Her Inevitable Fall

KABANATA 12

Unbearable pain and Fear. That is what I'm currently feeling right now. Those feelings were brought by that mere painting of Chiana Bella. Then came the guilt. I felt guilty just by looking at the bright red paint covering most of the canvas. Guilty for what I did in the past that I can never change anymore whatever I do now. Pero ang totoo ay wala na talaga akong magagawa sa kasalukuyan kung di ang pagdurasahan ang pagkakamali ko sa nakaraan.

Andon ako nung binuo ni Bella ang painting na ito. Kung gaano nya ginugol ang oras sa pagsama-sama ng mga kulay sa canvas. Paano ko sya kinulit-kulit para umalis ng bahay at samahan ako sa aking pupuntahan. Yung oras na ngumiti at pumayag sya na samahan ako habang ibinababa ang brush na may pintura. Those painful memories made me cry harder this time.

She always gives in to me. Kahit anong gusto ko ay sinusunod nya. Baka dahil magkadugtong na kame simula bata pa lang. Bella had been patient in dealing with me. Never nagreklamo kahit na ayaw nya. That's why she was the apple of the family. The only one stood beside me.

Kung hindi ko lang sya pinilit na samahan ako sa lahat ng get aways ko. Sana walang nagbago. Sana 'di nagbago ang lahat ng bagay. But everythings done, hindi na maibabalik ang nakaraan kahit anong gawin ko.

"Were you her boyfriend then?" I asked sobbing. I remembered her telling me about him but hindi ko pinaniwalaan, believing that he was just an illusion. "She told me about you. You were not just an illusion," natatawa kong dagdag.

Pumasok si Thyrone sa loob ng kanilang kusina. Pagbalik nya ay may bitbit ng box ng tissue. Lumapit sya sa akin to hand me the box. I gladly took it and got some sheets from it to use in wiping my tears.

Si Thyrone naman ay nasa harapan ko at maliit na espasyo lamang ang pumapagitan sa amin. He intently stared at me while tears rolling down my face. Kahit anong pilit ko na kalmahin ang sarili para 'di na tumulo ang mga luha ay patuloy pa rin ang pagpatak ng mga ito.

"Sorry, ayaw tumahan ng luha ko," natatawa kong sabi kahit na naiiyak pa rin. "Hindi ko talaga mapigilan. Nakakahiya," pagpaptuloy ko.

Seryosong-seryoso ang tingin ni Thyrone sa akin. I don't know what he's thinking right now. Baka nawi-wirduhan sa akin at sa lakas ng iyak ko. Whatever he's thinking hindi ko na masyadong sineryoso. Bahala na sya. But I'm glad he didn't stop me from crying. Hinayaan nya lang ako.

He took some tissue paper from the box I'm holding. And hesitantly begin to wipe it on my cheeks to dry the tears. I didn't expect that gentle gesture from him. Hindi ko sya tinulak o pinagsabihan for occupying most of my space. Dahil hindi ko maitatanggi na his presence gives me comfort right now.

Dahil sa wala akong reaksyon ay mas lumapit pa sya sa harap ko hanggang sa niyakap nya na ako ng mahigpit. He allowed me to cry on his shoulder while hushing me from my soft sobs.

"Please, stop crying, Thyian," he gently said while rubbing my back. "Gusto mo tanggalin natin ang painting na ito? Itatago ko para 'di mo makita and be badly upset. Please hush," he continued.

I shook my head. He got it but didn't bother to release me from his tight hug. Ganoon lang kame hanggang sa pagkatapos ng ilang minute at noong kalmado na ang aking pakiramdam ay kumawala na ako mula sa pagkakayakap nya. At hinayaan nya naman ako.