The Chronicles Of Me

1

Chapter 1: The Truth About Words

Unedited

I cannot pinpoint the exact moment in time when I fell in love with words, the only thing that I can say is that it started when I was young. Maybe it was the fact that I was searching for comfort or searching for a feeling that made me feel whole. The irony to this truth is that I spent a lot of my life searching for this feeling, and I ended up in places I never thought that I could go.

Lilac placed her pen down, she took a deep breath as she realized the truth and the weight behind the words she just wrote. Even now in this moment words effected her. Her eyes felt heavy as she took in a deep breathe, before picking up her pen and starting again.

Words are used to express feelings and thoughts, but words are a double edged sword. They are able to cut you deep and manipulate your mind, until the point of no return. Though I love words, I somehow find myself at a loss when it's finally my chance to use my own. Irony. A word that I loathe but know too well. As I can sit here and read as many books as my heart desires, and am able to feel and connect with a character. Somehow I find that I cannot connect with myself. While I can sit here and psychoanalyze myself, I won't, not just yet. I realized that I had a hole within me that words could temporarily fill when I was budding into a teenager. It was a horrific time, and the decisions that I made worsened them. I allowed myself to be so enchanted by words of others, that I had lost my own voice.

Almost as if I was Ariel, just longing, hoping for something more, something different. Unfortunately it took me a while to understand my faults. I was not Ariel and there was no prince waiting above the shoreline for me. As much as I would like to blame everything on words, I cannot. The hole that was within me was needing affection, the only thing that it would take to make it feel smaller than it was, was words. Words, laced with pretty rhymes, smooth voices, and empty promises, I was fooled. Knowing the tale of empty promises too well, I clutched onto my black and white glasses, being naive. For it was my own fault. I couldn't find the words to express that I was drowning, readily sinking. Due to this I decided to be oblivious and run into the direction that gave me the slightest bit of comfort. Words were just a vessel.
It took me years to realize that words are sometimes just letters that create a meaningless verb. That words are not enough. They aren't enough to make you happy, to make that relationship last, they aren't enough to heal the damage that's been done to you. Oblivion is something we often choose over reality, a thing we rather experience than the truth. For words, were so lovely, so tried and true, until they were dripping poison, leaving not even a trace.
Lilac let her pen tip stay on the page, not dunking it again into the pool of black ink that laid beside her. "So much to be said, so much to be done, but for now this page and I are done. " The words fell effortlessly from her lips, as she grew tired, knowing that it was enough truth for today. 

Lilac left the pages to lie on the on the hand-carved wood that graced the tiny space that was known as her room. Lilac stood up, approached her bed and laid down. Her duvet felt thick as it pressed against her spine, eyes trained steadily on the ceiling. She was unmovable in that moment. Just as she felt her position in life was as that very moment. Still, Silent, and Solo.