How to Date a Nerd

Chapter 30 - How to Get Dumped the Second Time Around

The choking feeling was back again and I felt my arms tremble. I blinked several times before I’d managed to move to lift her chin with my fingers. “I don’t want to hurt you, Sarah. Not anymore. If you tell me to stay, I will but—“

She shook her head, tears streaming down her face. “N-no. I don’t want to pin you here. You’ve always been there for me for reasons I can’t even remember and… and it’s not fair because I rely on you too much without you asking for something in return.”

“I do want something in return,” I said to her, brushing the tears from her eyes. “I want to be with you.”

Silently, she sobbed and placed my hand on her cheek. “Me too. But things are so much complicated right now and I’m afraid I’ll always hurt you… And I don’t want to do that, Leon. You’re my best friend.”

Best friend.

It was just two words but those words cut through me sadistically. Best friend. That was all I’d been to her. It felt like I just crashed into a brick wall.

Vacantly, I nodded, fixing my eyes ahead. “Is it Matt? It’s about the party, isn’t it? Sarah, it wasn’t my idea to show those videos! Chuck and Reed didn’t even let me in on the plan.”

“I know that…” she replied, putting my hand back on the steering wheel. “But Matt’s… alone now. And he… h-he needs a friend.”

She seemed unsure, almost nervous as if she was hiding something. I had a gut-feeling that it wasn’t just about Matt. Or maybe I was still in denial. I couldn’t have lost Sarah to Matt that easily, could I?

“So you’re making yourself available to him?” Anger was evident in my voice.

Sarah had always thought of others before herself but this didn’t make sense to me. Why Matt so suddenly? Had she forgotten everything he did to her? Did something happen between them while I was away? I didn’t even know if I wanted an answer to that.

“Do you honestly want me to leave? Why’re you doing this to me, Sarah?”

“B-because, Leon,” she suddenly sounded decided as she met my eyes and held my gaze. “It’s what’s good for you. Please d-don’t make this harder for me than it already is. I want you to move on. There’s so much for you to do. And… and it would make me happy if you can make music again, just like before. And maybe, when… if I hear your song again, I’ll feel like I’ve done something right in my life.”

Suddenly it was like the world made a rewind two years back. She might not remember it but she was pushing me away for the same reasons. Only this time, her voice didn’t sound hollow.

“Sarah… don’t—“

A little smile painted across Sarah’s face, her eyes trailing somewhere far away, full of thoughts that I knew I won’t hear anymore. She wasn’t crying now, a peaceful sad smile playing on her lips. It scared me how sure she’d been. Like she’d thought about this for a long time. That there was nothing I could do to change her mind.

“But… I hope I can see you again… someday.” Her words felt heavy as though there was some hidden meaning in it that I should be trying to understand.

I didn’t say anything after that. I just held her hand and leaned back on the head rest, closing my eyes before she could see me cry. I didn’t think much about what she said anymore. All that was mattered was that very moment when I could still hold her hand.

Before I drifted into a dreamless sleep, I felt her head fall on my shoulder. And I kept still as I could, remembering how her head fit in the hollow of my neck, her fingers intertwined with mine, her peaceful angelic face. Her rhythmic breathing was like music to my ears and I hummed to her the tune I made up in my head. Right then, I knew, I’d never feel this much for anybody else ever again.