my right arm, hoping he doesn't figure it out. "Louis. Your left arm. I see the blood" No no no no! "It's nothing, I just scratched it when I was coming up here" I say, not looking him in the eyes. "Then let me see!" He says. "No" I say but he isn't having it. He grabs my arm and lifts my sleeve up. I hear his breath hitch. I hurry and yank my sleeve down and jump up.

"Louis...Why? Why did you do that...After what I did?" He says after a moment of silence. "Because I fucking deserve it! I did this to you Harry! I made you want to kill yourself! I need to feel the pain your in. This is my punishment for hurting you Harry" I whisper the last sentence. "Louis, you can't do this anymore. Never again. Please. For me" He whispers. "I can't promise you that. God, I'm such an idiot!" I say frustrated. after five minutes of sitting in silence, I say "Harry...Do you hate me?" His eyes widen and he replies "No! Louis, I could never hate you! No matter what" he says "Your the one who hates me..." He mumbles out.

"God, Harry! I don't hate you! I fucking love you! I love you alright! Not how your thinking, like brotherly love, I really love you Harry. I'm in love with you. And i know by hurting you was a pretty shitty way of showing it, but I didn't know what else to do! And I know that you hate me, and want nothing to do with me and you don't love me or care, so its okay. I'll just leave" I walk out but i hear Harry calling my name but I don't listen. I walk past the boys, face emotionless. I just want today to be over, I think as i walk into the bus. I go into the bunker room and lay down in Harry's bed.

His pillow smells like him. My eyes begin to feel heavy, and before i know it,

I'm asleep