To Love and Be Loved

4 | confessing in the a.m.

MONROE

"I can't remember when it started, but I was pretty young. My sister, Sofia, is a few years younger than me, so you can imagine how hard it was for her." I paused for a second to observe Nina's expression. Watching for signs of judgement or awkwardness to signal the end of what I had hoped to blossom into a future.

Detecting nothing but attentiveness with a hint on curiosity, I exhaled then continued.

"My parents never really got along, just stayed together for our sakes. Though it did more damage then they could see. When the abuse began, my dad had lost his job as an accountant and fell into a depression while Mom slaved away for a housecleaning company. Neither of them were happy with their lives and barely managed to keep Sofie and I in the dark. We knew that we were struggling, and having joy in house was rare with my parents around. I did my best to keep Sofie out of it, but it was difficult to do when I came around her with bruises and scrapes. Then there was the yelling-" my voice caught then, recalling the times of my past years. Sensing that I was struggling to go on, Nina gently took my hand into hers, the action warming my heart.

Returning her a soft smile, the words flowed out easier. "Somehow, the yelling hurt more than the beatings. It hurt when I couldn't keep Sofie occupied and she'd start to cry. It hurt that my parents, who were supposed to think about their children's needs before anything, neglected to shield us from the pain of such conflict around us. It was like a thick, dark cloud hung over us all the years. The only times of happiness that I experienced was with Sofie whenever we played games or when we went out for ice cream at the corner store. It was the simple things that kept us in line and kept me from straying from protecting Sofie just because I was having a tough time.

"It was Sofie's smiles and laughter that kept me going, that urged me to fight back against the negative thoughts clouding my mind." With a squeeze of Nina's palm, a smile broke out on my face. "As weird as it sounds, the happiest day of my life was when they finally called it quits. It was my sophomore year and Sofie was starting junior high. It was oddly quiet for a solid week, then we found out that they had signed the divorce documents without issue. My mom got custody of Sofie and I and my dad got weekend visits. But I had long ago distanced myself from him and rarely ever attended them, if only for Sofie. By then she'd understood, but still wanted to have something of a relationship." I sighed deeply. "But uh, yeah, that's why I don't drink anymore. It reminds me too much of all that's happened."

Having come to an end, I turned to Nina, readying myself for any comments that would exit her mouth.

Instead, she stood quiet, as if in thought, before smiling and nodding to herself.

"I have to admit, my reason isn't nearly as meaningful as yours." To this, I was thrown aback. She was really comparing rather than remarking on the one-sided conversation that lasted roughly ten minutes.

"You're joking, right?"

"Well, yes, but I'm just saying! You went through literal childhood trauma and all I have is my brother's car crash-and that didn't even happen to me! You have to admit-"

"Nina-"

"Okay, okay." Her expanding grin faltered some. "To hear all that and see you before me now, I-I feel as though I have a better sense of what kind of person you are. You cherish familial connection and togetherness although you didn't quite have that yourself as you grew up. You're like the kind of person to stick up for the little guy, and that means a lot when it comes down to it." She took a dramatic breath in, smile growing once again. "Monroe Weir, you are... not what I expected."

"What's that supposed to mean? In a good or bad way?"

"Oh, good, for sure."

After my detailed explanation, we moved onto other topics. Somehow, we got into relationships.

"So a little birdie tells me that a certain jock has a crush on you. That true?"

"Yes." Was all Nina said, flopping down on the carpeted floor with a sigh. Lips stretched upwards at her expense, I took a seat next to her.

"And... what? Do you like him?" She didn't defend herself, but her face said it all. "Aw, poor Jackie-"

"Shut up, at least girls aren't throwing themselves at me."

"What does that have to do with anything? We're talking about you." She only rolled her eyes. "And just because they throw themselves, that doesn't mean I take the bait. I've only dated one or two of them briefly."

Nina gave me a look, leaning in some after sitting up excitedly. "So you don't have a girlfriend?"

"Nope."

"How come?" I looked at her then, contemplating my choice. I could just tell the truth and get it out there before I chickened out. But how would she take it? "Well?"

"You really wanna know?"

Her eyes strayed to the clock on the wall for a second. "Might at well, even if it's a long answer. I mean, the party's going to continue 'till about 3:00 and it's just past 12:30."

I couldn't help the grin that spread with her over-explaining habit. It was somehow adorable to me.

Taking that feeling as a push, I leaned in slowly, watching her for any sign of distaste. Noticing her do the same, a simple hum signified our mutual agreement, before our lips met in the middle.

Hands grabbed at each other as the party downstairs was long forgotten. Nina tugging at the nape of my hair had me groaning in need as, how could I not have kissed her before? Bewilderment rushes through me at the knowledge that two minutes ago, I had never kissed Nina Anders.

How had I ever lived?

Kissing her was a temporary release of pent up past pain and grief, only for me to realize that she returned my feelings. Then I was giddy all over again.

When we'd broken apart in a flurry of harsh breaths and flushed faces, I had to chuckle, remembering her previous question.

"I gotta admit, I have a massive crush of you."