Broken, a Destiel Story

Part 18

"Dean, I'm not . . . I'm not hiding it," Cas said. "I'm trying to handle it on my own."

"Well, stop!" Dean shouted. "Stop trying to handle it on your own, Cas. Let me help you!"

"Dean, you do help me," Cas said softly, in a way that made Dean's anger dissipate. "You help me every single day. You show me I'm loved, and you remind me that I'm strong and that I'm safe. I know that I'm not alone because of you. You, and Jack, and Sam, you all help me. But this, this also helps me. It's therapeutic. And, yes, I do it more when I'm dealing with particularly bad anxiety but I also do it to keep the anxiety at bay. And because it makes me happy."

Dean sighed. He stepped close to the angel once more. "I'm sorry," he said, putting his hands on Castiel's arms again. "I don't want you to quit doing this, Cas, I really don't. They're beautiful and I love that it makes you happy. And I'm glad that you've found something that helps you. I am. Just promise me that you'll let me know what's going on with you, okay? I don't want to go months at a time without knowing  that you're struggling." He rubbed his hands up and down the angel's arms, looking into his eyes.

Cas nodded. "I promise," he said. His closed his eyes as the hunter placed a kiss on his forehead.

"Do you ever have days without nightmares or anxiety?" Dean asked.

"Sometimes," Cas assured him. "It comes in stretches. I'll have a few rough days in a row and then a few days that are better, and back and forth. But, Dean you are there for all of it. You are there for me, and I know that. And I don't know that this is something that will every be completely gone. Or fixed. I think I'm just going to have to lean on my family and find things that make me happy and help me cope. Like you," he said, smiling and reaching his arms around the hunter's waist.

Dean smiled, too. "You do look pretty cute in that smock," he said, eyeing the angel. His trench coat and suit jacket were off, which was rare for the angel and the sleeves of his white dress shirt were rolled up to his elbows.

Cas smiled. "I could wear it for you later," he said, biting his lower lip in the way that drove Dean crazy.

"As long as it's all you're wearing," Dean said with a smile. He grabbed Cas by the straps of his smock and kissed the handsome angel softly, gently.  He felt Castiel's full, rough lips against his own, his hands pressing into his back, pushing them together. "Mmm, you can't do this to me now," he said in between kisses.  He kept meaning to pull away but he couldn't, so eventually Cas had to.

"Dean," Cas said, loosening his grip on the hunter, "you should go."

"I can't leave you now," Dean said, sliding his hands into Castiel's back pockets. The angel jerked slightly at the touch, but smiled.

"Dean," Cas said, grinning. "Sam and Jack are waiting. And I don't think you wanting to feel up my ass is going to be a good enough excuse to satisfy Sam when he asks why it took you so long." He kissed the hunter one more time. "Now go," he said, and backed away, smiling.

"Ooh, I love it when you get bossy," Dean said. He winked at his boyfriend and left the room.

**********

A few nights later Dean was lying in bed when he felt an arm reach around his waist and then Castiel's breath on his shoulder. The angel pressed close to him. "Hey," Dean said, not turning around, his eyes still closed. "I thought you were going to try staying up to avoid having nightmares."

Castiel sighed. "It didn't work," he said. "So I figured I might as well be in here with you." He nuzzled Dean's shoulder with his nose. The hunter rolled over to face him.