youngblood | a.i.

thirty five || just know i tried to warn you

I flipped him off from where I crouched by the closet door. "No. he's not," I told him, looking back into the closet for my missing heels. "Because he respects me."

"So you're trying to tell me he hasn't fucked you yet?" Calum asked, shutting the door behind him so no one else could hear us.

"No, I haven't slept with him," I told him, fixing his word choice. I focused back on the shoe search, finally spotting them in the back corner.

I grabbed them, stepping back as Calum continued, "But Ashton doesn't stay with girls past hookups."

"No shit," I said back, stepping into my heel to fasten it around my ankle.

"So you haven't done anything with him?" Calum asked for clarification as I tightened the other around my ankle.

"Not really," I said back, telling the truth. "I mean we've kissed and I've stayed a couple of nights with him but we didn't sleep together or anything."

"Would you?" Calum blurted out.

"Would I what?" I asked confused, finally standing back up straight to look at myself in the mirror.

"Would you sleep with him?" Calum asked again, leaning against the door in the corner of the room. "Like if he came on to you, would you stop him?"

I looked at myself in the mirror, observing how, for once, I felt pretty in my own skin. I liked how this dress looked on me, and after the way Ashton had smiled at me when I'd first tried it on, I loved it more. My hair was done up all special- half up with two braids and the rest cascading down my back in natural waves- making me feel prettier than I usually would. I kept my makeup minimal- a light brown winged eyeliner, and mascara that complimented my ocean blue eyes, the highlight on my cheekbones bringing focus to my natural freckles starting to show through. My heels gave me extra height, making my legs appear longer than they actually were.

For once, I felt like who I used to be.

"I don't know," I admitted, looking away from myself back to Calum. He was watching my body language, trying to read my expression. "Why does it matter to you anyway?"

I felt my walls slowly build back up. I was never this way around Calum, but him being so interested in if I would sleep with Ashton was putting me off.

He sucked in a deep breath, pushing up off the door he was leaning on. "I guess it doesn't," he said back, starting to reach for the handle. "I guess I was just trying to see how much you've let him change you, cause old Annie wouldn't have even stepped near him."

"Yeah, well old Annie used to drown her emotions in alcohol and Lexapro too, but I bet you didn't know that," I fired back.

Calum knew a lot about my issues, but I'd never told him everything. He thought I drank for fun, not to numb everything around me. He didn't know I was on Lexapro, he just thought I was happy in general, learning to cope in other healthy ways. I loved Calum with all my heart, but right now he was picking apart the only person keeping me whole, and I didn't have the strength to defend him.

"Old Annie was falling apart. He just happened to be the one to glue me back together."

Calum didn't respond, rather dropped his head. I watched as he shook it, not even wanting to look up to me. I waited for his response quietly from my spot, but he stayed silent. The tension in the room could be sliced with a knife, my defensiveness growing with the second.

He finally looked back up and I could see he was biting the inside of his cheek to stop himself from spilling something.

"Just know I tried to warn you."

And with that he left, leaving me in my own silence and confusion.

Warn me? About what...

I shook it off, turning back to myself in the mirror. I tried to put on a fake smile like I'd trained myself for months on end, but his words kept repeating.

I couldn't help but feel myself close off again, my trust issues getting the best of me as I grew nervous to if I should have ever trusted Ashton like I had started to. He'd given me every reason to want to trust him. He was a different person from who had hurt me, and though that didn't erase what he has done in the past, it made me feel safer knowing he resented himself for it as much as I did.

It was hard jumping from never wanting to look at him to, all a sudden, fighting off this erg to constantly be around him. I always thought he was the most attractive of Luke's friends, hence how he got every girl he wanted, making me physically attracted to him, but he'd always been the one to treat me the worst, making my physical attraction the only attraction.

When he went from locking me in chemical closets to beating the living shit out of his best friend and saving me in a period of 48 hours, I didn't understand what was happening. But my instincts drew me towards the person I knew could and had protected me, even if I hated him from my past. My brain couldn't differentiate the fact that the same person that had protected me had left me in that same situation months earlier, and I still don't think my brain comprehends that. I don't even think I comprehend that, because he's not the same person anymore.

But watching him fall apart in front of my eyes that night on the dock made me realize he was so much more than anything he had done to me.

You were as broken as I was.

He was falling apart too, and he was ready to destroy himself to keep me whole. We both needed glue to put ourselves back together- he was mine.

I didn't regret letting him put me back together- at least not yet. I was finally starting to feel like who I used to be before medication and alcohol, but only when I was around him.

Moments like what had just happened with Calum where I closed off reminded me of who I didn't want to be, of who I was back when I didn't know how to truly cope, but the way Ashton calmed me reminded me of who I did want to be.

He had a power over me, like our broken pieces fixed each other. He understood I wasn't perfect and accepted me for it, and something about that drew me closer to him.

I don't think I'll ever understand why he'd called me that night or why he'd beaten the shit out of his best friend on my behalf, but all I knew, at this moment, I was starting to trust Ashton Irwin.

And there was a pit in my stomach telling me I would regret it.