Altered

Thirty: Understanding

Charlotte nodded, wondering if there was anything she could do to help. James glanced back at her with wary green eyes. He was looking for something. She could feel a flush creeping up her neck. She wondered briefly how much he had heard of her conversation with Harris. She could feel her cheeks burning. "Do you want some water?" she asked but he shook his head, watching her carefully. "James, I didn't... It wasn't me... well, it was, but it wasn't. The burning... I didn't," she breathed, her thoughts and words incoherent.

"The burning?" he whispered, closing his eyes uncomfortably. "I attacked you," he said, after a few moments, his voice an angry growl. Charlotte sat still, unsure of what to say. "I ripped the room apart, didn't I?" he looked at Charlotte, his eyes searching. Charlotte opened her mouth, but couldn't think of what to say. She shut it abruptly and she knew her silence spoke louder than words. "I'm sorry," he finally whispered, when he realised she wasn't going to answer him.

"It wasn't your fault... you were just defending yourself," Charlotte replied, not meeting his gaze. "In any case, you were only there because of me. If I had just left Jun Lin to her own fate," she breathed.

"That's not you," James interrupted, his eyes closed to the bright light. He was resting his head back on the pillow. "I admire your fight... though it frustrates me. I have hoped for so long that you would change, but you wouldn't be you if you changed". He didn't look up as he said the words. "If we just go along with Elmhirst we're lost. It will never get better if... but what else can we do?"

"What can I do to make this place better for all my fellow students?" Charlotte whispered aloud. James looked at her curiously, his eyes narrowed. "He asked me that yesterday before... I remember, barely. He wanted me to think about my actions and how they make everything worse for everybody around me... but I just can't see how complying with this place will make it better? No matter what I seem to do, he won't trust me. And I don't think deep down I really want him to..." she trailed off. She glanced at James warily. He was looking at her with intense green eyes. "I don't want him to control me. They can't control us, despite what he thinks".

"I know they can't," he laughed painfully, his green eyes sparkling ever so slightly. "As much as they may try. You just need them to think they control you". Charlotte looked at him doubtfully. "You don't honestly still believe I like Elmhirst? Charlotte, this is a game. How many times do I have to tell you that?"

Charlotte frowned. "I thought... you... but, you hate me," she whispered before she could stop herself. "I mean..." she stumbled as he watched her blankly. "I just... you... well, it's not that hard to see why. I don't follow the rules or play the game... and then you were so adamant I shouldn't be Head of House, which I agree with... I'm not exactly a great role model... but then you are always giving out and complaining and fighting with me. I mean I know it's not just you... I start it sometimes... on purpose..." Her head was spinning. The words came falling from her mouth unbidden and uncensored. They were unexpected. She could feel the crimson growing in her cheeks again. This is worse than the vomit, she groaned inwardly.

To her surprise James began to laugh. "You frustrate me - I don't hate you. I never hated you. I was just trying to..." he trailed off frowning.

"Trying to what?" Charlotte asked.

"Nothing... it doesn't matter," he shrugged. He inspected her for a few moments, his green eyes thoughtful. Charlotte knew her wounds were healed, but under his scrutinising gaze she feared he could still see them.

"Can I ask you something?" she finally whispered, pursing her lips.

"Maybe," he sighed, resting his head back against the pillow and closing his eyes.