Claim My Heart

Chapter 7

"Yeah well...I do have my flaws...my setbacks, " I muttered, closing my laptop. "They can be scary and ugly."

Lately, my insecurities were creeping into everything I did, every move I made. I was no longer speaking about college applications, and Josh knew that.

He regarded me with that same unguarded smile I used to once swoon over and said, "And all of that folds into you, they make you who you are. Someone amazing." He held my eyes for a beat longer than I considered comfortable, but he looked so damn genuine and sincere at that moment that I forced myself to hold his gaze.

I forced myself to believe him. And I almost did. Almost.

"Believe it, " he whispered like he was reading my mind, his words soft and convincing and it made me smile.

He closed his eyes for a second and with a slight shake of his head, he leaned away from me. "What's the worst that could happen? You'll not get accepted? So what, at least you tried."

"It's too far away from home."

"It is." He nodded. "And you have plenty of time to decide if that's okay with you or not. Keep your options open. At least this way you won't have any regrets."

Regret. It was another thing I resented. I'd rather have regrets over things I had done, than over things I hadn't or was too scared to do.

"What do you think?" He wiggled his eyebrows at me.

"I think you're right."

***

Waiting for something was hard. Waiting for something that you wanted with all your heart and it just went further and further away from you was the worst thing ever.

Waiting at the hospital every day had become a new routine for all of us. A new normal. But with each passing day, it got harder and harder. It felt like every hour was a single grain of sand in an hourglass. No matter how many went by, there was still an infinite amount to go.

Like time had slowed down and forced you to savor every bitter bite.

Like it was forcing you to endure the pain, the constant fear, the silence.

On most days I was functioning on autopilot, doing what I had to do, acting like I had to do, lost in a brain fog I couldn't shake.

But if there was something that I had learnt from my past it was that you could never escape your reality by simply ignoring it.

You could never escape pain. You could face it, grow numb to it, or retaliate against it. You could do everything but never escape it.

And I had grown numb to it.

The elevators down the hallway dinged and I looked up to find Avi walking into the waiting room. "Hey."

"Where were you?" I asked, glancing up at the old clock hanging on a wall opposite me.  "You're late."

"Yeah, sorry. I lost track of time. Who's in there with Neil right now?"

"Sam."

"Give me a few minutes and I'll go switch with Sam." He yawned and then murmured, "I'm really tired."

"Where were you?" I asked again.

"Out."

"Out where?" I frowned.

"Just...out." He shrugged.

"With?" I pressed, wondering why I had to work so hard to get a simple answer from him.