Mixtape

55

55

In the early light of Saturday morning, Richie is woken up by a knock on his door. He mumbles something close to an invitation, so he blurrily watches Bill enter the room.
"H-Hey," Bill says, shifting around in the doorway.
Richie remembers the way that Bill stood in his room that day he asked Richie to come swim down at the quarry. Beverly forced Bill to invite Richie, and Bill obeyed. He's always been under her thumb.
"What?" Richie asks.
"C-C-Can we tuh-talk?" Bill asks. His stutter sounds awful.
"We are now, aren't we?" Richie sighs, but then waves Bill in anyways.
His brother sits down in the desk chair, rolling it over to the side of the bed and touching his hand to Richie's temple. "Your f-f-fever is go-going d-d-down."
"Mhm," Richie nods, staring up at the ceiling.
"I b-b-broke up-p with B-B-B-Be- fuck, fuck," Bill brings his hands up to cover his face.
"Beverly," Richie says for him, turning his attention towards Bill. He loosens his body up, taking a more gentle approach. "What happened?"
"I f-felt bad," Bill says between his hands. "About lah-last nnn-nnight. I t-t-talked to Sss-St-Stan about it, and I th-think it was a wakeup c-call."
Richie doesn't say anything, but he reaches out and guides Bill's hands away from his face as a way to encourage him to continue.
"S-So I just- I juh-just want t-t-to say sorry," Bill says. "I c-called Eh-Eh-Ed-Eddie to ch-check on his mmmm-mom. She's okay, he said he'll c-c-come over today. I feel s-so bad, Rich. I've- I've lost family m-m-members. Brothers. I d-d-didn't want t-to lose you... not again. I really s-st-stepped back and realized... just how much... she cuh-convinced me th-that it was... okay."
Richie nods understandingly. "I don't think she meant to, Bill. You just love her, man."
"I d-do. I always have. Th-That's why... I don't know. I really f-fucked up. I was s-so ssss-sselfish. I j-just wanted her. B-B-Ben broke up with h-her, and I just," Bill waves his hands around as if to gesture towards the mess he's created.
Richie sits up in bed, shifting his pillow around to rest in his lap a bit more comfortably. "What did you tell Bev?"
"The t-truth. I s-said she... she n-n-needs to be alone f-for awhile. She's n-never really... b-b-been single before, has she?"
"Not for as long as I've known her," Richie shakes his head.
"It'd be g-g-good for her to luh-learn how t-to be on her own," Bill says, "I t-told her I'm n-n-not like m-myself. I ch-changed to be wha-what I th-thought she wanted. She understood. She wasn't m-m-mad or anything, she s-said she would b-be okay waiting if I j-just wanted space. I s-said I didn't know."
"Do you want to go back to her?" Richie asks. "Ever?"
"I really d-d-don't know," he shakes his head, then covers his face again. "I d-don't know what t-to do. I feel s-so lost."
"Hey, come on, man," Richie leans over the edge of the bed to pull Bill in for a hug, the wheels of the chair squeaking as Bill gets closer. "You'll be alright. What can't you survive, man?"
"I know," Bill says. "I know I'll b-b-be okay, I've j-j-just... I hurt all m-my fruh-friends in th-the p-process."
Richie smiles and says, "I've got a feeling that we all go together, no matter what. It'll be okay, dude. Us losers stick together, always. We're a family."
Bill nods and nuzzles into Richie's shoulder a bit more, stuttering out a pathetic "I ho-hope I d-d-don't catch your c-cold."
"I hope you do," Richie teases. "I feel like shit. The whole world must feel my pain."
"I g-g-guess we're b-both evil," Bill suggests, though Richie doesn't think either of them could truly make an evil decision even if their life depended on it. "Th-Thanks for flipping out on m-m-me."
"Sorry I made you break up with your girlfriend," Richie says, but then adds "But it was for the best so I'm not actually sorry at all. Sorry I said you weren't a leader?"
"No, you were rrrr-right. I th-think you sh-should lead until I g-geh-get my shit together," Bill pulls away from the hug to see Richie's reaction.
"Me? Leader? Not a chance, dude. I'm a nervous wreck," Richie laughs, the chuckle turning into a cough at the end to remind him of just how ill he is.
"Well, th-then who?" Bill asks.
It clicks into place at the exact same time. The only person properly capable of taking care of a whole group of chaotic assholes is someone who deserved the leader badge probably some time ago, but he was just too humble to ever think of himself so highly. Out of everyone in the group, he's always been the most natural, true leader, something Bill has been aware of since day one. Bill's got the confidence and charm needed to make all of them listen, but one loser in particular is who should really be their father figure of the group.
Both at the same time, the two blurt out "Mike."
Bill says, "M-Maybe when Ed-Eddie comes over t-to-today you guys can g-go see him if you're feeling b-b-better."
"You don't wanna come with?" Richie asks.
"No," Bill shakes his head. "I've g-gotta get th-this s-s-st-stutter under control. I th-think I'm going t-t-to eat ice cream out of th-the tub and watch Grease like g-g-girls d-do when they're s-ss-sad about a b-breakup."
"Well," Richie laughs, he uses the poshest Voice he has to say "Godspeed, good sir. May your efforts of rehabilitation and recovery be swift yet fruitful."
"The only th-thing fru-fruitful here is you," Bill teases.
Before Richie can chuck something at his head, he's up and running out of the room as laughter follows behind him, but Richie listens to the way that the laughter dies down the second Bill is out of Richie's eyesight. It must've hit Bill really hard to step back and realize the type of person he was becoming. It wasn't even necessarily Beverly's fault, which is the real kicker. Bill turned himself into that on his own accord, just to appeal to her. That isn't her responsibility to take care of, so it's quite admirable to know that Bill was the bigger man and ended things for his own sake. The leader is still buried deep, deep within him. He still has that bit of bravery that Mike never really possessed. Maybe one day when they're older, all of them will figure it out and they won't need a leader to look up to.
For now, Richie only has to worry about his own little romance going on. He pushes the sheets off and fumbles around his messy room to find his pager, beeping Eddie to let him know to call. He's downstairs moments later, drinking orange juice to Sharon's suggestion when the phone starts to ring.
"I got it," he maneuvers around her before she can answer. He holds the receiver up to his ear eagerly, asking "Hey, Denbrough residence."
"Damn," Eddie says, "I was lookin' for a Tozier."
"Well," Richie says, "I'll let it slide. You wanna come over?"
"I've been waiting all morning for you to wake up," Eddie responds. "It's noon, dude. Seriously."
"Sorry, I was recovering from the Black Plague," Richie says dramatically.
"You mock my vitamins, but who's the one that didn't get sick?" Eddie scoffs, then says "That's what I thought. I'll be over in ten."
When Richie hangs up, he smiles and turns back to the kitchen, finishing up his orange juice.
"That your boyfriend?" Sharon asks curiously. No accusatory tone in her voice, just one of a mother who can't keep up with the two teenage boys she's sheltering.
"Um, kind of," Richie smiles, setting his cup in the sink and coming up to kiss her cheek. "I'm gonna take him down to the movies today, I think. I'll be home for dinner."
Sharon smiles and nods, watching Richie bounce out of the kitchen so he can clumsily climb the stairs. He's not asking permission to go out anymore, he's just letting her know where he's going to be. He's come a long way, and she feels proud of the kid who has had the strength to overcome the fear he was ridden with when she first brought him into her home.
After getting ready, Richie meets Eddie out on their porch, where he wraps an arm around the smaller one's shoulders and kisses his cheek as a good morning greeting. They bound down the steps and start heading down the driveway, not afraid of the neighbors seeing them.
"So are you feelin' better?" Eddie asks him, looking up at the boy who was bedridden just the day before.
"Yeah," Richie smiles, his fingers fiddling with the ring on his fingers. "Musta been all the drugs ma pumped into me!"
"You were all sweaty," Eddie comments, "Yet I still kissed you. I think I deserve an award for that."
"Yeah, I'll get right on that Eds," Richie rolls his eyes, "I'll call up Mr. President and tell him to enroll you for a Medal of Honor like the other brave soldiers that fight for this country."
"You are such an ass," Eddie scoffs, but still pushes into Richie's side when a strong gust of wind blows their way.
"You love it," Richie pinches the boy's cheek. "How was Mike's?"
"Totally bleak," Eddie shakes his head. "Everyone talked about their problems with each other and what went wrong after you left. It was morbid."
"Yeah?" Richie sighs, "Sorry to miss out."
"Honestly, I wish I would've just stayed in bed with you," Eddie says. "Even if you were sick as a dog."
Richie laughs in a way that turns into a bit of a cough, so he wipes at his runny nose and ignores Eddie's disgusted looks. "You didn't come back."
"Oh," Eddie nods. "Henry had some problems with his dad. He was freakin' out."
"Is he alright?" Richie asks.
"Yeah..." Eddie shrugs. "Yeah. For the most part. You know how his dad is, man."
"Why doesn't he move out?" Richie asks.
"He's gotta take care of the property," Eddie explains. "He's inheriting it when his dad passes, so there's really no reason to go."
Richie nods for a few moments, then he asks "You still thinkin' 'bout ditching this place?"
"As soon as we graduate."
Richie nods again, staying quiet as they walk along the sidewalk out of the clusters of neighborhoods and head towards town. The snow crunches beneath their shoes, the road wet with the slush beneath the tires of each car that passes by them. The horizon is grey and monotonous, but Richie imagines how it'll look during the spring time when the two boys finish their last day of high school.
"Bill broke up with Bev," Richie then says. "I don't know if he told you that."
"Kinda," Eddie nods, "It was hard to catch through the stutter."
"He's doin' real bad again," Richie shakes his head. "I think it's for the best though. I think it's what everyone needs, really."
"He always had a crush on her," Eddie says, "For as long as I can remember. I never thought he'd give up on them."
"I don't think he gave up, he just knows it's not... he knows that it's not good for them to be together right now," Richie shrugs, "He doesn't like who he became, so he's trying to get it all sorted out. I think that's brave."
"Isn't that what you're doing?" Eddie looks up at Richie, "You're brave too, you know. Not many people can hold back the way you can."
"What- What part of Valentine's day was me holding back?" Richie chuckles. "If you say so, spaghetti head. Oh! I came out to my parents."
"What?" Eddie stops in his tracks, his eyes widening. "What'd they say?"
"Nothing, really," Richie shrugs, "They said okay, basically. And then told me you can't stay the night if we're dating."
"But- We-" Eddie laughs, "They don't have a clue that I've been coming over, do they?"
"Not at all."
"That's incredible, baby," Eddie steps forward, taking Richie's hands in his own. Even through the mittens, Richie can feel how warm Eddie's touch is. "I'm so proud of you. You're being so true to yourself."
"I'm trying," Richie nods. "For you. For us... For me."
Eddie smiles so brightly that it blinds more than the pristine snow banks behind him, but Richie doesn't look away. He loves seeing the face Eddie makes when he's proud, it makes his self esteem sky rocket.
At the movie theaters, the two boys stand in line for concessions as Richie shifts around on his feet. His eyes glance towards the bathroom, and he remembers that fight. He remembers it vividly. He remembers the way that Eddie hit him.
He also remembers the journal entries that followed. He remembers the way his tiny lover apologized profusely, the guilt that seeped between the pages, and the sorrow that bled through the ink.
He steps a little closer to Eddie.
"Hey," Eddie nudges him. "I don't mean to alarm you, but Bev and Mike are here."
"What?" Richie panics, his eyes scanning the theater lobby to find the duo. "Where?"
Sure enough, Mike and Bev are standing by the ticket booth. Beverly is twirling a bit to show off how her long dress flows by her ankles, and Mike is nodding and saying something from behind his knit scarf. It looks homemade.
"Oh, man," Richie looks down at his feet. "I don't want to talk to her. I just broke her and her boyfriend up."
"That was Bill's choice," Eddie says, moving up in line. "It would be weirder if we didn't talk to them."
"Okay," Richie whispers, his voice dying down in his throat. He doesn't try to say anything else, he just nods his head in defeat.
He doesn't want to face Bev. Things have been tough between them as it is, strained since the moment Eddie blinked those pretty eyes at Richie in the way that made him fall in love. The distance and gap that grew over the years has only sunk in depth, and Richie is afraid that this fight with Bill he had is just the final nail in the coffin that's going to make her despise him.
The line seems to move too fast now. Before Richie can even procrastinate going over to them, Eddie's already gotten their popcorn and drinks and is nudging Richie towards Mike playing a claw machine game near the photobooths.
"Hey guys!" Mike glows with sunshine. As per usual.
"Hey," Eddie smiles back, offering some of their popcorn. Beverly takes some, and seeing such sudden movements from her causes Richie to flinch back.
"Hey," Beverly says quietly, "You feeling better, Rich? Bill says you had a nasty cold."
"Y-Yeah," Richie nods, staring at the ground.
"Wow, I wonder how that could've happened," she laughs, then reaches over to jab at Eddie's sides. "Someone didn't talk him out of his idiotic water tower idea!"
"Believe me, I tried," Eddie says in his defense. "He's a stubborn guy! I can't resist that smile."
They all look at Richie as if a cue for him to present said smile, but Richie just pushes his lips together and looks to the side a bit uncomfortably. He missed that group bonding moment, but he's not sure if he even needed to be with them to heal anyways. They broke up without him around, why would they need him back in order to heal?
"What movie are you guys seeing?" Mike changes the subject. "We've got about 40 minutes to kill before our movie."
"This one talked me into seeing The Silence of the Lambs," Eddie scoffs, shifting the bucket of popcorn around in his arms. "We should probably go. I don't want to miss the trailers."
"Right, no problem," Mike nods, turning to pat Richie's arm. "You lovebirds have fun. Rich, my man, you gotta stop by more!"
"Will do," Richie eases up a little. Mike never makes him anxious, it's against his nature. What comes next, however, makes the remaining anxiety quadruple and skyrocket.
"Rich?" Beverly tucks some hair behind her ear, showing off her speckled face. "Can we hang out tonight? Same place like the good ol' days."
Back when he didn't love anything the way he loved her. Richie didn't have friends, she was it. He had a companionship in her that he thought was irreplaceable, then he met Eddie. And Stan. And Mike. And Ben. And Bill. And suddenly, Beverly wasn't so vital anymore.
"Okay," he says nervously, voice cracking as if he's not finished with puberty. "I'll see if I can sneak out."
"Thank you," she smiles sadly, then turns back to the claw machine and pretends to be busy with the handle.
Eddie kisses Richie's shoulder as a bit of reassurance, then nods his head towards the concierge waiting to take their tickets. Richie nods and tries to relax, but through the whole movie his mind is racing with the possibilities of what could happen.
What does she want? To yell at Richie? To blame him for everything that's gone wrong in their lives? To rub salt in every healing wound?
Richie thinks of their spot across from the gas station where their bikes would lie dormant as they pigged out inside the gas station. Dark, isolated, empty.
A darker thought reaches his mind, one that pairs well with the gruesome murders happening on the big screen before him. He takes Eddie's hand in his, squeezing it anxiously. Eddie smiles a little and assumes that Richie is just scared of the movie, not knowing what morbid thought is really consuming his mind.
What if she just wants to kill me?