I Loathe You. I Love You Too.

Chapter Fifty-Eight : next up the marriage proposal

"Damn, some guys never mature," Parker shook his head, opening the door.

"One day Parker I'll be getting your door," I looked at him and he shook his head.

"Keep dreaming Porter," I hopped into his truck and things hadn't changed, his car was the exact same.

He climbed in as I plugged in the address on google maps.

"I heard you're going to Michigan University," I commented and he nodded.

"Yeah, I just thought that I'd be closer to my mom there and I don't know if your parents really like me staying there," he looked at me and smiled but he was definitely tired, he played it off that he was doing okay but part of me felt like he was trying to persuade me to think he was okay.

"I'll be there too, it's a big campus so we might not run into each other a lot though," I mentioned.

"You're going?" he looked at me surprised.

"Yeah," I nodded.

"That's crazy, but what about Malcolm?"

"I thought it was time to branch out of being with family, kinda doing my own thing for once and I fell in love with Michigan when we were there."

He was quiet as we drove, "Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah," I nodded.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to, it's just I always wondered but never asked then."

"What is it?"

"Why didn't you try to come back? I mean you didn't stay with Mateo because you knew you deserved better than he could ever treat you. I knew you loved me then so why didn't you?" he looked at me before looking at the road.

"I," I sighed, "I tried to that night when I left Mateo's after that stupid fight over the painting you gave me. I was sitting in my car for I think most of the night, but I couldn't bring myself to knock at your door or even text you. I knew that I didn't have enough experience in dating and I couldn't lose you because I was a stupid teenager who created her own hell. I wanted to if we ever crossed paths again to get a me I'd be proud of giving you," I couldn't bring myself to look at him, "I'm not the same insecure and angry girl that you saw. I dated around to see what I didn't like and see what I did like. I don't know, the longer I was away from you the scarier it was to see you. What if you changed, what if you found the girl of your dreams. I was scared to lose you because I wasn't ready. I kept reminding myself though that if it's meant to happen then it'll happen."

"You were there that night?" he was so lost in his thoughts, "I wanted to call you the first night after my mom passed away but I didn't. I was in such a dark place then, I was alone in a house I didn't recognize. I hated myself, I felt like I let her down. I couldn't be the son she needed me to be. Your parents called me, asked me to come stay with them for a while and I did. I wanted to call you on the hard days but I put in my mind that if you really wanted to be with me or even around me that you would've. You would've came that night after and you did," he was holding in the tears.

"Parker you were the one thing I didn't want to mess up. Losing you would've destroyed me. I couldn't risk that and I think that was the smartest thing I did. I know if I told you I was out there the next say you'd get me to take you in a heartbeat. You were my weakness, you always have been," I grabbed his hand and his grip tightened.

"Fuck," Parker whispered and I saw the tears in his eyes, "I never stopped loving you, I told myself I needed to move on but Nora really got in my head so I never fully let myself let go."

"You want me to be fully honest, something that sounds so silly to say but my mind always did it. Every guy I went on dates with after you, I looked at the things they did and didn't do. If they held the door for me, if they gave me my rare compliments, if they could take my sarcasm or not. My ideal guy has always been you, yes you were my firsts and I don't know," I shrugged my shoulders, "I always hoped one day you'd be my last."