Schizophrenia. [LP AU] 卌

epilogue.

 i've never liked funerals. i can barely remember my mothers and my sisters, but being at my own father's was something i didn't want to remember either. i had just literally got my life back on track. i had started to get better, the thoughts were going as i became in control of myself.

and my dad had also accepted me. we had connected again. why would some pyscho try and ruin that for us? wait, not even trying. he just did it. it's done. he was a coward as well, as soon as my dad pushed me out the way and took that damn bullet for me, instead of shooting at me as well like a true assassin, he ran. i never understood it really.

in a way i wish he had killed me as well, at least i wouldn't be alone right now. at least i wouldn't be sad, without a family. i also know that this must be the feelings i should've felt when my mother and sister passed away. this overwhelming sadness and lost that's eating me alive. that there is no way to pick myself up again. i'm glad i'm feeling these emotions though in a way, because it meant there wouldn't be any reason for my brain to decide to create things again and mess me up even more.

i was in all black and i sat alone in a row where the family of the deceased should be sat. behind me where my father's colleagues from work. none bother to talk to me, i wonder if they even know i exist. i wonder if my father ever talked to them with pride about me, or if he ever talked about me at all. i highly doubt it.

i listen to people talking about my father and how he was a great man, and he left the world too quickly. i listen to people saying how he died with honour by being shot at, trying to stop an assassin and in my head i want to scream at them for being so stupid. they don't even know how he died, or even so, why he died. he did it for me, and nobody knows that.

"my dad was a hero." i quietly say, well at least i thought it was quiet. everyone stops listening to the person who was speaking at the eulogy and even they stop talking too, "he was a fucking hero. he saved my life, he took that damn bullet for me. for me to live on. god knows why, to me it was the worst stupidest thing he had ever done in all his life. it wasn't worth it, i mean. what the fuck do i even have to live for anyway, nothing?! nothing." i shake my head and stand up now, everyone staring after me as i leave the church. i need to be alone. though, the irony in my own words was so stupid.

i would be alone for the rest of my life anyway.

i don't feel like crying, i just feel anger inside me. i wish i had it in me to avenge my dad. i wish. instead when i see the girl in a black dress, with her hair that was usually so straight, in two low pony tails in front of me in a black dress, which didn't really suit her because she used to be so girly; after all she was @fashionista101. i didn't know what to say to her, i didn't know if i even wanted to say anything.

"hi." she says in a small voice. i can't bring myself to even look at her, "liam, i'm sorry. i heard the news and i, i knew it was to do with you straight away. i knew it had to do with you, on the news. my dad is just crazy, he has these weird issues about things about things that he thinks are dangerous. he was snooping on my phone and he came across our messages. he wasn't happy at all. he found out i was in the hospital too and believed it was your fault that i was there. recently he's honestly been a complete and utter mess. his anger gets too much, and it gets to the point when he's not in control of himself anymore... you know my younger step sister... he hurt her. so much. it was like he tortured her. he cut off her dip dyed hair, tried to rub off her tattoos from her skin with a brick until her skin began to bleed. my sister had never been so destroyed before, it was because she's really grunge like all with a fashion sense that's punk. it suits her but my father doesn't think it's lady like or whatever... so he did that to her. i know it's destroyed her. i didn't think it would ever get this serious until i heard just yesterday that calum called for the police to take away our dad. he didn't go down without a fight, but he's gone. he deserves to be. forever, rotting in jail." wow.

i didn't expect her to say anything like that, but now that she had it made me have a broader picture of her life and i realised maybe my life wasn't that messed up. maybe that's why we work, because we're both messed up.

"i'm sorry to hear that." i say to her though i don't really mean it.

she scoffs, "don't be. he should've been in there ages ago. i'm glad calum called, we just couldn't keep living this way anymore. it was slowly killing us."

"i see. well i-"

"-i want you to stay with us. obviously you wouldn't want to be alone, and it wouldn't be too long before authorities find you and out you into a care home until you're 18. if we're all together in london, things'll be cool. we'll have each other for protection."

her words made sense to me and i didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. the fact that i trusted her so easily.

"i. i, i guess...but. um-"

"-don't be scared. i've got you." she smiles at me and i don't know if she's teasing me or genuinely being serious. i'm too confused right now for anything.

"i'll think about it."

"okay, you have ten seconds before i get into my sisters car, drive away and never look back at you." what? "i'm serious." i could see it in her brown eyes that she was as well. would it be right to leave wolverhampton where my family were buired. but to go somewhere where i could have a fresh start would be good.

it would help my mind be at ease, "okay." i nod my head at sasha mae and a big happy grin spreads across her face. i smiled alongside her and prayed that i wouldn't later regret this decision. i know i trust people too easily but what's the point on living a life so safe anymore? adventure is how you live. i can just imagine nathan nodding his head in approval at this. seeing the old me, the boring me, die with him.

when she kisses me afterwards i'm not surprised. i'm not shocked, i just kiss her back and we both smile into the kiss.

knowing this was the start of something beautiful.

 ☢

you know, this story was the hardest to write because it required so much thought and depth into writing it. there were times when i was confusing myself as well, but then i realised what sort of plot i wanted and then i just winged it. i did that with most of my stories, not just the series ones. luckily they did turn out half decent i guess. aw, another story done. dusted.

schizophrenia isn't something to joke about and there are people out there that think this is something that's funny, or can be taken lightly. it's not. it's serious, and it can occur to anyone. but i'm not saying that to scare you, i'm saying it to assure you that if you have this, you're not alone. there are people that can help you, people that you can talk to. again, i'm always here for you.

peer pressure is something that needs addressing. i know because i'm from an indian background that i have the pressure to be the best and nothing but the best. and when i was growing up my grandparents and family wanted me to be a doctor or a lawyer. some bullshit job like that, of course that isn't anything of what i wanted to be. ii wanted to be a writer or a counsellor, or a pe teacher and that's what i still want to be now. you know at the end of the day it's your life, it's your decisions. fear is a choice, as is a lot of things. you may feel like you have the world against you, but you need to pull yourself away from all the negativity and smile.

honestly, frowning all the time takes more effort then smiling.

smile. be happy. you're living. your life may not be perfect but perfection doesn't exist. we're living in a time where things are tough and you gotta work for what you want because it won't just come to you naturally. but that's okay, because it makes you string and that's what you all are, aren't you? be who you want to be. don't change for anyone.

i love you all so much for reading the final book for the social causalities series.

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