youngblood | a.i.

nineteen || chemical imbalances

I felt my back press against a door as Ashton's hand attempted to twist the knob below me, the door soon giving out. He walked me into the room, shutting the door behind us with his foot. He set me on the edge of his bed, just in my bodysuit. I felt as my breathing became more and more labored as I lost control in my panicked state.

"You need to breathe, Anastasia," he coaxed as he kneeled in front of me. His hands laid on his own knees, his body far away from me that not a part of us were touching. It was better that way. No contact kept my mind from spiraling farther.

"He can't get to you now. I've got you. You just have to breathe for me," he told me, trying to calm me but only truly making it worse. I needed to get a grip. When I got this far in a panic attack, I always resorted to meds, but right now I didn't have them. I had to do everything else I could think of.

I held out five fingers against my thigh as I started looking around the room for things I could see. Ashton watched me as I looked around, finally looking down to my hand.

"Five?" he said, mostly to himself, trying to piece together what I was doing.

"Things," I finally got out between choked breaths. "I can see."

"Five things you can see. Uhh, the Nirvana poster," he started pointing things out, my eyes falling to him. "My guitar over there. My record player. My backpack."

He stopped after the fourth one, looking back at me. "Okay, that's four. Now you name one."

Through labored breaths, I managed to spit out "you".

He smiled lightly at my words, refocusing on helping me. "Okay, what next?"

"Feel," I said as I switched the hand on my thigh to a four.

"Four things you can feel?" he asked me, trying his best to work me through this. I nodded to him as I started trying to ready my own answers.

"I can feel... uh," he started thinking about it. "My phone in my pocket, that's something. Your turn."

I tried to come up with an answer, my mind immediately hyper-fixating on how tight my bodysuit felt. I started losing control over my breathing again as the shirt constricted me more.

"Hey, hey, what's wrong?" he immediately asked as he sensed the distress in my breathing.

"My- my shirt," I forced out between breaths. "It's too- it's too tight. It's suff- suffocating me."

I started frantically trying to pull it off, my panicked state not caring that he was in the room and I didn't have anything under it. I stood up and started pacing his room, tears choking my airway between struggling breaths. I reached for the zipper on the back, but I couldn't get it, spiraling me farther.

"Ash- Asht-" I begged, trying to get out his whole name. "Ash-"

"Yes? What? What do you want me to do?" he asked as he stood behind me, trying to help.

"Get it- get it off!" I yelled. "I- I can't breathe."

"Okay, okay, where's the zipper?" he asked, trying not to panic as I did more.

"On the- back. On the back," I explained, unable to get air into my lungs. "Get it off, Ash."

"I'm trying, Angel. Stand still." I felt as the zipper finally released, the first breath of air reaching my lungs for the first time in what felt like years.

"Okay, it's unzipped," he told me.

I turned around to him as I continued choking on tears between labored breaths. "Get it off, Ash, please," I begged. "Get it off."

His expression went as frantic as mine as I started trying to rip off the last layer I had on. Immediately, he turned for his dresser, grabbing a shirt out of it, and standing back in front of me. I struggled to try to pull off the straps, pleading for help with my yelps. I was fixated on trying to get out of it, wanting this feeling of being trapped to finally leave.

He quickly bunched up the shirt, throwing the head hole over me. Once the shirt fell, covering most of my body, he helped the straps off my arms and the black lace suit fell to my feet as my body was finally freed.

I quickly stepped away from it, throwing my arms out of the holes of Ashton's shirt. I brought my hands to my head, trying to focus on what I could hear.

"Okay, what's next? Three things you can hear?" he asked from the other side of the room, kicking the suit away from me so I didn't fixate on it anymore.

I nodded. "You, I can- I can hear you," I struggled out, finally, slowly coming down from this dangerous high.

"Good," he encouraged. "I can hear you too."

"The fan- I can hear- hear the fan."

"Okay, now two things you can smell, right?" He continued on. I nodded again so he continued. "I can smell..."

"Your cologne on- on this shirt," I quickly spat out.

"I can smell alcohol," he said in return. "Now something you can taste."

"Blood," I said before I could stop myself. I had bit the inside of my cheek raw in my panic, filling my mouth with a metallic taste.

"Are you okay?" he asked as he walked over towards me.

"Yes, Ash. I'm fine," I quickly answered, feeling my panic subside. "When I panic, I- I bite the inside of my cheek, and I can taste blood."

"I can taste blood too," he said back. "But it's because I wiped my hand across my mouth earlier after I beat the living hell out of him." He started smiling at me like he was trying to steal my focus from the dangerous territory that was my mind. 

I laughed lightly at him. "That is something you would do."

"It is," he laughed back. "I am the type who wiped his blood-covered handoff in the middle of a fight." I continued laughing at him as I sat down on the edge of his bed, my breathing finally starting to even out.

"Do you need to go again?" he whispered from behind me. "Cause we can name more than five things we can see in here."

"No, Ash," I whispered back, turning around to look at him from my spot on the bed. "I'm fine."

"Okay," he said as his anxieties calmed.

We sat in silence for a moment as I looked down at my hands, focusing on counting the lines and grooves as a distraction. "How did you know what I was doing?" I asked before I could stop myself. "Like when I held out my fingers."

I turned to look at him, seeing answers flood across his face. His eyes didn't change this time, like for once he was actually telling the truth.

"I didn't."

——-

to make it clear- this is a flashback. annie had and still has NO MEMORY of this specific moment, hence why she's struggling to understand right now. all she knows is what ashton explained to her last chapter. this chapter will return later on for dramatic irony though (something you will understand as a reader but annie won't) so pay attention!!