Tyler Petrit Isn't Here | ✓

08

And I was trapped again.

Pretend interest, pretend love, pretend safety.

"Just let it happen. It's okay." She would start a new game, exploring the most vulnerable parts of me and sinking her teeth in. Sucking all the blood out. I knew I didn't like the feeling of her hands, which were so icy cold against my skin.

Sharp, like pubic hair.

Like the sudden switch when I didn't obey her.

"Stop fighting me, you little fucker."

Sharp, like a broken wrist.

Like a high-pitched scream that rattled the stars.

I burrow the knife deeper into my flesh.

Just let it happen.

A thin trail of blood trickles down my arms, pools into the crook of my elbow.

It's okay.

Before I lost my innocence and Dad lost his happiness, I told him I wanted to be just like him when I grew up. He had an alright job, people who loved and respected him, and a smile on his face.

Now I poke holes in my skin and make myself bleed like he does.

I guess I got my wish.

Stop fighting me.

I call Alaska and Gio so that we can hang out. It's five in the morning.

7/11 is where all my comfort foods are. Warm baked goods and cold Slurpees. It gives me the same vibes as the cupboard. There's just so much shit and it's all in arm's reach.

I don't have a craving, but an ache, for something cold.

"You good?" Alaska asks me. "You look like you haven't slept."

"Or like you've eaten," Gio snaps. "You look like shit."

"M'fine," I mutter as convincingly as I can. "I just didn't sleep, is all." My head hurts and my body is melting. I don't think my bones are spaced out like they're supposed to be. I can practically feel them scraping against each other. (If I cut hard and deep enough, maybe I can dig the fat out).

"Don't blow it towards the smoke alarm!"

"Huh?"

Gio smacks the cigarette from my hand. "You'll get caught. Dumbass."

"This isn't school. Guy at the counter doesn't care. You just burned the floor." I nod at the singed tile.

He scuffs it with his shoe. "There."

All it takes is the quick jolt of his leg. The tile blurs and I start seeing double. I stumble to the exit, swinging my head up, only to be bombarded with a sea of black spots. I crumble to the concrete. I was pushing my luck, thinking I wouldn't pass out.

I roll on my back, groaning. Gio leans over me. "Man, get up. I don't have any money and I just chugged a whole Big Gulp."

I don't register anything he said, but he pulls me into the store and has me pay for his shit, and I do it because I don't have the energy to say otherwise. Being back inside makes me realize I need to get some caffeine for the house. (That's just an excuse so my fat ass can buy junk).

The Red Bulls are at the back of the store, so I'm overlooking everything on the shelves. My heartbeat pounds in my ears. The euphoric high of food is different than that of a dizzy high.