Jewels of the Crown

♛ 7 ♛

I hear and see in the mirror, Cindy entering the room behind me, causing me to stop my evaluation of my body, and I feel grateful that I no longer have to wallow in it. This is the first time that I looked in the mirror and regretted the way I look: it's not because I wish to look different, not liking the way I look now, it's due to the big differences between me and some of the women in the kingdom, and how it makes me feel guilty... yet again. I roll my eyes at myself. Why all of a sudden am I allowing the guilt to swallow me up, and focusing on it so much? I'm annoyed at myself. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to have to feel guilty. I shouldn't be put in a position where I feel guilty for living my life normally, as others aren't. It shouldn't be like that. I should feel glad that the people of my kingdom are living happily and healthily, but they're not.

"Ma'am," Cindy greets. "How was your trip into the kingdom?" she asks.

"Alright," I respond, distracted by the thoughts running through my head. Days like this, I wish I didn't have such a powerful position. I know that there are things that I can do, and worries that don't weigh upon other people, I have to think about and weigh upon me heavier than they could for anyone else. Over the past days I have thought of the same things over and over, but haven't done anything about it because I don't know how. I feel bad that I haven't acted. I complain on the unfairness of it all, but when it comes down to it, I don't do anything. I know the things I have to do to put forward the idea, but I don't know what the idea that will change the living conditions of the kingdom is. Even if I am able to think of the idea, I will then have to put it to the advisors, and that's going to be almost impossible. None of them, apart from Robert, will think along the same lines as me, feeling the guilt and unfairness of it. The idea would probably mean that the advisors, noblemen, and even I would lose some of their novelties and luxuries that we have now. It goes back to the problem of putting family second. I would happily give up some things if it means that my people are living comfortable healthy lives. I know for a fact that they are too stubborn to agree to giving up those things, and don't care for the kingdom as I do. All they care about will be how it affects them. They're also meant to be part of the team telling the monarchy of the problems in the kingdom, and if I tell them that I think that they haven't been truthful with us, or even halting efforts to help the kingdom for their own gain, then it will cause more trouble than good.

I almost regret leaving the castle and the buffered protection of the harsh truths. I saw and heard the horrors of the kingdom at the audiences, but never fully experienced it and understood the extent. Ignorance is bliss, but I hope from learning about the problems more, and not just thinking about them in audiences, that when I do become queen I can change things, making it better for the people I am ruling. I'm not saying my mother and father have done a bad job - they just haven't fully understood the problems, and maybe not even thought that these things needed changing. Or it may even be that they have tried and failed in the past. Money and tax information come from the advisors, and usually the taxes go toward the royal family and the people of high status. Maybe that's where the problem is.

I start to feel sick, and I know that I'm not going to be able to stop thinking about it until I actually do something about it. Maybe once I know that something is being done, I won't be so obsessed with the divide, and the image of the kingdom in daylight will become less shocking. I wish I could flick a switch and it all disappear. I was always told growing up that I was too sensitive, wearing my heart on my sleeve, to become queen as can be seen by me getting upset over the unfairness of it with only a couple of trips and people making me feel this way. Most of the people were happy, but I have always focused on the worst of situations, and looked too deeply into things. I was conditioned to let my head rule my body and decisions, not my heart, and even though we have to show consideration, sympathy and sentiment sometimes, there is a line you can't step over. Over the last couple of days I've jumped over the line, allowing my emotions to rule me, and along with the ignorance, I want to step back over the line and rebuild the wall that was once there, but I doubt that is going to happen. I've let it fester in my mind for too long. I'm usually able to be direct, and know what I want, acting on it, but with the news of my mother leaving me, and the upcoming responsibilities, it's all to much, and I'm starting to doubt myself. Can I really do this?