It had always been there, at the back of my mind or in the twisted knots of my guts or at the tips of my toes, that feeling that I couldn't describe or name or understand. It's very subtle that at most times, I'd barely notice it, but it was always there. This feeling for Bodj. I initially labeled it as fondness, but I knew at some point it wasn't it. Then I saw his eyes, truly saw them for the first time, and I was suddenly unsure what those eyes would see in mine. So I finally resolved to determine the true nature of this feeling and set an 'appointment' with Bodj that New Year's Eve. And through our conversations I was finally able to tease it out into the open. I love Bodj, and now I confess I'm in love with him. But unlike the kind of love I had for Josh during our freshman year, which felt fluffy, fun, saccharine and tender, this was something different. It felt mature, logical, deep, and yet painful. I wanted to keep him, but I knew I had to let him go.
I was at Figaro at Robinsons Place studying as usual with my groupmates sometime in mid-January when I got a notification from my email from Sir AL. Sa subject pa lang ng email, which read 'paper accepted,' napatayo na ako, which startled the others. When I finally read the content, I let out a shout and jumped for joy.
"Uy, anong balita?" tanong ni Aggie. "Anong meron?"
"Tanggap na ang paper namin for publication sa Halteres Journal!" sigaw ko. "Finally, may contribution na rin ako sa studies on Philippine biodiversity!" Pinalakpakan naman ako ng mga kaibigan ko, and I could see that Renz was also beaming with pride. I instinctively reached for my phone and sent a message to Bodj, Josh, and Dexter to tell them the good news. Pinabasa ko rin sa groupmates ko yung abstract sa galley proof ng paper namin, which was also attached in the email.
"Description of a new species of fig wasp, Eupristina bodjii Gutierrez and Leyritana from Palawan, Philippines," basa ni Aggie sa title ng paper namin. "Wow, immortalized na ang pangalan mo! Congrats! Although di ko na maintindihan yung ibang terms sa abstract. Still, what an achievement!"
"Iba ka talaga!" dagdag pa ni Gab.
Renz just stared at me, but I couldn't read his face. He seemed genuinely happy for me a moment ago, pero ngayon ay biglang naging malalim ang iniisip niya. Bakit kaya? About an hour later, umalis sina Aggie at Gab para may bilhin sa National Bookstore bago magsara dahil halos 8 PM na. So naiwan kami ni Renz sa coffeeshop.
"So you named the novel species after Bodj?" Renz asked. "It must be a great honor for him, to have someone name a species after him."
Gahd! I forgot about that detail. "Uhm, yes. Pumayag si Sir AL sa suggestion ko."
"I see. I'm happy for Bodj. Does he know?"
"I haven't told him yet."
There was an awkward silence, so we just continued with our studies. I was hoping na makababalik agad sina Aggie at Gab, but after twenty minutes or so, I did not have such luck.
"So how long have you known that you like him?" I was taken aback by Renz' question. And it probably showed kasi parang na-guilty si Renz sa kanyang pagiging upfront. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry."
"No, it's okay. We can talk about it." I put down my transes. "What makes you think I like Bodj?"
"It's plain to see. You've always been fond of him. Even among your college barkada, siya yung pinaka-favorite mo. Ngitian ka lang niya, parang nagliliwanag ang mukha mo. Plus yun nga, you named a species after him."
It's plain to see. But not to Bodj. I forgot how observant Renz was. "Lately ko lang na-sort out ang feelings ko. I'm really sorry."
"What for? I cannot fault you. You have always been clear about your feelings for me, and I appreciate that."
YOU ARE READING
A Taxonomist's Guide to Pag-ibig
RomancePart 2 of Ang Kasarian ng Pag-ibig We've met Josh and Dudoy in Ang Kasarian ng Pag-ibig, so it's their friends' turn to tell their story. All Bodj and Lisa wished was to publish their undergraduate theses because they discovered a new species of fig...
