[COMPLETED]
[WATTYS 2022 WINNER]
James Quinn can't die. Actually... that's not true. He's died many times - somewhere in the neighborhood of 250 - only to be reborn as himself to live his life over again.
For millennia, he's had to endure this c...
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"Let...
Me...
Tell you 'bout this couple here
Before you raise your wine or beer.
He ran for Congress – ran and won –
Built roads and schools, diminished guns.
He mended bridges cracked and burned
But his big win was finding her.
She took things to a whole new level
Cracking codes environmental –
Saving us from our worst selves,
But not so fast, she needs our help.
So friends abroad and friends attendant,
Heal the Earth – we must defend it.
Though this cause is near and dear,
Let me be clear why else we're here –
To celebrate a love profound,
As large as life, as fast as sound.
So raise your glass and praise their names
To Martha and her true love, James."
The speaker raised his glass and the rest of the reception followed, adding various cheers. Then he gave the microphone back to Kate Mckinnon, the designated MC. From the head table, Martha and James stood to applaud and he gave them an actor's bow before leaving the dance floor.
"Lin-Manuel Miranda everybody," Mckinnon said and applause swelled. "What a talent. What a talent. Though I'm a little worried that his next project, Mondale, won't be quite the blockbuster Hamilton was, but you know, I'll keep an open mind. Anyhoo, that will be the last toast of the night which is probably a good thing because I don't know about you, but I've got an empty belly filling up with alcohol. But before we release the roast beef, I gotta say my peace."
Wearing a white pantsuit with a neckline plunging to her navel, Mckinnon crossed the dancefloor to James' side of the head table on which, she leaned her elbow. "This guy... Valedictorian in high school, graduates with honors at Yale, somehow plays shortstop for the friggin' Yankees for five years then quits to go back to law school before heading to Washington to crack some conservative skulls. Pretty damn impressive... Yet he's the underachiever of the two!" She stood and patted James on the shoulder. "Sorry to say it, but... oh hell, I'm not sorry, you're a big boy." As the audience laughed at her roasting, she circled around to Martha's side.
"Here's my girl. Here's my... tragically heterosexual girl. She wins an olympic gold medal for Team USA Softball... She wins the Mirrorball Trophy on Dancing with the Stars... She has a smash-hit, stand-up comedy special on Netflix? In the words of one Jerry Seinfeld... 'Really?' And then that's it. No other accomplishments. Oh wait!" Mckinnon smacked her palm to her forehead, feigning epiphany. "I forgot. She devised a method to safely scrub excess CO² from our atmosphere – a quantum leap toward reversing global warming. I don't pretend to understand the science – something to do with algae and wave energy. But my. Girl. Did. It!"
