the art of saying goodbye

after effect

Emily was more reserved now. She suffered in silence, hardly able to communicate her pain. Talking about it almost never made her feel better, but she, Morgan, and Hotch had grown closer. They felt comfortable opening up to each other: they were supposed to be the strongest on the team, so knowing they had someone to turn to, especially someone with the same problem, made them feel more stable. Emily continued to stay quiet otherwise. She didn't have furious outbursts like JJ. She had only had one, immediately after Spencer's death.
She had yelled at Spencer's mother, Diana Reid. 

"What do you mean, you don't believe me?" 

Diana had seemed annoyed. "Spencer isn't dead. I know it."

Although Emily was astounded, she attempted to continue calmly. "Mrs Reid. I know it's hard to come to terms with. But his funeral is this weekend. We are offering you free transportation there and back, it would be greatly appreciated if you attended--"

"Why would I go to the funeral for someone who's alive?"

"You wouldn't." Emily said slowly. The woman's son was dead, she had to be sympathetic. And it was Spencer's funeral they were talking about, why wouldn't she, of all people, go? She took a deep breath. "Mrs Reid, I don't know how to be more clear with you--"

"You couldn't convince me." Diana was becoming more irritated. 

"And why not?"

"Because you died, didn't you? You're still here? Or is it just a hallucination, because I have just so many of those, I can never tell if someone is real or not." She had responded sarcastically. "I would know if my son was dead. A mother knows."

"Yeah? Then where would he be?"

"Oh, I don't know. Is it possible that he, as Spencer told me that Agent Morgan says, 'pulled an Emily?'"

Emily clenched her jaw. She was trying to control herself desperately. "Spencer did not 'pull an Emily'. He was in his apartment with a bomb. The bomb went off before we could get him out. I can show you the pictures, hand you dust and ash from the leftovers of the building, take you to the building and show you myself. Spencer is gone."

"And did you recover a body?"

"The explosion was too strong. There wasn't anything to recover." Emily could see where this was going.

"Mhm. And you can prove he was in the building?" 

Emily was furious now. Spencer had been dead too long for his mother to still be resisting like this. She was tired, stressed, vengeful, and depressed. Something inside of her broke, and she let her fury be released. "MRS REID. THIS IS NOT AN EPISODE OF STRANGER THINGS. YOUR SON IS NOT STUCK IN SOME PARALLEL WORLD, OR BEING HELD IN SOME LAB BY MONSTERS AND DOCTORS. HE IS DEAD AND HE IS NOT COMING BACK. He's not coming back..." She let herself sob in front of Diana. How could she be hurt more than a dead man's mother? And the Stranger Things reference may have completely confused Diana, but Emily had it stuck in her head. That was the show that she and Spencer had stayed up all night binge watching a couple days before he died. She had tried so hard not to get attached to the team when she first joined... look where that had gotten her.

Morgan wasn't even trying to stay his cool, play boy self; something had changed in him when Spencer died. Spencer hadn't been just some random kid he teased and messed with. And he had been a brother. But Morgan seemed to have lost part of himself, too. Often, Morgan would simply go into a trance, and be unresponsive for at least minutes. Other times, he'd have flashbacks, PTSD from when he lost Spencer, and he'd begin to hyperventilate. He ended up getting prescribed an inhaler for when he couldn't catch his breath. He thought it didn't feel like much of a solution. Why did it have to be Spencer? Morgan would have killed for the chance to take his place. Even if they never saw each other again either way, Spencer would be there for the team. They would all be more like themselves. He himself wasn't as big of a loss as their boy genius. Even though it hurt him that he (thought he) was less valuable, he could understand why. If he were anyone else, he would always regret Spencer Reid's death more than Derek Morgan's.

Penelope just didn't know how to deal with grief. She watched all her friends try to find ways to help themselves cope. She herself had stopped them from the most unhealthy. She had kept Rossi from alcoholism, convinced Emily not to try drugs, stopped Morgan from smoking, Hotch from locking himself up and starving, and JJ from ending her happy marriage (a completely irrational decision that sounded right to a furious and drunken JJ). Not once had they had to keep Penelope from making any terrible decisions-- or a decision that she could agree was horrible. They had, of course, tried to convince her not to leave the BAU. They were unsuccessful. Garcia knew it was wrong, but she missed the distraction that her work had provided. Was it better that she had completely given up, rather than become completely reckless, like JJ? Or become like Hotch and tried to ignore everything by offering her full attention to work? Or just gone completely solemn and silent, like Emily? Penelope wanted to be happy again so badly, but was that even possible, when she could never get over the grief because she didn't know any method to move on? 

But none of that mattered anymore. She had recently been asked back to work, and, having nothing else, decided to take it. The team was currently working a case personal to them. Hotch was being targeted, and they were sure the unsub would reach out to them soon. Now it was just a waiting game. There was no way to know if yet another team member would be taken from them. 

Penelope stood up. She waved goodbye to Spencer's resting place and headed back to her car so she could return to the BAU. Her lunch break was almost over.