Mixtape

52

52

It isn't uncommon for Richie to be up late.
He's always been one with the moon, enjoying the peace of night when everyone else goes to sleep. He used to be terrified of being alone, but now he's not really alone. Not anymore. Bev used to aid that fear by inviting him out to the gas station every night, but now he's learned that there's a bit of comfort in isolation. He finds solace in the stillness. High school is demanding, especially when you're months away from graduation with no plans for your future. He appreciates the quiet moments as much as he can whenever he's lucky enough to have them. Sometimes, he avoids going to sleep just because it means that day would end and it would feel like a waste.
Richie hears a bit of groaning, so he lifts his head up and turns in his desk chair. The lamp on his desk barely illuminates the room, showing Eddie's sleeping figure shifting around so restlessly. Richie's fingers turn down the knob on his stereo, dulling out the station he's listening to.
These past few weeks, Eddie has been coming in through Bill's bedroom window once their parents are in bed. Bill's room is extended out above the roof of the garage, so it's easy for Eddie's tiny legs to scale the side of the building and slip in undetected. Usually, Bill will wave or stop Eddie to ask about a problem on the homework he's doing last minute before bed, but sometimes Eddie stumbles in to catch Beverly on top of him. They don't talk about those incidents, Eddie just covers his eyes and exits the bedroom in order to sneak into the room down the hall.
Richie is always so eager to see him, always welcomes him in with a hug and a kiss, and then they lie together and talk about their days until Eddie falls asleep.
Lately, he's been having the nightmares again.
They're different this time, Richie's noticed. Eddie is quiet, his fear is silent, as if he's spent years muffling it. He doesn't wake himself up in a fit of tears anymore. Richie can tell it's worse, somehow. Like... the fear became real, the dreams are rational, based off of something traumatic that can manifest more vividly than a giant spider.
Richie stands up from his desk chair, taking his tapedeck with him as he approaches the side of the bed. The tape is already set and ready to go, so Richie places the Walkman down on Eddie's hyperventilating chest and slips headphones over the other one's ears.
Eddie's eyes flutter open the way they always do, his chest exhaling the breath he was holding hostage. His hand finds Richie's, their fingers entwining together in the moonlight.
"Thank you," Eddie says softly once he's fully calmed down, furrowing his eyebrows again. "I'm sorry if I woke you up."
Richie shakes his head, looking down at their hands as he plays with Eddie's fingers. "No, it's fine. I was up anyways."
Eddie sighs and rolls into his side, his eyes glowing with the foggy reflection of the lamp in front of him. Richie can hear the music coming from the headphones, a Jimi Hendrix song that he knows all the words to. "They're getting bad again. I don't know why."
"What are they..." Richie's free hand traces along Eddie's leg. "What are they about?"
Eddie lifts his eyes to look at the boy sitting next to him, then he slips a side of the headphones off and explains "Patrick Hockstetter. I dream about being inside that fridge. What he did to Henry. What he would've done to others."
Richie's heart drops when he hears the truth, his hand squeezing Eddie's with all his might. It's hard to hear something so tragic come from the mouth of the one you love, but the only option Richie really has at this point is to try and help as much as he can. Eddie's been healing Richie's wounds, it's time Richie does the same.
"I'm sorry. He's gone now, Eddie. He's gone," he says quietly. "Does the music help?"
"I don't think it was ever really about the music," Eddie says, rubbing his eyes with exhaustion. His voice is heavy with sleep, sounding deeper than its usual pithiness. "I think it was 'cause you were around. The mixtapes didn't stop the nightmares, man, you did."
It seems to click into Richie's mind at that second, all the times that Eddie's nightmares ceased weren't because of the music he was playing, it was because Richie was always there to hold him until he fell back asleep. It was never about the music. It was about Richie.
"What time is it?" Eddie then asks, rolling onto his back.
"A little after midnight," Richie responds, his thumb rubbing against the inner elbow of Eddie's arm.
"It's Valentine's Day," Eddie remarks. He lifts his eyes, glancing over at the radio on Richie's desk. "What are you listening to? I can't hear."
"It's just a radio station down in Philadelphia," Richie explains.
Eddie is quiet, then asks "Do you miss them?"
"Like crazy," Richie smiles. He nods his head towards the radio, then gets up and turns the volume up a little. Eddie takes the headphones off so that he can hear. "It's raining. James used to hate thunderstorms, he'd always switch beds with Martin on nights that it rained because it was the furthest away from the windows."
Eddie listens to the forecast for a city that he used to resent, a city that stole his love away from him. It's not raining in Derry, the air is much too cold. Any precipitation comes in the form of a snowfall.
"Can I tell you something?" Eddie asks.
"Yeah," Richie turns back towards the bed, leaning against his desk for support. "Anything."
"You know how I met Will at summer camp? The one down in Pennsylvania?" Eddie looks up towards the ceiling, the Walkman spinning a tape that nobody is listening to.
"Yeah," Richie repeats, but this time nervously.
"Well," Eddie rolls back onto his side to look at Richie. "Camp's not that far from Philadelphia. Will and I snuck out one night and took the train into the city, and then walked twelve miles. We got to your orphanage around ten in the morning, and some girls down the street told us which house had all the 'freaky' kids."
Richie's stomach drops.
"I was terrified to go up and knock, so Will did it for me. He's brave like that, Rich. He told his momma and all his friends that he likes boys. He got kidnapped, you know, he went through so much horrible stuff. But he's still braver than me. So he knocked, and this mean old woman answered. I asked if I could see you, and she shut the door for a few minutes. Then, she came back and she said you didn't want to see anybody. I told her my name, and she said to get off her porch before she called the police. So we left. I think Will had to listen to me cry for about three hours after that, but he didn't tell me to shut up or anything. He just said that maybe it was the wrong orphanage. Maybe it was a different Richard. Maybe you were feeling ill. Maybe."
"I didn't know," Richie says quickly, shaking his head. "I didn't know about that. I didn't know about that at all, I'm so sorry. I wanted to see you so badly, Eddie. I promise I did."
"I didn't know that, though," Eddie shrugs in bed. "All I knew was that you didn't reply to any of my letters, so I stopped writing. I thought you didn't want anything to do with me. Will told me that not everybody is gay, and that sometimes they just experiment because they get confused. I thought I was that confusion, and you were just... over it."
"Well," Richie comes over to sit on the side of the bed, lying down until his head is on Eddie's stomach. He looks up and says "I don't think I'm gay. I just love love, like Freddie always says."
Eddie smiles and says "I love dicks, like Elton always says."
"You love me," Richie corrects him, his hand pushing the fabric of Eddie's shirt up so that he can press a kiss to a freckle on the boy's abdomen. "I didn't know you came to visit me."
Eddie shrugs. "I'm here, aren't I? Mr. Keene down at the corner store asked why I stopped buying stamps. The mailman asked what had happened. Everyone was so concerned for me, but not concerned enough, I guess. I came home from camp right before school started, and three weeks into the school year is when Patrick... when Patrick..."
"Shh," Richie says, "You don't have to say it. It's okay."
"Yeah," Eddie smiles. He tangles his hands through Richie's hair, so the taller one lets his eyes flutter shut as he feels serene with peace. Without any warning, a pair of headphones are being pressed against his ear, and Eddie is then asking "Doesn't this just make you feel like you're in love?"
The song is by Ricky Nelson, a familiar little tune named Sweeter Than You. It's natural for Eddie to like this song, he's always favored ballads over rock and roll. Richie likes it all, so he nods along to the words in agreement.
"It makes me feel a lot of things," Richie says.
"Like what?" Eddie pushes hair off of Richie's forehead so that he can get a better glimpse at the little sparkle that's brightening in his eyes. Richie's gaze used to be so glazed and dull, but excitement is starting to come back to the boy who used to make everyone around him smile.
"The music makes me feel alive, Eds," Richie sighs out. "So do you."
Eddie smiles and opens his mouth to respond, but Richie feels the surge of want come over him that causes him to lift himself up enough just to kiss Eddie as gently as he can.
"I love you, man," Eddie presses his lips against Richie's cheek.
"I love you too," Richie rests their foreheads together. "Let's get some sleep. I have a day planned for you tomorrow."
"Like what?" Eddie smiles, his fingers curling around the collar of Richie's shirt. "I have stuff planned for you, too."
Richie kisses Eddie's forehead, then gets up so he can shut off the radio and the lamp. "You'll see, Kaspbrak. Get some sleep."
Eddie always wakes up at five o'clock, ceasing the beeping from his watch before it can wake up Richie. His routine is simple; get dressed, sneak downstairs, leave through the backdoor. His exit tonight goes as smoothly as usual, his wrist flaring up in pain in all the cracked places that he broke it when he steps out into the cold. This doesn't stop him, though. Bill lives three streets down from Eddie, so the walk isn't that far. Richie used to live across town, so Eddie supposes it's one benefit of erasing Tozier to become a Denbrough.
Eddie is much taller than he was when he was fifteen, and now he doesn't struggle to climb in through his bedroom window. He imagines this is how easy it was for Richie all those times he'd sneak in for a "goodnight," but now Eddie's the one crawling into his friend's bed late at night. The years and tragedy and misfortune have changed these two boys so much, but the love never falters.
Richie never knows if Eddie makes it home safely, he just has to cross his fingers in the morning and hope for the best until he gets to school that day. He doesn't have a class with Eddie until fourth period, so the two have agreed that Richie takes the long way to his homeroom just so that he can pass by Henry's locker.
"Did you find a ride home today, Rich?" Beverly asks as they walk into school.
Richie listens to the tone of her voice carefully, he's started to notice that people aren't usually sick of him like his anxiety tends to make him think, they're just simply asking a question. For example, a month ago Richie would have heard this and presumed that she's trying to get rid of him because she can't stand him anymore. Now, he knows that's not the case. He just nods and answers her.
"Yeah, I'm gonna ride home with Ben. You guys still following through with your plans?" He tightens his grip on his backpack straps as he climbs the stairs to first floor.
"D-D-Damn ruh-right," Bill grins. He doesn't get as upset when he stutters now, mostly because he's explained to Richie that sometimes he just falls back into it without realizing. It's a hard habit to overcome, so Richie doesn't think anything of it when his friends twisted tongue relapses.
"You guys are crazy," Richie laughs lightly.
Beverly explained it all to Richie one night when he walked into Bill's room and was met by a cloud of smoke. Beverly is a lot clingier when she's high, so she removed herself from Bill to latch onto Richie. She told him all about how they're 18 now, so they can drive up to Bangor and go into porno shops and get crazy things. Then, they're going to check into a hotel and spend the night decimating the purity of the holiday of love.
"Like you and Eddie aren't?" Bill says. No stutter at all. It is bizarre to hear him flip back and forth, but some sentences he translates in his head better than others.
"We aren't sex shop crazy! We're normal, healthy teenagers," Richie defends himself and his own Valentine's Day plans.
"Yeah, well, don't get caught," Beverly shakes her head. "Eddie is 18, so he'll be prosecuted as an adult and be arrested as such. Could you imagine his mom getting a phone call from jail? She'd totally flip! You'd never see him again."
Richie stops at the intersected hallways, the part of their morning when they say their goodbyes until lunch. He smirks proudly, shrugging his shoulders and saying with a hint of arrogance,  "Then we won't get caught."
Richie turns and started heading towards Bowers' locker, but he still hears Beverly say "He's too cocky for his own good," and he can practically imagine the way she's shaking her head.
"Hey you!" Eddie smiles, standing against the lockers next to Henry's. Henry looks up and makes eye contact with Richie, nodding a little and giving a salute. He's not much of a morning person.
"Hey," Richie gives a short, one armed hug that guys are supposed to give other guys, then ruffles Eddie's hair when he pulls away. "Happy Valentine's day."
"God, give the boy a fucking kiss, Tozier," Henry grumbles. "He's been yapping about it nonstop this morning."
"We're at- We're at school," Richie looks around at the waves of classmates flooding the hallways. Eddie reaches out and slaps Henry's chest with the back of his hand for embarrassing him.
"And?" Henry lifts his eyebrows. "Hide behind me or some shit. I'm twenty fuckin' years old, dude. Nobody in this school wants to look at me."
The two boys shift around until they're practically inside Henry's locker, the door shielding them from one side while Henry stands on the other. Then, they exchange a short kiss, one where Eddie giggles the whole time as his thumb strokes against Richie's cheek.
"I've gotta get to class," Eddie tells him, blinking those butterscotch eyes up in a way that says he doesn't want to go at all.
"Then go," Richie pokes at the boys' sides. "Go, go, go."
Eddie nods and takes off through the hall, blending in with the group of girls he meshed with.
"Thanks for that," Richie says, still watching Eddie apologize to someone he bumped into.
"For what?" Henry grabs a book out of his locker, shutting it and spinning the dial idly.
"I don't know. Protecting us. After everything we've been through, it's just nice to not be afraid of you kicking my teeth in for kissing my boyfriend," Richie shrugs. He realizes Eddie isn't technically his boyfriend, but everyone already knows.
"Yeah, well, I've loved both of you at various points in my life, so it's just nice to see both of you making each other so happy," Henry says, then coughs and punches Richie's shoulder. "Or somethin' like that. Whatever, freak. Don't make me get all stupid and sappy when we're in fuckin' public."
Richie puts his hands up and waves an imaginary white flag, saying "Alright, alright. You got any plans for Valentine's day?"
The tough demeanor does not last long, because Henry immediately blushes and shies away, trying to hide his face in his shoulder as he softly mumbles "Yeah, Vic's gonna take me to a movie."
"Oh!" Richie raises his eyebrows. "Victor Cross? Who woulda known!"
"Right?" Henry smiles excitedly. "It's great. He doesn't- He doesn't scare me. Things feel safe with him, they feel... right."
"When did that develop?" The bell rings, but neither of the two care.
"Eddie pushed him, actually. He says the little guy got him to open up about his feelings 'n' shit. Made him feel confident. Vic says he doesn't even mind that I'm still in high school," Henry's smile seems to grow. His teeth are crooked and chipped from all the fights he's been in, Richie's never really noticed until now. Henry's never smiled like this before. "He thinks I'm admirable for waitin' and finishin' high school 'n' not droppin' out like Belch did."
"Fuck Belch," Richie nods. He knows all about how Belch Huggins taunted and teased Henry when Patrick was arrested. Henry had tried opening up about what occurred between the two, disclosing their secret relationship and his own sexuality. Belch called him a faggot and said that all queers are just asking for it, so Vic punched him in the throat and kicked him out of his basement. They don't hang out anymore, but that's fine. Eddie joined the gang and showed those two boys that it's okay to be soft, and delicate. He showed them it's okay to be comfortable with your masculinity, and it's especially okay to be who you are regardless of sexual orientation.
"Eddie's a healer, I'm tellin' ya," Henry says, nodding.
"Agreed," Richie mirrors that affectionate smile now that his own love is brought into conversation.
Two of the most bruised, damaged, and psychologically fucked over people in all of Derry, giggling like school girls over the boys that they have crushes on.
"Who woulda thought there'd be so many gays in our little shit town?" Richie asks. The hallways are empty now, so the two don't bother lowering their voices.
"Did you hear that Sydney Maple is a lesbian?" Henry asks.
"The sophomore?"
"Yeah. She made out with a girl in the locker room."
"You're twenty, Hen," Richie reminds him. "Don't gossip about sixteen year olds."
Henry laughs, then shrugs again. "I cant help it! This town is just so juicy."
"You're insane," Richie shakes his head, backing away. "I'm gonna take off, man. I don't want my tardy to turn into an absence."
"Yeah, I should probably get goin' too," Henry nods, looking down at his algebra book. After a moment, he pulls out his car keys and says "Nah, fuck it. I'll try school again tomorrow."
Considering it's a holiday, the day goes by as slow as it usually does. Some guys surprise their girlfriends with flowers in class, some girls carry around teddy bears to each period. Richie hides down in the music room for lunch, where Eddie tells Stan and Ben about how he saw girls eating boxes of chocolates for lunch and nothing else.
"This holiday blows," Ben says. "I'm glad you two aren't, y'know, gross."
"What do you mean?" Richie laughs, leaning his elbow against Eddie's knee as he picks through the boy's lunch. Richie's started using his lunch money to buy snacks for everyone from the vending machines, but he still raids through Eddie's lunch to steal the fruit snacks as per usual.
"He means he saw Bev and Bill playing tonsil tennis," Stan shrugs.
"That's disgusting," Eddie remarks. He sets an arm on Richie's shoulder as the boy leans over Eddie's lap entirely, and he says "Rich, I hope your brother gets mono."
"Hey man, he drinks out of the same can as me sometimes, don't wish that!" Richie elbows Eddie in the gut.
"Because then you would get mono too," Stan points at Eddie.
"It's like playing hot potato with disease," Ben snickers, "Mike and I will be the only ones who aren't contaminated."
"What about me?" Stan scoffs.
"I don't know, man. You and Richie used to be up each other's asses, I haven't forgotten," Ben teases the two, then bursts into laughter when Stan starts throwing various fruits at him.
"Whatever, man," Richie lies back on the music room floor, appreciating the Zeppelin that's on the radio. "Don't mind those two, Ben. You're a quarterback now, dude. You could have, like, any girl you want. No need to be stuck on a little worm like Beverly."
"Thanks, Rich," Ben smiles, but then adds on. "Not sure if you've noticed this, but all the girls in this school are kind of... dumb."
"Rude!" Eddie says.
"Why are you getting offended on behalf of girls?" Stan asks. "He's right. The girls in this school are all so airheaded, and then the smart ones are stuck up. It's a tough life for Hanscom."
"There's no in between," Ben shakes his head sadly.
"That's not true," Richie points at Ben. "I hear there's a sophomore that's a lesbian."
"What's he gonna do with a lesbian, Rich?" Eddie rolls his eyes. "I swear, you and Henry both-"
"Now hold on a minute," Ben puts a hand up. "This could have potential."
"Right?" Richie asks. "Just imagine it; two girls... and you get to watch."
"You are so gross," Stan throws yet another apple over at Ben, then chucks an orange at Richie's head. "Men are pigs, aren't they Ed?"
"Agreed," Eddie pouts, pushing at Richie's legs next to him.
"Ah," Richie catches the boy's hand, tangling their fingers together. "Shut it. I'll see you after school, okay?"
"If you guys are meeting up, I could just give you both a ride to Richie's," Ben suggests. His mom has always spoiled him, and his sixteenth birthday wouldn't have been complete had he not gotten a brand new car.
"Nah," Eddie shakes his head. "My ma's real sick, I've gotta make sure she's taking her medicine before I go anywhere."
"Oh, how the tables have turned," Stan finishes putting his utensils back into his lunchbox right as the bell rings. "Kidding. You wanna walk to gym, Eddie?"
Ben covers his eyes as Eddie gives Richie a kiss on the cheek, promising to see him later. Richie smiles and cheekily slaps his hand against Eddie's rear as he exits, leaving Ben alone with Richie.
"You guys got plans for Valentine's day?" Ben then asks.
"Oh yeah," Richie nods. "We've got two years to make up for, haystack. The shit I have planned for tonight is gonna blow his mind."
"Oh god," Ben rolls his eyes. "Don't you dare get arrested."
"Everyone keeps telling me that," Richie laughs, though he knows that what he has planned is entirely against the law.
He doesn't care. Eddie is his partner in crime.