Needing You

The First Night Together

"It'd be easier in the long run," Sherlock whimpered "but you don't want that. We could...do this for as long as it takes for you to get me out of your system, still solve crimes after that if you'd like I just wouldn't kiss you once you're done with me."

John laughed pathetically. "How could I ever be done with you, you stupid, brilliant man. Here you are, willing to make yourself miserable just to help me." John couldn't stop the tear that fell from his eye. "And you thought you didn't deserve me... It is I who so does not deserve you."

"When the baby comes you'll stop." Sherlock replied in a low voice, he hated that he was the one bringing the truth and reality to the conversation. It was his job though to be the logic to John's emotions, just as John was the morals to his passion. "And you'll realize you can't anymore, because you'll love this tiny infant more than anything else and you couldn't do that to your child. And maybe after a particularly bad fight you and Mary have or a bad day at surgery or when your leg pain flairs up you'll come over for more than just a case or a chat and you'll get your anger out and maybe stay the night in my bed if you're feeling guilty."

John knew that everything Sherlock was saying was dead on. He wiped away his tears, walked quickly over to Sherlock, and pulled him in. He sat down in the chair next to him, and just held on for dear life. "You are a good man, Sherlock Holmes." John whispered into Sherlock's neck. "Please though, don't get hung up on me. But if you need anything, call. I mean it."

"Too late," Sherlock replied with a half laugh "you're an easy man to get hung up on John Watson." He brought shaking fingers to clutch at John's back for a hug, don't, dipped his head a little into the crook of John's shoulder, stop it, and pressed a small gentle kiss on there. "I'll call." He promised "I'd be lost without my blogger."

"This... this is okay." John said trying to convince himself more than Sherlock. "You need someone so you don't feel lonely, I need you. You need me. At least for a little while. This is good for the both of us..." John closed his mind. He just could not think about what was happening, so he didn't. He just nuzzled into Sherlock, feeling his closeness. You are a bastard, John.

Sherlock swallowed down his words and choked whimpers like they were glass. It would hurt more coming out than going back down though. He shook a little, clinging to what he had. This, this is what you get. You get to hold him that should be enough, it's more than you deserve. "Next time you're angry or you've had a fight and you come here, because you will come here." It was a resigned voice as though he didn't want to be right. "It's fine. I know what...that...that you'll be there to get some anger out I won't say a word about it I won't cling to anything no matter if it's the smallest thing that happens." You are just a self-destructive idiot Sherlock Holmes. Always the addict and your drug is just making sure he's okay.

"I love you, I do... please don't think I am just using you... I'm not... well maybe I am... but only because I care... God, does that even make sense?" As John spoke his voice became an even deeper tone, flowing with pain and confusion. I should never have come when Sherlock had asked me to... NO... I should I have. He needed me. He was broken because he had used someone, then that person had died. You say you care. You are just using him for your own selfishness. I never should have told him the truth. I should have said I never cared, or at least that I no longer did. You made it worse... so much worse...John just pulled himself closer to the detective. The best friend he had ever had, that he was now hurting for his own gain. STUPID .

"No." Sherlock admitted almost moodily "but I don't really care." Sherlock inhaled John's scent deeply. It was always so clean and fresh, like soap, cotton, musk and a bit of lime. Means he still uses that green shower gel. Shut up Sherlock.He hummed a little happily when John pulled him closer before shutting his eyes, it became apparent he was pretending this was under different circumstances, that the confessions would lead to some happiness rather than a fleeting one sided occasional affair.