I don't show emotions very well. I had a hard childhood where I was raped almost daily for 6 years from the age of 6 until I was 12 so I don't show emotions, don't trust people and definitely dont share my feelings for anyone. I've dealt with depression and PTSD for,almost two decade. I had tried to kill myself a couple of times.to get away from my demons.
I knew that day I was going to have more demons to deal with. I knew I would blame myself that all of this was.my fault like I've blamed myself for years. That my finance would blame me and wouldn't love me because of how worthless I was.
I had believed that I was at least able to give life and in that way I made up for my past and that I was worth something to someone.
I felt that I didn't deserve to live. I don't want to live.
I tried killing myself twice when I was younger and Both times I didn't succeed. I knew how to control my inner voice who would constantly tell me how little I meant to everyone. How I didn't deserve all the good things in my life. How I should just end my suffering.
I've had that inner demon talk to me for years and I've learned to ignore and not listen anymore. Ive heard it off and on for the past four yearsit has been more off than on but I knew I was strong enough to fight it.
After I had miscarried ir just started up again. I fought with myself for a week and had to constantly look at my daughters and imagine all the pain I would put them through if I killed myself. How my life was better than it used to be and could get better. How my daughters would suffer for the rest of their life just because I wanted to make it easier on me. I cared too much for them to do what was constantly on my mind.
After many days I finally didn't feel like I would harm myself. I felt that I was finally sane enough.
I knew I had depression and knew that I could overcome it again.
