Beyond Repair (Min Yoongi)

51. To Save A Life

At first, Seokjin's mind went blank—but with his next heartbeat, it swiftly came back to life, reeling with terrifying worst-case scenarios. He didn't know how to respond. All he could manage was a weak, "...What?"

"I almost—"

"No, I heard what you said," Seokjin interrupted Hoseok. He closed his burning eyes. "I'm just...I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this." He swallowed hard, blinking his eyes open again to look at Hoseok, who was avoiding eye contact, much to Jin's dismay. "You...you almost murdered Yoongi's kidnapper?"

"If it wasn't for Taehyung, I would have done it," Hoseok confessed in a whisper, gripping Taehyung's hand a little tighter. "I had a plan and a weapon and everything. If it weren't for him, I'd probably be behind bars right now."

"Y-you had a weapon?" Jin asked. He didn't know when he had started crying again, but his tears were flowing freely, now, dripping onto his shirt. In an effort to regain his composure, to appear more as the strong partner he knew his dongsaengs needed, he scrubbed his face clean with his wrist. His eyes seemed to have other plans, however, replacing the tears within seconds. "What...what was it? What was your plan? When did this happen?"

Hoseok shrugged, fiddling with the hem of his shorts with the hand that wasn't crushing Taehyung's poor fingers. "It was after Yoongi went into septic shock. It was my turn to keep watch and his parents brought me inside his room—they wanted me to pray with them—and while we were praying, I...decided, I guess?...that the only way to keep everyone safe was to, uh, avenge Yoongi. Even though he wasn't dead, y'know, I thought...I thought he was going to...so I bought a pair of scissors from the gift shop," he said with a small sniffle, and only then did Seokjin realise Hoseok was crying, too.

Every instinct Jin had was telling him to pull Hoseok into his arms and hug him until the younger man either felt better or had no tears left to cry. He refrained, though, because there was a smaller but somehow more powerful voice in the back of his mind that told him that tactile comfort wasn't what Hoseok needed at that moment.

"I found the room in the prison ward," Hoseok continued, "and I was about to do it, but then...I mean, like I said, Taehyungie talked me out of it."

Seokjin didn't miss the way Taehyung looked at Hoseok, as if he were afraid Hoseok was going to snap in two any second, and it broke Jin's heart. Taehyung started to reach out with his free hand and it looked like he was ready to crawl into Hoseok's lap for an impromptu cuddle—as he'd done for Seokjin only moments earlier—but it seemed like Taehyung decided against it at the last moment and he drew his hand back into his lap.

Seokjin found himself mirroring the gesture, planting his palms resolutely on his knees to keep himself contained so he wouldn't do something inappropriate, like pulling Hoseok into his arms and never letting go.

"What, uh...what was it, exactly, that let you to that course of action?" Seokjin asked carefully, not wanting to make Hoseok feel any worse but also needing to know that he didn't intend to try something that extreme again.

These were uncharted waters for everyone, and Seokjin feared just how deep Hoseok had swum. Seokjin, Taehyung, and the others could only do so much to keep Hoseok afloat when they were sinking, too.

"I was, um," Hoseok cleared his throat, "I was really angry with God." The answer almost sounded like a question. Seokjin couldn't blame him. As far as he'd known, Hoseok had always been agnostic, not certain of what higher powers may be or which religion had gotten it right. Hoseok swallowed hard, the apple of his throat bobbing slightly as he did so, causing the tears that were dripping down his neck to sparkle in the soft light of the nearest lamp. "I mean, I still am, but not as much anymore."