Green was the color of the grass where I used to read at Centennial Park, I used to think I would meet somebody there
BUCKY BARNES X FEM! OC
Marvel ╱ pussyf41ry , 2023
𝑒𝑥𝑡𝑒𝑛𝑑𝑒𝑑 𝑠𝑢𝑚𝑚𝑎𝑟𝑦 𝑖𝑛𝑠𝑖𝑑𝑒
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( . . 𝑨𝑪𝑻 𝑶𝑵𝑬; 𝐶𝐻 𝑆𝐼𝑋 ━━━━━ ! ﹆◞ ❫ NEEDLE TO FLESH / 针肉 ━━━━━ " If you need someone to tell you you're special, I can, Believe me, I can, Believe me, I can— "
"SO WHAT ABOUT YOU HM?" DR. ERSKINE ASKED THE NOE SHORT-HAIRED WOMAN. The pair were standing outside of her and Steve's cabin so they could talk while the scrawny boy gets to rest for his procedure the following day.
"What are you asking?" Mulan puzzled pushing her hair back.
"I'm confused. Why would you want to go into a war? It's bloody, testosterone-filled, fueled with pride, rage, greed. I overheard your backstory there with Steven but why would you put yourself through this again? Does the waiting housewife job bore you?" The doctor questioned. Mulan breathed an airy chuckle and looked around, then took a moment to gather her thoughts. For she didn't know the answer herself.
Mulan is usually impulsive so it's not out of her usual nature to jump ship and enlist, but this time was different. Her past battles were brutal and bitter. When she returned she finally understood what caused the drastic change in her father. It started with the emotional change, the irritability, anger, restlessness, Mulan felt on guard all day every night. Like the enemy was pressing a gun to the back of her skull, with her sternum heavy with the weight of fallen soldiers. Like their souls lingered on her, survivors guilt.
Why can't I be happy? was a question that often treaded Mulan's mind at that time. The grand celebration was held after Mulan came back and of course the country celebrated. They won the war, saved the Emperor, husbands came back to wives and children, she got to come back to her family and she had Shang. So why was she not happy? Most of the reason she and Shang didn't work out was on Mulan. With all the baggage she carried from the war it was hard for her to find happiness and assurance in herself. The persistent feeling of unworthiness lingered over her like a dark cloud. She wasn't able to give him what he needed in their relationship, what he deserved. It hurt him and that hurt her so she pushed and pushed him away when all he wanted was to cherish her outstanding being.
As time passed the melancholy parasite blooming in Mulan hadn't disappeared but its hold on her loosened. She avoided anything that had a sliver of relation to that period in her life. Places, people, and situations had been permanently soaked with bad memories and she withdrew from lots of things. If people saw her it was rare and they better have enjoyed it because it wouldn't have been happening any time soon. She was an introvert, which is shocking to people who know Mulan now, she was a mere ghost to the people around her. It took a lot for her to get to the place she was at now and she would be damned if she stumbled down that hole again.
Of course nightmares came with the job. The waking in a cold sweat, the waterfalls running down Mulan's high cheekbones, the face scrunched in a grimace, oh it could go on and on. She guessed time heals all wounds since they rarely happened nowadays. The pale arms wrapped around her waist and sheets left with the scent of musk from the brunette man she calls hers was a pleasant change.
